Demanding sex totally makes someone want it.

mrsconn23 · July 2020

Dear Prudence,

I have been married for 23 years. My wife and I are in our early 50s. Over the past five years I have told my wife on three or four occasions that I am dissatisfied with our lack of a sex life and would like her to show more interest. Every time she agrees and promises to “do more,” but nothing changes. I have asked if it’s me, if I’m bad at sex, or what the problem is, and she says it’s not me but doesn’t give a clear answer, only saying that she will “improve.” I last brought this up in November, and since then we have had sex once.

I am not ready to stop having sex. I am ready to leave—not just because of the sex, but because it feels like she’s lying to me and keeping secrets. It feels painful and disrespectful to be told “Sure, I’ll start making changes” over and over when nothing happens. If I continue to keep my mouth shut, I worry it will reinforce her belief that I’m OK with it. But I know our three kids will be unhappy if we split up. One of our children is on the spectrum, and I don’t know how he would take the news. There is also the real possibility that I could leave only to find no one else would want to be with me. What would you suggest?

—One Foot Out the Door

CharmedPam · July 2020

This is tough because I can only assume the sex life was great up to five years ago. I’m feeling for both of them, actually. If LW’s wife lost interest only she can bring it back. I know the common answer is therapy but I’m not sure how effect that would be since it sounds like communication is pretty open, being that LW isn’t silent about it. Maybe offer to go to a sex store together to see if anything piques her interest?

banana468 · July 2020

Continue the dialogue.

Also, as someone who has a mismatched libido w/ her spouse, you need to do more than say you want it. Compliment her and give her a massage with no motive. Be nice!

And continue to talk to her and ask what YOU can do to help get her both into the mood and to make it more enjoyable. There's a good chance that at her age she's going through major hormonal shifts that can contribute to both desire and possible dryness - neither of which help lay down a good mood. Understanding that it takes two to tango, you need to own your end of this which is more than just walking up to her talking about your needs and the 3rd leg developing. Maybe for you sex can be entirely need based but for many there needs to be a foundation and groundwork that helps to get the engine primed.

mrsconn23 · July 2020

Ugh. I feel this is so layered.

I honestly would need to understand the context of how LW is approaching their wife. Because the way the letter is written has me feeling defensive for the wife, since she's likely going through menopause, still working, has a child on the spectrum who probably needs more assistance than their other children, etc.

Sex has rarely been an issue for DH and me, but the few times we've not seen eye to eye on our sex life has been one of the more difficult conversations. You don't want to talk about it, disappointing your partner sexually can make you feel so insecure, you want the conversation to be over with ASAP, and probably will promise to 'improve' to end it. Thankfully, we've gotten to a good place with our sex life and communication about it that we can talk to each other in a supportive way and make it feel collaborative vs. "you're not doing x for me, and you need to change it."

I really think therapy, maybe starting with couple's and then moving on to sex or doing them in tandem, may help them. But seriously, LW needs to take leaving off the table. They'll never work it out if he's looking for the door.

banana468 · July 2020

mrsconn23 said:

Ugh. I feel this is so layered.

I honestly would need to understand the context of how LW is approaching their wife. Because the way the letter is written has me feeling defensive for the wife, since she's likely going through menopause, still working, has a child on the spectrum who probably needs more assistance than their other children, etc.

Sex has rarely been an issue for DH and me, but the few times we've not seen eye to eye on our sex life has been one of the more difficult conversations. You don't want to talk about it, disappointing your partner sexually can make you feel so insecure, you want the conversation to be over with ASAP, and probably will promise to 'improve' to end it. Thankfully, we've gotten to a good place with our sex life and communication about it that we can talk to each other in a supportive way and make it feel collaborative vs. "you're not doing x for me, and you need to change it."

I really think therapy, maybe starting with couple's and then moving on to sex or doing them in tandem, may help them. But seriously, LW needs to take leaving off the table. They'll never work it out if he's looking for the door.

Also agree. You can't say that the sex is that important that you're ready to walk when there probably are other issues.

VarunaTT · July 2020

I know that my "why I left my exH' centers a lot on sex. And the end of marriage was centered a lot on the lack of sex (we hadn't had sex for 5 years before I left and it had been sporadic for at least another 5 before that). But sex centered on a lot in our life. The missing sex was the result of his depression, then lack of sex created lack of intimacy, and it keeps trickling on until we were basically roommates (and he was a bad one who was under/unemployed, didn't pay bills, didn't help our daily life b/c of untreated, uncontrolled depression). In a weird way, even though it's one of the most uncomfortable conversations, it's the easiest to latch onto as a simple reason for problems, b/c it is such an important underlying reason and easy to focus in on. It's, "Hey, if I were at least having an orgasm once a week that I didn't give myself, this might make some of this a little easier."

So, LW's lack of sex, the resulting lack of intimacy, I can see where it's starting to trickle down into other things (I think she's lying, keeping secrets, it's causing me pain). And he might be at the point where it's gone so far, it's unsaveable. exH refused marital counseling or even individual counseling. Then the words, "I want a divorce" came out of my mouth and suddenly he was willing...and it was too late for me, because my perception was now there was no relationship or marriage to save.

ETA: To me, it doesn't sound like LW is really interested in saving it. His concerns are more related to himself, other people's perception of if he left, and his possibility of getting laid after. There might be more to the story, there might not be. The minimum would be marital counseling to figure out the "why" for his spouse and how each of them can learn to deal with those things through communicating better more consistently than every few months.

But if he just wants validation for divorcing his wife, I'll gladly hand it to him. She deserves better than someone who isn't willing to work through this with her (in my case, exH didn't want to work through it with me, I forced him into a doctor and an therapist a few times and he would take meds/go to therapy for about 4-6 weeks, declare himself fine and stop. After the 3rd/4th time of me pushing that, I got tired of pushing and shut down there too).

charlotte989875 · July 2020

I really feel for both of them here; there’s clearly something happening where the wife doesn’t want to or can’t have sex (emotionally, physically) but that this is something important to the LW and is starting to lead to other problems.

As hard as it is I think he needs to again bring it up, but not as “I need more sex” or “how come you never want to do it” but in an attempt to understand what is happening with his wife and why things have changed. If he wants to work it out (and assuming she does as well) they can’t do it without talking about it, but if he’s done he still owes it to her to explain why.

MyNameIsNot · July 2020

"I want more sex." "Ok, I'll do better." is not really discussing this. Why doesn't wife want to have sex? Or does she want to, but not when you're available to her? What are you doing to work through this together besides expecting her to solve it?

If you're ready to just end the marriage, that's probably best. But maybe think on it before getting into another relationship. This is not communication, and you're not going to find something better until you learn to communicate with your partner about uncomfortable topics.

MissKittyDanger · July 2020

I personally would suggest maybe therapy - sexual or otherwise. Maybe the wife is experiencing things she may not really know?

short+sassy · July 2020

I feel like there is too much "generality" going on. I'm almost picturing the conversations like this:

LW: "I'm not happy with our sex life. I want you to show more interest."
Wife: "You're right. I'm sorry. I'll do better."

This needs to be a more in-depth, specific, and continuing conversation. I get that he doesn't want to nag his wife and that's a good instinct. But, at the same time, he's only mentioned it 3-4 times in the last 5 years. The wife might think things have improved, since they rarely talk about. There's no feedback for them to go on.

We're also assuming that he initiates sex and she's turning it down a lot. But he doesn't actually say that. Maybe he's waiting for her to initiate it more often, ie "show more interest", and is sad that she isn't. He does sound like he feels really rejected and unwanted.

downtondiva · July 2020

They need to have a more in-depth discussion of this. 3-4 times is not really that often to have mentioned this issue in 5 years, and it doesn't sound like they ever really sat down and talked it out in any meaningful way.

MesmrEwe · July 2020

"There is also the real possibility that I could leave only to find no one else would want to be with me. What would you suggest?"
—One Foot Out the Door

This line here says where the actual problem is... Kid on the spectrum is difficult on even the best sex life.. Kid on spectrum at home 24/7 with Covid lockdown = free pass since March because my guess is she's fielding 98% of the workload.

Start flirting with his wife without the expectation of sex. Start helping out and lifting a dang finger too...

GBCK · July 2020

MesmrEwe said:

"There is also the real possibility that I could leave only to find no one else would want to be with me. What would you suggest?"
—One Foot Out the Door

This line here says where the actual problem is... Kid on the spectrum is difficult on even the best sex life.. Kid on spectrum at home 24/7 with Covid lockdown = free pass since March because my guess is she's fielding 98% of the workload.

Start flirting with his wife without the expectation of sex. Start helping out and lifting a dang finger too...

Uhmmm, I know this is 2 days late but
WHAT?

Call me sensitive (guilty) and having drunk some of the kool-aid from the Neurodiversity movement (also guilty) but....this seems like an awful take.
I would, if I were a kid on the spectrum, read this as 'kids w/ ASD cause divorces'

And you know 'on the spectrum' means somewhere between "slightly quirky without special care needs" and "some intense care needs", right?

Demanding sex totally makes someone want it.

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