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Name Change

pizzalvr11pizzalvr11 member
First Comment
in Wedding Woes
I would love everyone's opinion. I am wanting to keep my last name and take my partner's name ( have both last names), but my partner wants me to take his name ONLY. He does not want me to keep my last name. As for future children, they will only have his name. I will be the only one with the two names. He knows it ultimately is my decision. But has anyone else been in the situation? What did you decide? Why? 
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Re: Name Change

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    kingsley2021 said:
    I would love everyone's opinion. I am wanting to keep my last name and take my partner's name ( have both last names), but my partner wants me to take his name ONLY. He does not want me to keep my last name. As for future children, they will only have his name. I will be the only one with the two names. He knows it ultimately is my decision. But has anyone else been in the situation? What did you decide? Why? 
    Why is your partner so against you keeping your maiden name?
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  • pizzalvr11pizzalvr11 member
    First Comment
    He knows how "bad" it  sounds but he's always pictured his wife taking his name, but he wants me to be "his". I've told him since I do plan to take his name that I will be "his" but he doesn't give me much more reasoning than that. And he's not planning to change his mind. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    kingsley2021 said:
    He knows how "bad" it  sounds but he's always pictured his wife taking his name, but he wants me to be "his". I've told him since I do plan to take his name that I will be "his" but he doesn't give me much more reasoning than that. And he's not planning to change his mind. 
    Yeah, that does sound bad.  Definitely do whatever you are happiest with.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    kingsley2021 said:
    He knows how "bad" it  sounds but he's always pictured his wife taking his name, but he wants me to be "his". I've told him since I do plan to take his name that I will be "his" but he doesn't give me much more reasoning than that. And he's not planning to change his mind. 
    Yikes. This part is hard to read, TBH. 

    I wanted to take my husbands name, but I’d also earned my PhD and published under my maiden so I moved my maiden name to the middle and used it professionally. 

    You could also hyphenate and give your future children one of the names and stay hyphenated. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    kingsley2021 said:
    He knows how "bad" it  sounds but he's always pictured his wife taking his name, but he wants me to be "his". I've told him since I do plan to take his name that I will be "his" but he doesn't give me much more reasoning than that. And he's not planning to change his mind. 
    This alarms me a little. You're a person, not a possession. 

    As to your question, I kept my own last name and have no regrets about it. You need t make this decision for yourself. Nobody else can make it for you, not even the person you're marrying.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    This is a red flag. Please take this as someone currently going through a divorce. My husband was extremely controlling and absolutely saw me as "his". I'd have some serious reservations with marrying someone like this. 
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2020
    I changed my name and really wish i hadn't.  I didn't give a lot of thought prior to getting our license and had to make a game-time decision.  I do think it's nice that I have the same name as my H and my son, it's not at all necessary and I would have much preferred to keep my own name*.  Don't let anyone pressure you, and his reason is stupid and controlling. 

    *not worth the trouble to petition courts to change again.  
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    edited May 2020
    kingsley2021 said:
    He knows how "bad" it  sounds but he's always pictured his wife taking his name, but he wants me to be "his". I've told him since I do plan to take his name that I will be "his" but he doesn't give me much more reasoning than that. And he's not planning to change his mind. 
    Yeah, I’d be putting the brakes n marrying him. It’s your name. You get to do what you want with it. This sounds super controlling and like a red flag. 

    EF:spelling


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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I changed my name and it was 100% my choice and even my DH expressed his opinion of it but it was never for proprietary reasons.  

    I would have a long talk with someone who had this view.  You aren't his possession anymore than he is yours. 

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I'm going to echo everyone else and say that his attitude is HIGHLY concerning because this isn't just about a name.  It's about control.  It's about power.  It's about a misogynistic gender role where women are expected to be second-class citizens in their own marriage.  Don't misunderstand, I have no issue with women who choose to take their partner's last name.  But it should always be 100% their choice. 

    A person's name is part of their identity.  It's important.  You have already chosen the name you want, which even includes his ffs, and he has the AUDACITY to try and strongly influence you into what YOUR name should be.  Oh hhheeellll noooo!  It's extremely controlling and troubling behavior.

    Not to mention, if his last name is so important to him, does he not understand that the last name you've had your whole life is EQUALLY important to you?  Either he doesn't understand that or, even worse, doesn't give a s**t.  Because your own identity needs are less important than his "vision" of what a wife should do. 

    I sincerely hope that you've known your FI a long time.  That he usually treats you with respect and equality.  And this is just an aberration that he hasn't given much thought to, to realize just how completely sick and vile it is.  And will realize and agree that he really needs to just get TF over it, when it's explained to him.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    I've been married 40+ years.  I really wish "back then" I would have considered retaining my name.  Even after having my married name longer than my maiden name, it still feels "off" in terms of identity.  And I cannot tell you what a PITA it is whenever I need some formal document, like the new Real ID. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
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    edited May 2020
    Being married to him makes you committed to him. Your name does not. Being committed to him also does not make you his possession, and I agree with others that you need to dig into why this is such a big deal for him. I say this as someone who changed my name, so that my kids would not wonder why we had different names from one another (i.e., they're my new family unit) and kept my maiden as a second middle name.
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  • pizzalvr11pizzalvr11 member
    First Comment
    UPDATE: 
    First of all thank you to everyone who gave their input. I know what I have said makes my fiance sound a bit controlling, please know that he is not. He is very loving and romantic. He has his flaws and I have mine, but don't we all. I have since discussed all of your points with my fiance, and in the end, I told him that I want both names. He said ok and that he loves me no matter what. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    ocgirl11 said:
    I would love everyone's opinion. I am wanting to keep my last name and take my partner's name ( have both last names), but my partner wants me to take his name ONLY. He does not want me to keep my last name. As for future children, they will only have his name. I will be the only one with the two names. He knows it ultimately is my decision. But has anyone else been in the situation? What did you decide? Why? 
    Gross. I’d say if that’s his attitude I’m not changing at all. And I’d have serious doubts about him as a person. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    ocgirl11 said:
    He knows how "bad" it  sounds but he's always pictured his wife taking his name, but he wants me to be "his". I've told him since I do plan to take his name that I will be "his" but he doesn't give me much more reasoning than that. And he's not planning to change his mind. 
    Omg it just gets worse. This attitude is revolting. 
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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Your fiance needs a history lesson. Women in some cultures right here in the US (New England WASP; Southern, probably others as well) have historically used both names, switching their birth name to their middle, and using their husband's name as their last name. So if you are Amy Christine Davis and you marry Mick Jagger (gross!), you'd become Amy Davis Jagger.

    Today, some women hyphenate the two. Whether he likes it or not, it is a thing.
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