Way too harsh, Tai.

mrsconn23 · June 2020

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend is pregnant and moved back home with her parents while I work an “essential” job with incredibly long hours. If I get home, shower, and eat, it’s a win. On my days off I try to schedule video chats with my loved ones, but I don’t have energy for much else. I’ve asked people not to text or call me on days I’m working unless it is an emergency. My girlfriend can’t get it through her head. She agrees, then gets bored and texts me several times a day. I don’t want to block her phone in case something happens to the baby, but getting a dozen messages of “U ok?” “You ok?” “You okay?” is like sandpaper on the skin. It breeds anxiety and angst. I want to be with her, but I can’t leave my job, and her parents are pampering her. The baby isn’t due until late November.

I have been ignoring her texts for the past week, and when we video-chatted, she pouted and accused me of not being a “supportive papa.” I lost my temper and told her that her mommy made her breakfast in bed the last three days and she spent all her time on Instagram modeling clothes her daddy bought her, I have actually been working like an adult. She cried and hung up. We apologized to each other, but she is still texting me. I want to beat my head against the wall. Her parents refuse to accept any money from me and say they will take care of their “little girl.” We were together nine months before this, and I don’t know if I want to continue the relationship. It is stupid. It is childish. But she keeps texting me, and I am going insane. I will be there for the baby, but my commitment to our relationship is wavering. My mother was a military spouse with five kids and never acted like this. Help!

—Stop Texting

banana468 · June 2020

1) I don't think it's smart right now to make any final decisions on a relationship during the pandemic.

2) You need to be firm with the girlfriend. "I am not able to respond to texts at work. Please do not text me unless you need me. When I see texts I fear the worst and know I am not able to do anything unless it's an emergency due to the requirements of my job. I wish I could talk more right now but the texting actually makes me anxious."

3) Don't hurl insults at your girlfriend. It's not helpful to tell her she's getting breakfast in bed even if her parents are enabling her.

You are going to be a father. Know that right now, between the pandemic and a baby on the way emotions for all involved are going to be high. So rather than talk about how you're at your wit's end, can you talk to your girlfriend and work to carve out time that the two of you can talk? That may help BOTH of you.

mrsconn23 · June 2020

I understand working long hours, but if LW has any sort of commute they should try to use that to contact GF then at least more days than other. She is pregnant, with YOUR baby.

While it's nice she's at her parents and they're taking care of her, I know when I was pregnant that I wanted DH over anyone else. I'm sure she's feeling all sorts of things and I can only imagine this separation is making her anxious. She needs reassurance, not someone who thinks it's all good because she's 'put up' somewhere and being 'taken care of'.

Furthermore, GF is not just another 'loved one'. That is your partner. So stop treating her like she should get the weekly call along with your mother.

I'm sure the constant texts are annoying, but she's trying to stay connected and have some peace of mind about your relationship. It's a new relationship and now you're throwing a whole new human into it and soon.

And I CANNOT STAND when people compare their partner to the one of the same or similar identity. You don't know what your mother did or didn't do, only what she showed you. She could have been blowing up your dad all day and they went to the car to fight about it. She was better at masking it. Who knows? But your partner's constitution shouldn't be compared to what your parent did.

banana468 · June 2020

mrsconn23 said:

I understand working long hours, but if LW has any sort of commute they should try to use that to contact GF then at least more days than other. She is pregnant, with YOUR baby.

While it's nice she's at her parents and they're taking care of her, I know when I was pregnant that I wanted DH over anyone else. I'm sure she's feeling all sorts of things and I can only imagine this separation is making her anxious. She needs reassurance, not someone who thinks it's all good because she's 'put up' somewhere and being 'taken care of'.

Furthermore, GF is not just another 'loved one'. That is your partner. So stop treating her like she should get the weekly call along with your mother.

I'm sure the constant texts are annoying, but she's trying to stay connected and have some peace of mind about your relationship. It's a new relationship and now you're throwing a whole new human into it and soon.

And I CANNOT STAND when people compare their partner to the one of the same or similar identity. You don't know what your mother did or didn't do, only what she showed you. She could have been blowing up your dad all day and they went to the car to fight about it. She was better at masking it. Who knows? But your partner's constitution shouldn't be compared to what your parent did.

Those are also all excellent points too. And the commentary about "This is what my mom did" is eye-rolling.

You get to be stressed and to ask for some space but you are insulting this woman who is pregnant during a pandemic.

charlotte989875 · June 2020

Pregnancy during covid sucks. It’s lonely, it’s isolating, and it’s terrifying. I don’t care if she’s due tomorrow or November, it’s not comparable to being pregnant in a non-pandemic time. Cut her some slack. She’s carrying your child, you’re an adult in a relationship, and yes your circumstances are hard, but that doesn’t give you license to be an ass.

If you want out of the relationship, that’s fine, but handle it like an adult. Don’t insult her or call her names. Someone is being childish here but it’s not her.

downtondiva · June 2020

DO. NOT. COMPARE. YOUR. GIRLFRIEND. TO. YOUR. MOTHER. OR. ANYONE. ELSE.

Anyway, please do try to be more patient with your girlfriend. Yes, as an essential worker, you are dealing with a lot right now. But everyone has something that they are dealing with right now, even if it's not the same stuff as you. And that includes your girlfriend. She is pregnant during the worst global pandemic in a century, which is scary, and she's probably very worried about you as well. If you are finding her frequent texts to be too much or you truly cannot respond while you're at work, gently explain to her that while you appreciate her concern about you, it isn't possible for you to be constantly responding to her while you're on the job and she needs to understand that you aren't available during that time. You should be able to have this conversation without insulting her or accusing her parents of spoiling her.

And as tired as you may be at the end of a work day, I do think you should make a little more effort to keep in touch with your girlfriend on those days, even if it's just a brief text conversation to check in and say hi. It's understandable that you don't want to talk to friends or even parents on those days, but this is your girlfriend and the mother of your child. I don't think it's fair to expect her to be totally okay with not hearing from you at all.

levioosa · June 2020

LW was so off-putting. I ended the letter feeling like GF should break it off for her own sake. LW sounds petty and immature. This is your PARTNER, LW, not a friend you’re scheduling a zoom call with at the end of the week. I think it’s acceptable to tell her “hey, I miss you too but texts during my work hours when I can’t check them cause me a lot of anxiety and worry. Please reserve those times for a true emergency.” And for the love of god, please don’t compare her to your mother.

MyNameIsNot · June 2020

These sound like two people who shouldn't be raising a child together.

ei34 · June 2020

Any shred of respect/being on "his side" I had for LW flew out the window during his last sentence when he compared his partner to his mother. Vomit! What an ignorant loser.

I hate to say this and sound like one of those "no ring no bring" brides who judges the length of people's relationships, but if they were together for 9 months before he wrote the letter, that's September. So they conceived a baby after five months together. That's a lot of role changes/expectations of a new relationship even without the pandemic in the mix. My favorite of LW's lines are the ones that admit the commitment to the relationship are wavering. LW's partner deserves better, I just hope he can be honest with her and say that out loud, instead of staying in the relationship "for the baby's sake".

short+sassy · June 2020

I see his point. I definitely see his point. Because I won't deal with someone, SO or not, who expects multiple text responses when I've already laid down parameters.

Since his g/f hasn't respected his and then gets upset when he doesn't reply back to her as much. Just like he told her he can't. I'd just tell my SO flat-out that I am no longer even looking at my phone during work hours and will have it turned off. If an actual emergency happens, then they can call the landline at my work.

With that said, he also needs to be more flexible and understanding. I don't care how many hours he's worked and how tired he is. He can take one minute a day. Just one minute. And at least text his g/f back to exchange pleasantries and tell her he misses her.

As an example, I previously had a tenant I needed to contact every single month about her rent. And it was a "good" month if I didn't have to do it multiple times because she ignored the first text. On months where I had to send a second text, here is almost the exact same text conversation we would have every time:

"Hey Tenant, I sent you a text yesterday about the late rent, but haven't heard back. It's important I know what is happening, so I can plan accordingly."

"(Excuse why her rent was late then...) I was working yesterday and I've TOLD you that I can't text at work."

"Yes, I fully understand that. And I have told you that is fine and I don't expect or get upset, if I you don't reply back right away. However, I have also told you that I do expect a response back within 24 hours."

Not that I ever said this to her, because what would be the point. But I always wanted to add, "Because I'm sure you can find less than one minute to text me back over an entire day and night." Same goes for the LW.

mrsconn23 · June 2020

short+sassy said:

I see his point. I definitely see his point. Because I won't deal with someone, SO or not, who expects multiple text responses when I've already laid down parameters.

I see his point too. I can also see DH feeling the *same* way this dude does if I were to be this way, especially when he's super busy at work (like he is now due to an audit). DH gets uber high strung under stress, if he feels it's coming from all directions. I don't discount that LW is under a ton of pressure between having a pregnant GF and working an essential job. But 16 years into our relationship, I have the benefit of time to navigate and also express to DH why his behavior is bothersome. .

But this guy takes it too far by insulting her, expecting her not to 'need' him even though she's pregnant with his child, and treating her as everyone else when she's supposedly his partner. He's got 5 min in a day to be in contact with her.

He tries so hard to paint her as immature (by calling her a 'little girl' and referring to her 'pouting'...gross), but he doesn't realize how bad he sounds by being so dismissive. They're in a tough spot because the relationship is so new, then they got pregnant and decided to proceed with the pregnancy, and are now separated, for good reason, but still.

Again, another letter where the other perspective would be very interesting. I know if I was being treated this way while pregnant, mine would be full of very inventive cuss words. LOL

Casadena · June 2020

short+sassy said:

I see his point. I definitely see his point. Because I won't deal with someone, SO or not, who expects multiple text responses when I've already laid down parameters.

Since his g/f hasn't respected his and then gets upset when he doesn't reply back to her as much. Just like he told her he can't. I'd just tell my SO flat-out that I am no longer even looking at my phone during work hours and will have it turned off. If an actual emergency happens, then they can call the landline at my work.

With that said, he also needs to be more flexible and understanding. I don't care how many hours he's worked and how tired he is. He can take one minute a day. Just one minute. And at least text his g/f back to exchange pleasantries and tell her he misses her.

As an example, I previously had a tenant I needed to contact every single month about her rent. And it was a "good" month if I didn't have to do it multiple times because she ignored the first text. On months where I had to send a second text, here is almost the exact same text conversation we would have every time:

"Hey Tenant, I sent you a text yesterday about the late rent, but haven't heard back. It's important I know what is happening, so I can plan accordingly."

"(Excuse why her rent was late then...) I was working yesterday and I've TOLD you that I can't text at work."

"Yes, I fully understand that. And I have told you that is fine and I don't expect or get upset, if I you don't reply back right away. However, I have also told you that I do expect a response back within 24 hours."

Not that I ever said this to her, because what would be the point. But I always wanted to add, "Because I'm sure you can find less than one minute to text me back over an entire day and night." Same goes for the LW.

I agree with you 100%. He has set boundaries, she's not respecting them -in terms of communication during work hours. If she needs him to check in daily - he should respect that as well and make an effort to talk to her before or after shifts either via text or actually calling. I think they both have work to do and ultimately the relationship may not work if they can't both respect each other needs and boundaries.

banana468 · June 2020

Casadena said:

short+sassy said:

I see his point. I definitely see his point. Because I won't deal with someone, SO or not, who expects multiple text responses when I've already laid down parameters.

Since his g/f hasn't respected his and then gets upset when he doesn't reply back to her as much. Just like he told her he can't. I'd just tell my SO flat-out that I am no longer even looking at my phone during work hours and will have it turned off. If an actual emergency happens, then they can call the landline at my work.

With that said, he also needs to be more flexible and understanding. I don't care how many hours he's worked and how tired he is. He can take one minute a day. Just one minute. And at least text his g/f back to exchange pleasantries and tell her he misses her.

As an example, I previously had a tenant I needed to contact every single month about her rent. And it was a "good" month if I didn't have to do it multiple times because she ignored the first text. On months where I had to send a second text, here is almost the exact same text conversation we would have every time:

"Hey Tenant, I sent you a text yesterday about the late rent, but haven't heard back. It's important I know what is happening, so I can plan accordingly."

"(Excuse why her rent was late then...) I was working yesterday and I've TOLD you that I can't text at work."

"Yes, I fully understand that. And I have told you that is fine and I don't expect or get upset, if I you don't reply back right away. However, I have also told you that I do expect a response back within 24 hours."

Not that I ever said this to her, because what would be the point. But I always wanted to add, "Because I'm sure you can find less than one minute to text me back over an entire day and night." Same goes for the LW.

I agree with you 100%. He has set boundaries, she's not respecting them -in terms of communication during work hours. If she needs him to check in daily - he should respect that as well and make an effort to talk to her before or after shifts either via text or actually calling. I think they both have work to do and ultimately the relationship may not work if they can't both respect each other needs and boundaries.

This is why I'm really trying to see both sides here.

I just rarely talk to DH in a work day and we're both at computers. And even when expecting I wasn't constantly checking in. And he'd mention that there were several guys he worked with that were constantly on the phone with their SOs and it was not something that worked for him.

But when pregnant I'd really be sad if we couldn't get time together. And I'm guessing her parents are being nice to her because they can and because he's not there. And he needs to meet her needs too.

charlotte989875 · June 2020

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

short+sassy said:

I see his point. I definitely see his point. Because I won't deal with someone, SO or not, who expects multiple text responses when I've already laid down parameters.

Since his g/f hasn't respected his and then gets upset when he doesn't reply back to her as much. Just like he told her he can't. I'd just tell my SO flat-out that I am no longer even looking at my phone during work hours and will have it turned off. If an actual emergency happens, then they can call the landline at my work.

With that said, he also needs to be more flexible and understanding. I don't care how many hours he's worked and how tired he is. He can take one minute a day. Just one minute. And at least text his g/f back to exchange pleasantries and tell her he misses her.

As an example, I previously had a tenant I needed to contact every single month about her rent. And it was a "good" month if I didn't have to do it multiple times because she ignored the first text. On months where I had to send a second text, here is almost the exact same text conversation we would have every time:

"Hey Tenant, I sent you a text yesterday about the late rent, but haven't heard back. It's important I know what is happening, so I can plan accordingly."

"(Excuse why her rent was late then...) I was working yesterday and I've TOLD you that I can't text at work."

"Yes, I fully understand that. And I have told you that is fine and I don't expect or get upset, if I you don't reply back right away. However, I have also told you that I do expect a response back within 24 hours."

Not that I ever said this to her, because what would be the point. But I always wanted to add, "Because I'm sure you can find less than one minute to text me back over an entire day and night." Same goes for the LW.

I agree with you 100%. He has set boundaries, she's not respecting them -in terms of communication during work hours. If she needs him to check in daily - he should respect that as well and make an effort to talk to her before or after shifts either via text or actually calling. I think they both have work to do and ultimately the relationship may not work if they can't both respect each other needs and boundaries.

This is why I'm really trying to see both sides here.

I just rarely talk to DH in a work day and we're both at computers. And even when expecting I wasn't constantly checking in. And he'd mention that there were several guys he worked with that were constantly on the phone with their SOs and it was not something that worked for him.

But when pregnant I'd really be sad if we couldn't get time together. And I'm guessing her parents are being nice to her because they can and because he's not there. And he needs to meet her needs too.

H and I never text during the day, even when we weren’t WFH, unless it was something specific, it’s never been our thing.

But, being pregnant right now is a fucking lot and I’d be really sad (and feel even more alone) if I couldn't see or at least talk to H once a day.

I agree it’s unreasonable to expect him to text all day/at work but it’s perfectly legitimate for her to want some connection with her partner, especially now.

Way too harsh, Tai.

Re: Way too harsh, Tai.

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