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Classic Prudie: Yes, you're a monster.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

I am in my late 30s and still keep in touch with good friends from high school. “Jim” and “Arlene” were married to each other right out of high school. Jim then cheated on Arlene while they were married with Arlene’s best friend “Maureen.” Arlene left Jim and he and Maureen got together, and while they never married stayed together for years. Needless to say Maureen was not thought of highly and many wished karma to take action on her. Well just this year Maureen died after a long, horrible battle with cancer. Jim left Maureen while she was battling cancer because he “could not handle it.” Many people have been saying, well karma came and there it was, and I have to admit that I have thought the same thing. As someone who personally has been cheated on I have wished much worse on the cheater and the mistress. But is it wrong to feel that she got what she deserved? I think people saying that are terrible but in the back of my mind I cannot truly disagree and I feel horrible for feeling that way.


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Re: Classic Prudie: Yes, you're a monster.

  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    Was it wrong of Maureen to have an affair with her best friend's husband? Yes. Does that mean she deserved a horrible, terminal battle with cancer and to be ditched by her partner in the middle of it? No. Just because someone made a mistake earlier in their life doesn't mean they deserve a miserable death. Have a little compassion.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    You think that because she's the other woman she deserved to DIE?!? 

    Yes.   You should feel horrible.  

    Her actions are not excusable but that does not mean that it's in any way acceptable to wish death - especially one that comes in a long, drawn-out horrible cancer battle, on her. 


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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Yes, it’s terrible to wish death on anyone or celebrate that they got sick and died. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited July 2020
    LW knows that everyone is horrible in this, including them. 

    Also, they all suck for removing Jim from this narrative.  Maureen was not married to Arlene.  Yes, is it a tangled mess for all involved.  But JIM was the one married.  He broke his vows.  Also, JIM left his dying partner. Why no criticism of Jim? 

    LW should think about the company they're keeping and who they're allowing to influence their opinions.   
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Jim is the terrible one here. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    The only monster in this letter is Jim.

    The LW isn't a monster for having unfair bad thoughts and feelings.  I think we all do that to some extent.  It cannot always be helped.

    Or do "we"?  Am I a monster because I do that on the reg and just think everyone else does too, lol?  

    The LW would only be a monster if they said or did things outside their own head.  Like contacting Maureen when she was still alive to say, "Haha!  Jim left you!  But that's what you get for marrying a loser cheater.  Karma Beoy-otch!"  Now THAT would be a monster.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    short+sassy said:
    The only monster in this letter is Jim.

    The LW isn't a monster for having unfair bad thoughts and feelings.  I think we all do that to some extent.  It cannot always be helped.

    Or do "we"?  Am I a monster because I do that on the reg and just think everyone else does too, lol?  

    The LW would only be a monster if they said or did things outside their own head.  Like contacting Maureen when she was still alive to say, "Haha!  Jim left you!  But that's what you get for marrying a loser cheater.  Karma Beoy-otch!"  Now THAT would be a monster.
    I don’t think you’re a monster for having thoughts but I do think it’s important to recognize bad ones and try to stop. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    short+sassy said:
    The only monster in this letter is Jim.

    The LW isn't a monster for having unfair bad thoughts and feelings.  I think we all do that to some extent.  It cannot always be helped.

    Or do "we"?  Am I a monster because I do that on the reg and just think everyone else does too, lol?  

    The LW would only be a monster if they said or did things outside their own head.  Like contacting Maureen when she was still alive to say, "Haha!  Jim left you!  But that's what you get for marrying a loser cheater.  Karma Beoy-otch!"  Now THAT would be a monster.
    I don’t think you’re a monster for having thoughts but I do think it’s important to recognize bad ones and try to stop. 
    Totally agree!  Mine tend to be extreme punishments I visualize for minor, albeit completely selfish, infractions people do.  Like stopping in a lane of traffic to let someone out or in their car.  Especially when there is a perfectly good and open curb they could have just pulled over onto.  But the extra 10 seconds that might have cost them is worth causing a traffic hazard and for everyone around them to be inconvenienced.

    I don't actually want them to get rear-ended at 35MPH.  But I might fantasize about it.

    But for negative thoughts that are more serious.  Especially if I have concerns it's something that could subconsciously affect my actions.  I try to retrain my brain.

    I'll give an example.  There is a particular word that means to "cheat or con" someone, but it's derogatory for a particular ethnicity.  I don't even want to say what it is because I feel so guilty about it now.  I've used this word most of my life, starting from a little kid, because that's just what that word meant.  I never even associated it with an ethnicity.  But someone corrected me about it a few years ago and it was like, "Oh!  Yeah.  I see that now."  But GD it!  That word still pops in my head probably a few times a month.

    I've corrected myself to no longer say it, but I still think it.  Though it's been less often with time.  And just for a peek into my secret mind quirkiness, lol.  I'll even sometimes visualize the word in writing.  Then visualize one of those big cartoon mallots smashing it a few times.  I'm trying!  I'm trying!
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Jim and Maureen are in my extended friend group. Well, the official story is that they didn't start dating until after the divorce was final, but come on. Jim moved to Maureen's "basement" when he first separated from Arlene. I hate Jim and avoid him at all costs. Maureen is ok. Even if I think she's shady, she doesn't deserve to die alone.

    I guess you can't help how you feel, but you can help what you say and do. I don't for a second think this stays inside LW's head. They're in their late 30's and still wrapped up in high school friends' marriages and divorces. The use of "highly thought of" means there's plenty of gossip flying around. I certainly don't buy LW as the innocent ears in this gossip train. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    My only real takeaway is how and why is Jim excused?  Kinda reminds me of when people were turned off by Angelina after Brad did Jen dirty.  (Sorry for bringing People Magazine into this, I don't have a real-life comparison.)
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Right!  BOTH of them are at fault here.

    Jim is the bigger jerk because in addition to cheating he also leaves when the going gets tough.

    That said, I don't know that I agree that by doing this you deserve terminal cancer and I can somewhat empathize with the concept of wishing ill will, I don't think you actually hope it happens!

    We're in a family pickle at the moment.   My dad hasn't spoken to one of his brother's for 2 decades and now that brother has terminal cancer.   The brother was an entitled jerk and put my dad and the oldest brother in a bad financial spot all under the premise of "providing my grandmother  care" which he wasn't doing.   I understand that my dad was angry and now support my dad making amends with his dying brother. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    LW, why are you not assigning any responsibility to Jim here? He's the one who cheated with Maureen, and he ran out on her when she needed him just as he cheated on Arlene. That makes him a monster.

    But I don't think anyone deserves to die of cancer because she was the "other woman" in adultery. Wishing that on someone isn't a good thing either. I don't think wishing someone ill quite falls in the category of monster, but it's not something to be proud of either.  
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