You're cooking and cleaning for 5 adults?

mrsconn23 · May 2020

Dear Prudence,

I am a single mom quarantined with my two college kids and their significant others for two months now. I’ve been working from home by day and cooking and cleaning by night so the kids can focus on their studies. While they at first offered to help around the house, I encouraged them to enjoy this rare time in their lives to just focus on themselves and not worry about anything else. As Mother’s Day approached, I told the kids to not worry about venturing out and to just not get me anything. So they didn’t. Not even a card. I don’t need anything, but I have always given my parents and grandparents at least cards with loving messages. In fact, I had my kids write in Mother’s Day cards this year that I mailed to their grandmother, but when Mother’s Day arrived in our home, they acted as if they had completely forgotten. After getting one hug, I was immediately asked to cook breakfast. I did. After I cleaned up the kitchen, I spent the rest of the day in my room watching TV alone. While I realize I created this situation myself, my birthday is approaching, and I don’t know what to do. While I am sure mine is a problem older than time, is there any way I can nudge my grown children, who really do love me, to at least buy or make me a card on special occasions, or watch a movie with me or something, without making them feel terrible? Or should I just let it go and find a hobby?

—Skipping Mother’s Day

CharmedPam · May 2020

You said you didn’t want anything and you didn’t get anything. You can’t be mad at that. Maybe next time phrase it “oh you know I don’t need anything just a card saying you’re thinking of me is enough”. Gotta say what you want.

STARMOON44 · May 2020

You should stop being a maid to a houseful of adults.

banana468 · May 2020

"Hey, I know you were probably occupied with the end of semester studies and finals when it was Mother's Day. As your mother, I hope your grades are fantastic. You're now in my house and my birthday is coming. I don't plan to cook you breakfast lunch or dinner that day. You have known me for decades. Please let me know if you need any help figuring out what to do that day."

mrsconn23 · May 2020

I have a feeling this was a theme of LW's life pre-pandemic.

LW needs to drop the martyr routine and start making a chore chart. Because seriously, college-aged/early 20's adults don't need time to 'enjoy' themselves 24/7. They need to learn adulting.

You teach people, even your own children, how to treat you.

short+sassy · May 2020

Once school is over for the semester, which I assume has happened or is happening any day now, that will be the perfect opening to have a family sit-down. Nothing negative. But a simple, "I'm so proud of how you all have been keeping up with your studies, despite the pandemic. But now that school is over for the summer, we need to discuss delegating household chores."

And for the LW's birthday, she needs to speak up and tell them what she wants.

drunkenwitch · May 2020

Oh, hold on, I have a mom like this, let me translate:

Everyone in the house listened to my words instead of reading my mind and doing what I really wanted. That means they don't love me! How long should I passive aggressively punish them and refuse to admit what's wrong?

MyNameIsNot · May 2020

Use your words. You know, to say what you actually want.

WhyTF would you ever tell them not to help around the house? "I know I originally said I didn't need help around here, but I didn't realize how long we'd all be here. I'll keep making dinner four nights per week, but you all will need to step in and divide up cooking the rest of the meals. I won't be cooking at all on my birthday I'll also put a list of routine chores that need to get done each week on the fridge. I trust you're all adult enough to make sure everyone pitches in and everything gets done."

short+sassy · May 2020

MyNameIsNot said:

Use your words. You know, to say what you actually want.

WhyTF would you ever tell them not to help around the house? "I know I originally said I didn't need help around here, but I didn't realize how long we'd all be here. I'll keep making dinner four nights per week, but you all will need to step in and divide up cooking the rest of the meals. I won't be cooking at all on my birthday I'll also put a list of routine chores that need to get done each week on the fridge. I trust you're all adult enough to make sure everyone pitches in and everything gets done."

I thought that was puzzling also. Even with heavy schoolwork, there is no reason the kids and their SOs could not have helped.

Heck, I went to a community college first and lived at home. Full-time student and I also worked 30-hours/week. And I did my share of chores around my parent's house.

Plus all of that was during "normal" times that included commuting to classes and work.

MyNameIsNot · May 2020

short+sassy said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Use your words. You know, to say what you actually want.

WhyTF would you ever tell them not to help around the house? "I know I originally said I didn't need help around here, but I didn't realize how long we'd all be here. I'll keep making dinner four nights per week, but you all will need to step in and divide up cooking the rest of the meals. I won't be cooking at all on my birthday I'll also put a list of routine chores that need to get done each week on the fridge. I trust you're all adult enough to make sure everyone pitches in and everything gets done."

I thought that was puzzling also. Even with heavy schoolwork, there is no reason the kids and their SOs could not have helped.

Heck, I went to a community college first and lived at home. Full-time student and I also worked 30-hours/week. And I did my share of chores around my parent's house.

Plus all of that was during "normal" times that included commuting to classes and work.

Right, exactly. I lived by myself and with roommates through most of college. I managed to keep up with my studies, work almost full time, and take care of a house.

These bums can make a sandwich and run the vacuum.

Casadena · May 2020

She doesn't actually seem upset about kids not helping around the house - they should definitely help more without being asked though.

To me, the bigger issue is don't tell people not to celebrate holidays if you really want them to celebrate holidays and then be passive aggressive about your disappointment (my MIL is the queen of this move). It's annoying. Just tell people what you want.

OliveOilsMom · May 2020

LW is setting up these adults for failure at life! My first year at college I was in the dorm. They did not provide cleanings of the communal areas - the RA was in charge of a rotating schedule of cleaning duties for us. We all studies and cleaned just fine! After that, I stayed at on campus apartments and cooked for myself too. It is entirely possible to study, clean and cook for ones self all the while attending college!

banana468 · May 2020

RIght! LW cannot say, "This is what you can do" and then get upset when it happens.

My MIL pulls this with, "This is just a suggestion," as her line.

What it means is, "I think this is the way to do that and if you don't do this I'm going to say, "Well had you followed my suggestion then all of us wouldn't have to listen to my shrill voice."

downtondiva · May 2020

Don't tell people you don't want anything for Mother's Day and then act shocked and hurt when they take you at your word. Your kids can't read your mind.

It's perfectly reasonable to expect them to help out around the house, or at least lighten your load a little. If nothing else, tell them you'll still make dinner most nights but they're on their own for breakfast and lunch. Surely they are capable of pouring cereal and making sandwiches.

ei34 · May 2020

LW should explicitly state how she wants her upcoming birthday celebrated, or else she's going to be disappointed again. You have to spell it out for some people. *Teensy dissent vibes* That said I do find her feelings valid. I can get her feeling bummed on some level- insisting they not go out into stores right now to buy a gift doesn't mean they couldn't have written her cards on loose leaf and offered to make a meal or spend some quality time together. LW is a single mom so there was no father getting the kids riled up for Mother's Day growing up. They did grow up watching her celebrate her own mother on Mother's Day (even this year)...yeah, I'd be disappointed if my own kids once young adults don't take it upon themselves to be thoughtful. Unfortunately now LW knows she has to outright ask for them to spend some time with her on Mother's Day.

LW doesn't seem upset about all the cooking and cleaning, but she did mention it, so I will comment that my young kids are doing more around the house than her kids are, and that's pretty shocking to me. I guess they all had cafeterias and meal plans on campus to eat...but were their dorm rooms tornados? My mom had me watching younger siblings/doing my own laundry/cooking meals for the family/raking leaves/vacuuming/dusting etc before high school. And I'll have my kids doing that too. Possibly her "focus on yourselves and don't worry about anything else" speech leaked into Mother's Day?

ILoveBeachMusic · May 2020

I agree that she set herself up for this by telling them not to buy anything for her for Mother's Day. Had she not done that and they didn't do anything I would have been disappointed too. My kids don't usually do anything but call me, even though I had them do cards for grandparents and H on Mother's Day and Father's Day. As for birthdays, again I get calls. This year DD and DS2 bought dinner and lunch respectively. I really enjoyed those. I wish all three of them would recognize Mother's Day and birthdays more. For whatever reason they don't.

As for chores, a chart needs to be made. DS2 has been at our house for over a month and a half. He offers to go to the store and takes care of his own room and bathroom. He also helps H with stuff around the house. He doesn't cook but he thanks us at every dinner for the dinner and helps clean up.

charlotte989875 · May 2020

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I agree that she set herself up for this by telling them not to buy anything for her for Mother's Day. Had she not done that and they didn't do anything I would have been disappointed too. My kids don't usually do anything but call me, even though I had them do cards for grandparents and H on Mother's Day and Father's Day. As for birthdays, again I get calls. This year DD and DS2 bought dinner and lunch respectively. I really enjoyed those. I wish all three of them would recognize Mother's Day and birthdays more. For whatever reason they don't.

As for chores, a chart needs to be made. DS2 has been at our house for over a month and a half. He offers to go to the store and takes care of his own room and bathroom. He also helps H with stuff around the house. He doesn't cook but he thanks us at every dinner for the dinner and helps clean up.

I’m curious, how would you prefer them to celebrate?

I usually get my Mom flowers and we (not this year) go to brunch but it’s generally not more than that.

levioosa · May 2020

Agree with PPs. On another note, I would have been so embarrassed to live with my SO’s parent and then never help with food or chores. They can still enjoy their lives while running the vacuum once a week.

ILoveBeachMusic · May 2020

charlotte989875 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I agree that she set herself up for this by telling them not to buy anything for her for Mother's Day. Had she not done that and they didn't do anything I would have been disappointed too. My kids don't usually do anything but call me, even though I had them do cards for grandparents and H on Mother's Day and Father's Day. As for birthdays, again I get calls. This year DD and DS2 bought dinner and lunch respectively. I really enjoyed those. I wish all three of them would recognize Mother's Day and birthdays more. For whatever reason they don't.

As for chores, a chart needs to be made. DS2 has been at our house for over a month and a half. He offers to go to the store and takes care of his own room and bathroom. He also helps H with stuff around the house. He doesn't cook but he thanks us at every dinner for the dinner and helps clean up.

I’m curious, how would you prefer them to celebrate?

I usually get my Mom flowers and we (not this year) go to brunch but it’s generally not more than that.

Flowers or a card would be nice. All of my children live in a different place so getting together for brunch isn't usually possible. DD and family were to be here this year but obviously couldn't come. I like the calls but cards would be nice. I also realize that younger people don't do a lot of snail mail. I don't get upset about it. I just wonder why they don't think about it. I will say that I get a bit jealous about birthdays. They live close to SIL's parents. They always go out to dinner for their birthdays and last year gave his mother a gift of a family portrait. But as we always say on here, you can't tell people to buy you a gift.

charlotte989875 · May 2020

ILoveBeachMusic said:

charlotte989875 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I agree that she set herself up for this by telling them not to buy anything for her for Mother's Day. Had she not done that and they didn't do anything I would have been disappointed too. My kids don't usually do anything but call me, even though I had them do cards for grandparents and H on Mother's Day and Father's Day. As for birthdays, again I get calls. This year DD and DS2 bought dinner and lunch respectively. I really enjoyed those. I wish all three of them would recognize Mother's Day and birthdays more. For whatever reason they don't.

As for chores, a chart needs to be made. DS2 has been at our house for over a month and a half. He offers to go to the store and takes care of his own room and bathroom. He also helps H with stuff around the house. He doesn't cook but he thanks us at every dinner for the dinner and helps clean up.

I’m curious, how would you prefer them to celebrate?

I usually get my Mom flowers and we (not this year) go to brunch but it’s generally not more than that.

Flowers or a card would be nice. All of my children live in a different place so getting together for brunch isn't usually possible. DD and family were to be here this year but obviously couldn't come. I like the calls but cards would be nice. I also realize that younger people don't do a lot of snail mail. I don't get upset about it. I just wonder why they don't think about it. I will say that I get a bit jealous about birthdays. They live close to SIL's parents. They always go out to dinner for their birthdays and last year gave his mother a gift of a family portrait. But as we always say on here, you can't tell people to buy you a gift.

That’s a bummer! Even when we lived away I would send my mom flowers and a note.

I love getting mail! Maybe it a pen pal throwback thing but I wish more people sent cards or letters. I love sending cards.

MesmrEwe · May 2020

Take off the Martyr Mom Doormat and T-Shirt service, tell them exactly what you want, and say "It's time for y'all to start doing some things for yourself!"...

You're cooking and cleaning for 5 adults?

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