Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to back out of Matron of Honor or is it too late?

I have a really tricky dilemma, and I'm hoping I can get some third party advice. Fair warning, it's a lot of drama...

I am getting married in August 2020. I've happily been engaged since January 2018, and after buying a house and living with our new expenses for a full year, we set our wedding date back in July 2019. My best friend of 15 years is my Maid of Honor. After briefly dating and becoming engaged shortly after (less than a year from now), she decided to have her wedding 3 weeks after mine, which she hid from me for months until I accidentally found out about it. Every couple's love story has its own timeline, but it feels like she's racing me down the aisle as she haphazardly plans her events and finds vendors while mine have been established for quite some time.

When I finally found out about her wedding date, I asked to meet her in person at a coffee shop to discuss the matter. I shared how hurt that I was that she didn't share the news of her wedding date immediately (as I had done) and realistically asked her if she could uphold her MoH duties. She was pretty dismissive about my hurt feelings, claiming she wasn't intentionally hiding it. She did say that felt she had her duties handled. At this time, she also asked me to be the Co-Matron of Honor at her wedding (for added drama, the other Co-MoH is the woman who was the MoH from her fiance's first wedding). 

To date, my mother and future mother-in-law have had to take over planning for my bridal shower, and my future sister-in-law has taken over the planning for my bachelorette. I've tried to have conversations with her to say she hasn't lived up to her duties, but nothing has changed. My bridal party is very understanding of this extraordinary situation and have picked up the slack. They also understand that at this point, I'm just trying to minimize the drama by not officially demoting her or kicking her out of the wedding party.

Admittedly, I'm focused on my own wedding and haven't devoted time to help planning hers. I accepted and didn't want to back out initially because she hadn't even found a venue, so I thought there still might be a chance that the wedding would take place at a later date. Why cause drama if she would just move her wedding date? She finally picked her venue in early March, and her planning has just begun. We haven't even selected bridesmaids dresses, but given the shortened timeline, the co-MoH is reaching out to plan the bachelorette.

I don't think I can handle my co-MoH duties or the costs that come with it since I need to focus on my wedding. Given the circumstances, is it acceptable for me to back out now?

Re: How to back out of Matron of Honor or is it too late?

  • I have a really tricky dilemma, and I'm hoping I can get some third party advice. Fair warning, it's a lot of drama...

    I am getting married in August 2020. I've happily been engaged since January 2018, and after buying a house and living with our new expenses for a full year, we set our wedding date back in July 2019. My best friend of 15 years is my Maid of Honor. After briefly dating and becoming engaged shortly after (less than a year from now), she decided to have her wedding 3 weeks after mine, which she hid from me for months until I accidentally found out about it. Every couple's love story has its own timeline, but it feels like she's racing me down the aisle as she haphazardly plans her events and finds vendors while mine have been established for quite some time.

    When I finally found out about her wedding date, I asked to meet her in person at a coffee shop to discuss the matter. I shared how hurt that I was that she didn't share the news of her wedding date immediately (as I had done) and realistically asked her if she could uphold her MoH duties. She was pretty dismissive about my hurt feelings, claiming she wasn't intentionally hiding it. She did say that felt she had her duties handled. At this time, she also asked me to be the Co-Matron of Honor at her wedding (for added drama, the other Co-MoH is the woman who was the MoH from her fiance's first wedding). 

    To date, my mother and future mother-in-law have had to take over planning for my bridal shower, and my future sister-in-law has taken over the planning for my bachelorette. I've tried to have conversations with her to say she hasn't lived up to her duties, but nothing has changed. My bridal party is very understanding of this extraordinary situation and have picked up the slack. They also understand that at this point, I'm just trying to minimize the drama by not officially demoting her or kicking her out of the wedding party.

    Admittedly, I'm focused on my own wedding and haven't devoted time to help planning hers. I accepted and didn't want to back out initially because she hadn't even found a venue, so I thought there still might be a chance that the wedding would take place at a later date. Why cause drama if she would just move her wedding date? She finally picked her venue in early March, and her planning has just begun. We haven't even selected bridesmaids dresses, but given the shortened timeline, the co-MoH is reaching out to plan the bachelorette.

    I don't think I can handle my co-MoH duties or the costs that come with it since I need to focus on my wedding. Given the circumstances, is it acceptable for me to back out now?
    If you no longer want to stand beside her while she gets married you should tell her now. No excuses about timing or things you can and can’t do, just tell her you no longer can stand up in her wedding. 

    That said, there are no duties required of anyone in a wedding party. She’s not required to plan events for you (and you’re not required to do that for her either!). If you can’t help plan, then simply don’t offer. If the other MOH wants to plan things that’s great! 

    Weddings can be planned fast, or slow. In a few months, or years. How she plans has no bearing on how you plan. You picked a date that worked for you, and she did the same. You sound upset she picked a date close to yours, but she did nothing wrong here. Please try and set aside any feelings you have about this from your decisions regarding her wedding. 
  • For you to assume that your MOH is no longer available because she's now planning to be married shortly after you was inappropriate. There was no "slack" that anyone had to pick up simply because your MOH didn't help plan events for you.

    Being MOH doesn't require anyone to plan events or even refrain from getting engaged and choosing a wedding date shortly after the bride's. You don't have to do it for her either if you decide to be in her wedding. But you need to let go that she hasn't done it for you, and that she set her wedding date shortly after yours.

    If you don't want to be in her wedding, you don't have to, and I agree with PPs that you should go ahead and say so and let it go at that. Trying to explain or defend this decision any further will only add fuel to the fire that you set here.

  • You are focused on your own wedding and don’t have time to help your friend.  But you can’t seem to understand that your friend may have the same situation and feelings?  There is nothing at all “extraordinary” about your “situation”.  It sounds to me as if you have spoken poorly to everyone about your “friend”, and that it would be best if you both bowed out of each others’ weddings.
  • The way this works is: You get engaged and plan your wedding. You invite people to be in your WP. They get the clothes and show up at the rehearsal wedding on time. Everything else is just optional. Really! No one has obligation to plan any parties for you at all.

    If you can step back and accept this, then she can be in your wedding and you can be in hers. If you can't--if you still think she should be involved in planning your shower and bachelorette and you think you should do this for her--then yes, you should bow out of her wedding, and she may wish to do the same for yours. If she doesn't step out, then she will be in your wedding whether she plans (or even shows up at) the extra festivities or not.
  • Is this a Quarantine Troll? 

    In case it isn’t....your poor friend. There aren’t any bridesmaid or MOH “duties.” The other BMs don’t have to “pick up the slack” because it was only your job to plan and pay for your wedding to begin with. Your friend did nothing wrong in picking a date close to yours. It might be a newsflash, but people’s lives and plans don’t revolve around you. That was the date that worked for her. You speak really poorly about someone who is supposed to be your best friend. 


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