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For the ones in the back, PRUDIE IS NOT A THERAPIST

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My parents separated when I was young. My father is a narcissist and a genuinely mean person. Four years ago his drug habit got worse, and I was afraid he’d hurt me, so I spoke to my mom about it and stopped seeing him altogether. Now, after years of therapy, a pandemic that’s reshaped my values, and the fact that I’m graduating high school next week (and giving the graduation speech) has made me miss him. I know he made me miserable to the point of suicide attempts, but I can’t help but think of all the times he was funny and loving. If he died from this pandemic, I would regret it. Originally, I planned to wait longer, but who knows if he’ll still be alive (I assume he is right now). But my mom says I’m misremembering and putting him in his best light because it’s been so long. He was a criminal, drug abuser, and all-around scary guy. But I’m more confident and emotionally stable than I used to be, and I think I might be able to handle it. Should I try to get in touch with my dad? Is there a smart way to handle this that I’m not seeing?

—Ending Estrangement

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Re: For the ones in the back, PRUDIE IS NOT A THERAPIST

  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    No, see a therapist instead.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Talk with your therapist about how to best approach this because even if you really do want to reach out, even if you’re remembering the happy memories, it might be even worse than you think and you need to plan for that.

    Theres a lot of emotions and nostalgia wrapped up in graduation (and other milestones!) and everything is heightened now with the pandemic. Your mom sounds like she’s looking out for you, but you need to discuss this with your therapist before making any decisions.  
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    LW needs to talk about this with their therapist, not Prudie. Though Prudie was right that the dad being "funny and loving" is still part of the cycle of abuse. 

    Just my two cents on this one - if LW really thinks they need to find and reconnect with their father (I can't see why, but it's not my decision to make), they need to wait until well after graduation to do this. High school graduation can be an emotional time anyway, and especially with the strange circumstances surrounding it this year, I think it's a really bad idea to use it as an occasion to reconnect with someone they're estranged from and who has hurt them repeatedly in the past.


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The grass is always greener.   You are remembering the positives and grieving the loss of the relationship.

    Talk to your therapist but PLEASE do not think that because you are on the precipice of adulthood that you now have the backbone to deal with someone with a pattern of abuse and who may be suffering from mental illness.  

    Enter any discussion with serious discretion and in a safe manner and understand that your father may not have changed one iota through all of this. 
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