Decided Not to Have a MOH...Told my Bridesmaids...Now I want a MOH...

Re: Decided Not to Have a MOH...Told my Bridesmaids...Now I want a MOH...

• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  June 2020

  First of all, don't say what your mom suggested. MOH is not a job it is an honor. She isn't required to do any planning or errands for her. The only expectation is that she stand with you in the attire required, be in some pictures, maybe hold your bouquet and sign your marriage certificate (depending on local ordinances). As for who you choose or don't choose, just tell them you have changed your mind and do want a MOH after all. You don't need to explain why you made the choice you made.

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  June 2020 edited June 2020

  There's a balance between being a people pleaser and having the wedding you want.  It's o.k. to change your mind on ideas, you're 11mo out at this point, by this time next year you could have a whole different event than what you're thinking of as an event today!  Just ask all the brides that got married anyway during this whole Covid-19, especially the ones in March-May.  When you make a decision with your FI on anything wedding related, as long as you're paying for it, set it in stone and "forget it" (rely on your vendors to do their jobs, you're hiring them to delegate specific portions of the day to for a reason..)..
  
  Something I'd suggest is don't discuss a lot of details until time gets closer to the wedding itself.  At the end of the day, making decisions that are people pleasing because people tell you they don't like an idea you've got (provided it isn't something like doing B-lists, or not having enough tables/chairs for everyone, etc.) has to be on balance.  I had people forcefully tell me "Don't serve the cake until the dance has started so you can cut down on the cake you need... " when I wanted table cakes and if people wanted a slice of cake before dinner, darn it, go ahead!  Then there were other things, I wanted an accessory for my BM and was willing to pay for it as it was something my aunt did for her wedding and I loved it and one BM had a hissy fit, said she talked to everyone else, so I didn't do it and after the fact the other BM found out when we were chatting about things after the wedding said they liked the idea..  Also, changing your mind because you got feedback from people can get really spendy really quickly!  Take feedback on balance, there's a rule "Ye who pays gets a say!".  If your BM are paying for their dress, they get a say in what the budget is and you go with the lowest as your top amount after alterations..  That said, when it comes to wanting a MOH now, go ahead, you don't have to justify changing your mind, that said, you might consider it something you announce at the Rehearsal dinner rather than now, but if you want to, that's o.k. too..

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• flantastic member

  

  June 2020

  You're allowed to ask your friend to be MOH if you want to honor her that way. However, as PP said, that doesn't give her a job or make her a "point person" for anything. Usually it means she stands closest to you at your wedding and is probably the witness on the marriage license. Anything else (hosting showers, bachelorettes, etc.) has to be freely offered by her. Any bridesmaid, or really any friend, would be equally free to offer those things, and you could say yes or no to the offer.
  
  Since it is just an honor and a title, I wouldn't change the setup now. That's me personally. You certainly can, but then yes, you do have to say to everyone, "Actually, I have decided to ask A to be MOH" (I wouldn't give explanation), and you have to let them feel however they feel about it. Adults should be able to process those feelings, understand that such titles are not owed or deserved, and move on.

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  June 2020

  knottie53d225e30aa133c1 said:

  I'm getting married next May and I have had a really hard time planning my wedding and making decisions. I have often been worried about making the wrong decisions or hurt people's feelings. When it came to my bridesmaids, I had decided not to have a MOH because I didn't want to have to choose and hurt feelings. I shared my plan with 2 of my 4 bridesmaids and have since realized that I really do want one of my friends to be my MOH...but how do I now tell my other friend that I'm choosing someone else to be my MOH? Or do I just stick to my decision and not choose at all?
  

  
  

  Some back story:

  The girl who I want as my bridesmaid (not MOH) is my best friend from childhood. We always grew up saying we would be each other's MOH. However, since we've become adults, she has moved across the country and with our busy schedules, distance, and the time difference, we hardly talk or see one another. However we are still best friends and always pick up where we left off. When I told her the news that I wasn't picking a MOH because I wanted all my bridesmaids to be my MOH and just couldn't choose, and asked how she felt, she said, "Great, it's whatever you want. It's your wedding".

  
  

  The other girl, the one who I want to ask to be my MOH, is my best friend from college. We talk nearly every day/multiple times a day, and she has been there for a lot of major moments in my life, including a lot of wedding planning drama. Pulling from Grey's Anatomy, my husband to be is the love of my life and my friend is my soul mate. When I told her, she sounded disappointed but said, "Ok, that sounds good."

  
  

  My mom suggested that I wait about a month (I only told them this yesterday) and say something along the lines of to the friend I don't want as MOH, "You know, I've done a lot of thinking and I realized I'm in a bit more over my head than I originally thought and will need more help planning things than I thought. I've decided I'm going to make ______ my Maid of Honor and have her plans things out. I just know how busy you are with work and how much travel you have coming up in the next year, I just don't want you to feel weighed down or spread too thin."

  
  

  The thing is, I don't want to want it to sound like, "Just kidding, I don't want you and I'm choosing someone else" or sound like I think my friend couldn't do it or would do a bad job. My other thought would be to just stick to my decision and be ok with it.

  
  

  Thoughts? All suggestions for what I could do and how I might deliver this message would be greatly appreciated

  Your mom's wording is pretty much guaranteed to hurt feelings. It will hurt the friend you're not asking because you're suggesting that you're not as close because she doesn't do enough for you, and it hurts the friend who you do ask to be MOH because it tells her you want her to be MOH to do unpaid labor, not to honor your relationship. 
  
  If you hadn't said anything at all, I would say ask the woman you want to ask and say nothing to the other bridesmaid. But now that you've gone on about not wanting a MOH, it's going to draw attention to choosing one over the other. For that reason alone, I would just leave it alone. Remember, MOH is just a way to honor an extra special friend. Bridesmaid is an honor. No one is required or expected to help plan your wedding or do chores for you.
  

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• htow member

  

  June 2020

  knottie53d225e30aa133c1 said:

  The girl who I want as my bridesmaid (not MOH) is my best friend from childhood. We always grew up saying we would be each other's MOH. However, since we've become adults, she has moved across the country and with our busy schedules, distance, and the time difference, we hardly talk or see one another. However we are still best friends and always pick up where we left off. When I told her the news that I wasn't picking a MOH because I wanted all my bridesmaids to be my MOH and just couldn't choose, and asked how she felt, she said, "Great, it's whatever you want. It's your wedding".

  Was this statement referring to the two bridesmaids you have discussed this with, or all 4 of your bridesmaids? If you are having trouble picking between just those two friends perhaps you could have a maid and matron of honor (if one of them is married) or just two MOHs. 

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