Not every message needs a response.

mrsconn23 · May 2020

Dear Prudence,

My mother texts me multiple times a day either in a private message or in a group message with my brother and his girlfriend. Most of the texts are “just checking in” or “thinking of you.” I already feel like the world’s worst daughter for complaining about this, but it feels like it’s too much. I am 28 years old, married, and have a 1-year-old. I work full-time in an ER, which obviously has its own stressors. For this reason, I haven’t seen my mom since the pandemic started. I know it’s getting to her not being able to see me and my daughter, and I empathize with that. I video chat with her at least once a week, and I respond to her texts most of the time, but honestly she’s driving me crazy. We don’t have the relationship that she wishes we had. I’ve always found it hard to talk to her, and we are fundamentally polar opposites. I feel guilty for thinking this, let alone writing it out, because I know I would feel devastated if my daughter felt this way. Do I suck it up and go on with the multiple texts and group texts and realize it’s not that bad in the grand scheme of it all, or do I upset her and set boundaries?

—Needy Mom

missJeanLouise · May 2020

Ignore until you're ready to respond?
My early 20s roommate essentially had to break up with his mom. She had to have an actual conversation with her mom about needing space to grow up and how she wasn't going to call her before bed any more. Then they read a book about ending codependence together.

downtondiva · May 2020

Admittedly, I tend to choose the path of least resistance, but....can't you just not respond to every single text and not reply to the ones you do until you're ready to? Or mute the group text at times when you're busy?

banana468 · May 2020

You don't need to respond all the time. Ideally Mom will get it and if she doesn't you are going to have to say, "I'm stretched really thin now."

charlotte989875 · May 2020

Just respond to the ones you want to. My mom often messages me nonsense and I usually only reply when it’s something real.

Is she just bored? My Mom is given the pandemic so she’s spending a lot more time online and on her phone. I ignore it unless it’s a real text or she needs me to reply.

MissKittyDanger · May 2020

Don't respond to all msg's.
In a private convo, LW could say "look I understand you want to show you're thinking of us but there is a lot of messages. Could you ease up?"

MyNameIsNot · May 2020

Isn't the whole point of text messaging instead of calling so that you can have a conversation when you have time to respond?

Wait until a quiet time and then respond to a day's worth of texts. Start with "just now getting a minute to respond" and respond to whatever calls for a response.

kerbohl · May 2020

My MIL is constantly sending me emails and such. My husband told her on the weekend that he was in a bad mood and she freaked out and started texting me to see if he was sick. I ignore most, or just respond in ways that shut down the conversation if it is getting to be too much. It's fine to say "I'm busy with work and won't be available to chat until X day".

short+sassy · May 2020

I would give mom parameters, which wouldn't even involve having to have a more "serious" conversation of "you text me too much, stop it".

Something like, "I don't want you to feel neglected if I don't text you back. Sometimes I just can't."

And then it would be nice if the LW could send at least one short text a day that answers any pertinent questions and/or is just a "love and thinking of you" text.

One of the worst people I've ever encountered with texting was funny enough, not a close friend or a family member, but this couple I'd signed a lease with. OMG, they were so obnoxious! They'd send me a text. Sometimes it didn't need a response and sometimes it was a question, but nothing urgent. And then would send another text or call me if I didn't respond within a few minutes. That alone was insanity, but then it was multiple texts/day, every day!

After the first few times, I reassured them that I will always reply back to them (under my breath -- even though you're usually asking me the same question I've already answered 3-4 times). But, unless it's urgent, it's usually not going to be right away. Because I don't use my phone when I'm driving and prefer not to use it during my normal 7-5 workday. That at least usually stopped them from sending the same text multiple times in the same hour, but it still wasn't great.

Long story short, they broke the lease and never moved in. It extra pissed me off because of all the time I'd already spent dealing with them, but I know it was really a blessing in disguise, lol.

kerbohl · May 2020

short+sassy said:

I would give mom parameters, which wouldn't even involve having to have a more "serious" conversation of "you text me too much, stop it".

Something like, "I don't want you to feel neglected if I don't text you back. Sometimes I just can't."

And then it would be nice if the LW could send at least one short text a day that answers any pertinent questions and/or is just a "love and thinking of you" text.

One of the worst people I've ever encountered with texting was funny enough, not a close friend or a family member, but this couple I'd signed a lease with. OMG, they were so obnoxious! They'd send me a text. Sometimes it didn't need a response and sometimes it was a question, but nothing urgent. And then would send another text or call me if I didn't respond within a few minutes. That alone was insanity, but then it was multiple texts/day, every day!

After the first few times, I reassured them that I will always reply back to them (under my breath -- even though you're usually asking me the same question I've already answered 3-4 times). But, unless it's urgent, it's usually not going to be right away. Because I don't use my phone when I'm driving and prefer not to use it during my normal 7-5 workday. Long story short, they broke the lease and never moved in. It extra pissed me off because of all the time I'd already spent dealing with them, but I know it was really a blessing in disguise, lol.

Hubby has had this problem with tutor students. This makes me sound old and set in my ways, but I get the feeling the younger generation (that's currently in high school) expects instant results. so if you take an hour to return a text, that is unacceptable. I legitimately sometimes take a day to respond to a text - I let me phone go dead constantly. People who know me are used to it.

short+sassy · May 2020

kerbohl said:

short+sassy said:

I would give mom parameters, which wouldn't even involve having to have a more "serious" conversation of "you text me too much, stop it".

Something like, "I don't want you to feel neglected if I don't text you back. Sometimes I just can't."

And then it would be nice if the LW could send at least one short text a day that answers any pertinent questions and/or is just a "love and thinking of you" text.

One of the worst people I've ever encountered with texting was funny enough, not a close friend or a family member, but this couple I'd signed a lease with. OMG, they were so obnoxious! They'd send me a text. Sometimes it didn't need a response and sometimes it was a question, but nothing urgent. And then would send another text or call me if I didn't respond within a few minutes. That alone was insanity, but then it was multiple texts/day, every day!

After the first few times, I reassured them that I will always reply back to them (under my breath -- even though you're usually asking me the same question I've already answered 3-4 times). But, unless it's urgent, it's usually not going to be right away. Because I don't use my phone when I'm driving and prefer not to use it during my normal 7-5 workday. Long story short, they broke the lease and never moved in. It extra pissed me off because of all the time I'd already spent dealing with them, but I know it was really a blessing in disguise, lol.

Hubby has had this problem with tutor students. This makes me sound old and set in my ways, but I get the feeling the younger generation (that's currently in high school) expects instant results. so if you take an hour to return a text, that is unacceptable. I legitimately sometimes take a day to respond to a text - I let me phone go dead constantly. People who know me are used to it.

I hear ya! I think the instant gratification of texting and the online world we live in has a lot of people forgetting that patience is a virtue, lol.

For example, these people were older than me! At the time, they were in their 50s/early 60s. They'd lived most their lives in a landline phones and non-internet world.

banana468 · May 2020

short+sassy said:

kerbohl said:

short+sassy said:

I would give mom parameters, which wouldn't even involve having to have a more "serious" conversation of "you text me too much, stop it".

Something like, "I don't want you to feel neglected if I don't text you back. Sometimes I just can't."

And then it would be nice if the LW could send at least one short text a day that answers any pertinent questions and/or is just a "love and thinking of you" text.

One of the worst people I've ever encountered with texting was funny enough, not a close friend or a family member, but this couple I'd signed a lease with. OMG, they were so obnoxious! They'd send me a text. Sometimes it didn't need a response and sometimes it was a question, but nothing urgent. And then would send another text or call me if I didn't respond within a few minutes. That alone was insanity, but then it was multiple texts/day, every day!

After the first few times, I reassured them that I will always reply back to them (under my breath -- even though you're usually asking me the same question I've already answered 3-4 times). But, unless it's urgent, it's usually not going to be right away. Because I don't use my phone when I'm driving and prefer not to use it during my normal 7-5 workday. Long story short, they broke the lease and never moved in. It extra pissed me off because of all the time I'd already spent dealing with them, but I know it was really a blessing in disguise, lol.

Hubby has had this problem with tutor students. This makes me sound old and set in my ways, but I get the feeling the younger generation (that's currently in high school) expects instant results. so if you take an hour to return a text, that is unacceptable. I legitimately sometimes take a day to respond to a text - I let me phone go dead constantly. People who know me are used to it.

I hear ya! I think the instant gratification of texting and the online world we live in has a lot of people forgetting that patience is a virtue, lol.

For example, these people were older than me! At the time, they were in their 50s/early 60s. They'd lived most their lives in a landline phones and non-internet world.

I don't think it's age specific.

My aunt will do that at times. I remember one summer she emailed me about a request for DH to help them with something possibly tech related. I looked at the email and we were going to go out on the boat and then out to dinner. The email was sent at something like 3 on a Saturday and at 7 I got a phone call from her saying, "You don't check your email?" No, you just have no reasonable expectation that I'm going to drop everything on one of my two days off a week to come fix something when we have plans.

Love her but she's not patient. I think it's a personality trait more than anything else.

kerbohl · May 2020

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

kerbohl said:

short+sassy said:

I would give mom parameters, which wouldn't even involve having to have a more "serious" conversation of "you text me too much, stop it".

Something like, "I don't want you to feel neglected if I don't text you back. Sometimes I just can't."

And then it would be nice if the LW could send at least one short text a day that answers any pertinent questions and/or is just a "love and thinking of you" text.

One of the worst people I've ever encountered with texting was funny enough, not a close friend or a family member, but this couple I'd signed a lease with. OMG, they were so obnoxious! They'd send me a text. Sometimes it didn't need a response and sometimes it was a question, but nothing urgent. And then would send another text or call me if I didn't respond within a few minutes. That alone was insanity, but then it was multiple texts/day, every day!

After the first few times, I reassured them that I will always reply back to them (under my breath -- even though you're usually asking me the same question I've already answered 3-4 times). But, unless it's urgent, it's usually not going to be right away. Because I don't use my phone when I'm driving and prefer not to use it during my normal 7-5 workday. Long story short, they broke the lease and never moved in. It extra pissed me off because of all the time I'd already spent dealing with them, but I know it was really a blessing in disguise, lol.

Hubby has had this problem with tutor students. This makes me sound old and set in my ways, but I get the feeling the younger generation (that's currently in high school) expects instant results. so if you take an hour to return a text, that is unacceptable. I legitimately sometimes take a day to respond to a text - I let me phone go dead constantly. People who know me are used to it.

I hear ya! I think the instant gratification of texting and the online world we live in has a lot of people forgetting that patience is a virtue, lol.

For example, these people were older than me! At the time, they were in their 50s/early 60s. They'd lived most their lives in a landline phones and non-internet world.

I don't think it's age specific.

My aunt will do that at times. I remember one summer she emailed me about a request for DH to help them with something possibly tech related. I looked at the email and we were going to go out on the boat and then out to dinner. The email was sent at something like 3 on a Saturday and at 7 I got a phone call from her saying, "You don't check your email?" No, you just have no reasonable expectation that I'm going to drop everything on one of my two days off a week to come fix something when we have plans.

Love her but she's not patient. I think it's a personality trait more than anything else.

I have only ever encountered it in the younger generation. I thought it was age specific. Interesting ... I just remember the days when an internet page took five minutes to load. Or cellphones where it took you forever to write a text because of the dinky keyboards.

Hubby and I were also just talking about text messages and the fact that they seem to be getting longer now, including the ones we send. Conversations by text used to be one to two sentences at a time, now I find myself sending whole paragraphs.

short+sassy · May 2020

kerbohl said:

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

kerbohl said:

short+sassy said:

I would give mom parameters, which wouldn't even involve having to have a more "serious" conversation of "you text me too much, stop it".

Something like, "I don't want you to feel neglected if I don't text you back. Sometimes I just can't."

And then it would be nice if the LW could send at least one short text a day that answers any pertinent questions and/or is just a "love and thinking of you" text.

One of the worst people I've ever encountered with texting was funny enough, not a close friend or a family member, but this couple I'd signed a lease with. OMG, they were so obnoxious! They'd send me a text. Sometimes it didn't need a response and sometimes it was a question, but nothing urgent. And then would send another text or call me if I didn't respond within a few minutes. That alone was insanity, but then it was multiple texts/day, every day!

After the first few times, I reassured them that I will always reply back to them (under my breath -- even though you're usually asking me the same question I've already answered 3-4 times). But, unless it's urgent, it's usually not going to be right away. Because I don't use my phone when I'm driving and prefer not to use it during my normal 7-5 workday. Long story short, they broke the lease and never moved in. It extra pissed me off because of all the time I'd already spent dealing with them, but I know it was really a blessing in disguise, lol.

Hubby has had this problem with tutor students. This makes me sound old and set in my ways, but I get the feeling the younger generation (that's currently in high school) expects instant results. so if you take an hour to return a text, that is unacceptable. I legitimately sometimes take a day to respond to a text - I let me phone go dead constantly. People who know me are used to it.

I hear ya! I think the instant gratification of texting and the online world we live in has a lot of people forgetting that patience is a virtue, lol.

For example, these people were older than me! At the time, they were in their 50s/early 60s. They'd lived most their lives in a landline phones and non-internet world.

I don't think it's age specific.

My aunt will do that at times. I remember one summer she emailed me about a request for DH to help them with something possibly tech related. I looked at the email and we were going to go out on the boat and then out to dinner. The email was sent at something like 3 on a Saturday and at 7 I got a phone call from her saying, "You don't check your email?" No, you just have no reasonable expectation that I'm going to drop everything on one of my two days off a week to come fix something when we have plans.

Love her but she's not patient. I think it's a personality trait more than anything else.

I have only ever encountered it in the younger generation. I thought it was age specific. Interesting ... I just remember the days when an internet page took five minutes to load. Or cellphones where it took you forever to write a text because of the dinky keyboards.

Hubby and I were also just talking about text messages and the fact that they seem to be getting longer now, including the ones we send. Conversations by text used to be one to two sentences at a time, now I find myself sending whole paragraphs.

For a politician's answer, I think it's a little of both, lol. I just give younger people a little more leeway because they didn't live in the "before times"* and have that experience.

*I just had to look up where this phrase came from, that I couldn't get out of my head to best describe my comment. Because I knew I'd heard it in a sci-fi movie somewhere.

Ah yes. "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome". Came out in 1985. How apropos, lmao.

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