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Pushy Bridesmaid

knottie11c9d19ad430b23eknottie11c9d19ad430b23e member
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in Chit Chat
I have a bridesmaid that I feel like doesn't understand that in having a BUDGET wedding, that it isn't her wedding (she got eloped a couple years ago and her husband doesn't want a vow renewal whatsoever), or that she isn't MOH? She's already asked if her parents are invited 3 times...which wouldn't be an issue if I were close to her parents...I'm not even inviting MOHs mom and I call her mom! Thats how budget we are talking. There's also the issue of i told her the budget for bridesmaids dresses was $80 TOPS because I may have to pay for them (one of my bridesmaids may not be able to afford her dress, and she's so important to me that I'm willing to get it for her and MOH understands that) and she literally told me "if one of your bridesmaids can't afford a $200-300 dress they shouldn't be in the wedding" which is too much for a dress period. She's been heavily pushing dresses that would only flatter her, instead of being semi okay on everyone, as I want everyone to have the same dress, and doesn't seem to understand that what looks amazing on her doesn't suit everyone. Her response to that "you can't please everyone and some peoples insecurities may show"...as someone who was a bridesmaid in a dress that was ill-fitting, thats not a great attitude? (I loved my dress, I just should have gotten a size up and there wasn't time to do so before the wedding.)  And then to the part where I dont think she gets that there are even other bridesmaids let alone that she isn't MOH...she ignores every signal I give her about the other girls being involved and wants everything to just be her and I. Crafting decorations is a "me, you, my mom and your mom" situation every time I insinuate a girls night (after quarantine is over) she's like "me and my mom would have so much fun with that!" Like she denies every ounce of the fact that I have other bridesmaids? How do I deal with this? I have really bad social anxiety and I don't stick up for myself well, and I feel like if this goes further my head will explode..help?
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Re: Pushy Bridesmaid

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Stop talking about wedding plans with her. She doesn't need to know about your budget or your crafting projects. She's not a wedding planner and doesn't need to be involved. If you stop talking about it, there's nothing for her to comment on. She really, really doesn't need to know anyone else's dress budget or concerns. 

    I'm not getting what it is that you're complaining about her about MOH. Does she think she's MOH? If so, you just kindly say "Sarah, I'm sorry if you misunderstood. I invited you to be a bridesmaid, Sally is my MOH." 

    Matching dresses are dated but if you decide to go that way anyway, you've already gotten her input on the dress and budget. As long as it meets those, you're free to tell her X is the dress, you'll need to order by Y. The more modern approach would be to give them all color guidelines and let them choose. She can get the dress she wants and so will everyone else. Even better, you can keep people's financial and body insecurities in confidence. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If she’s not picking up on subtle signals then it’s certainly time to be more clear. If she’s leaving people out, tell her. If she’s making you or other people uncomfortable you need to say something. It’s sucks but if what’s she doing is upsetting you then you need to talk to her. 

    If she’s giving opinions on everything then I would stop telling her about your detailed plans. She can’t have an opinion if you say “hmm we haven’t really thought about that yet” and change the subject. 
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    knottie11c9d19ad430b23eknottie11c9d19ad430b23e member
    First Comment
    She brings up my wedding, I don't. I'm in early stages of planning and the only person I'm TRYING to talk to about plans is FH. I agree to the not having thought about things and maybe that's a better approach, but I won't be able to keep that up long term. Knowing her, the closer it gets, the pushier she gets. I'll try talking to her...keep you posted. The dresses being different worries me because of how much more she's willing to pay, the other 2 girls may look...off...? And honestly I think shes doing it to draw attention to herself because I don't think she gets its not her wedding..
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    knottie11c9d19ad430b23e said:
    She brings up my wedding, I don't. I'm in early stages of planning and the only person I'm TRYING to talk to about plans is FH. I agree to the not having thought about things and maybe that's a better approach, but I won't be able to keep that up long term. Knowing her, the closer it gets, the pushier she gets. I'll try talking to her...keep you posted. The dresses being different worries me because of how much more she's willing to pay, the other 2 girls may look...off...? And honestly I think shes doing it to draw attention to herself because I don't think she gets its not her wedding..
    The next time she does this, I think you need to have a Come-to-Jesus talk with her about her role in the wedding. At that time you can let her know that while you appreciate her friendship, this isn't her wedding to plan, other people are involved besides her and her mom, and her pushiness has really made things harder for you. Let her know that the dress decision is final, you are not going to change it and it is a closed subject. If she shows up in the wrong dress, it means she has voluntarily stepped down from your wedding party. 
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Do not worry at all about just choosing one color and letting your bridesmaids pick a dress that flatters them. This will solve at least one portion of the pushy BM issue. She can spend whatever she likes.

    It won't matter at all if one dress is $400 and the others are $80 as long as the colors are the same. My daughter had one bridesmaid who picked a dress that I am sure was hundreds of dollars, while the others were likely more budget-friendly. They looked great. I imagine this is a common scenario.

    If you want them to all match, pick the dress ASAP and let them order it. Don't discuss it anymore.
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    forevermarriedbrainshadiaforevermarriedbrainshadia newb
    First Comment
    If she is stressing you out that much then put her out of your wedding.
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