Dear Prudence,
I grew up in a family that combined narcissism and religious abuse with good old-fashioned military “discipline.” Everything I did, said, or consumed was monitored and controlled. Everything in my life revolved around pleasing my parents. I’m a reasonably well-adjusted adult parenting two children of my own, but I am still unable to fully escape my childhood conditioning that says I should be agreeing to my parents’ every whim. They significantly eased up by the time my two youngest siblings were old enough to notice, so they’ve basically had a totally different childhood. I’ve been told over and over that I’m lying about my own childhood.
My father is retiring soon, which is a huge deal in the military, and my mother has already told us all that we’re expected to go to their house for his party. She has said that since she “never asks for anything for herself” that it is especially important for us to attend. I don’t want to. There are going to be a bunch of people talking about how great my parents are and what a good job they did raising us. We’ll be expected to be appropriately subservient and grateful to the parents who “gave up so much” to provide for us. I want to avoid the whole charade altogether and not force my kids into a stressful situation. But I know if I don’t go it will turn into a thing that I will never stop hearing the end of it. Can I have permission to just not go and make up an excuse and not feel bad about it?
—Retirement Party Blues