I'd say there's no value, but talk to your rabbi?

mrsconn23 · July 2020

Dear Prudence,

After several years of consideration and a year of study with my rabbi, I’ve set a date for my conversion to Judaism. I am incredibly happy and excited for this next chapter of my life. The only thing that is weighing on me is whether to tell my parents. I grew up in a very strict household where “children should be seen and not heard” was the rule. As an adult I’ve kept most of my life quite private from my relatives, and my weekly phone call with my parents never stray beyond the weather, work, and what we’ve been cooking lately. My mother is a devout Christian, and religion has been a source of tension between us in the past. The last time I expressed doubts about Christianity I was a teenager, and I got slapped, then told not to question my parents again. I’ve mentioned attending a synagogue in passing a few times and my parents responded with silence or a hasty change of subject.

Is there any value in telling them about my conversion? It feels strange to omit something that is so important to my day-to-day life, but so does the thought of having to explain or justify a deeply personal decision.

—Secret Conversion

banana468 · July 2020

Well, it's going to be interesting if your parents ask you to say the blessing and you don't end it with a Christian one.

That said, I'd tread lightly and consider the guidance of your rabbi in how you may want to approach the topic.

STARMOON44 · July 2020

I think realistically you know that if you tell your parents they will be hateful about it and your relationship will be over. If you want to keep a distant relationship of infrequent phone calls that stay on the surface it’s okay to do that.

mrsconn23 · July 2020

So your parents weaponized religion, are controlling and abusive, they required you to fall in line and used fear and intimidation to do so, you questioned them once and were retaliated against physically. This has led you as an adult to practically cut them off except for the most cold/distant/'polite' interactions via phone and you have no contact with extended family.

While I appreciate you wish to have some sort of religion and spirituality in your life LW, I think changing faiths isn't going to make you feel whole. I think a deeper exploration of why you need to please them and/or have them approve of your choices, especially when the choice to change religions is not going to be well-received at all. Secular counseling would likely be helpful under these circumstances.

charlotte989875 · July 2020

You don’t owe them information about your life but if you want to tell them LW, then do it. Although I’d be prepared for the same type of reaction as when you were a teenager.

If it comes up, maybe don’t lie, but you also don’t have to call them up on the day of your conversion to break the news.

downtondiva · July 2020

Hmmm. If you've kept most things about your life private from your parents for a while now and that's worked for you, I don't see any need to tell them about your conversion. At the same time, I also understand why you'd feel funny about keeping something this significant from your parents.

But there's nothing saying you need to tell them the moment you've converted. Talk to your rabbi - I bet this won't be the first time they've heard of a situation like yours. And it could be useful to talk to a therapist as well. They can both help you figure out whether to tell your parents at all, how to tell them if you do, and how to handle it if they react badly.

short+sassy · July 2020

Of all the people that could give the best advice, I hope the LW has spoken to the rabbi they have been studying with for the last year about this issue.

I don't think the LW needs to make this decision now. Perhaps not ever. But it sounds like it might weigh on them if they don't say something and I could understand that. However, they need to be in a good place where they will be emotionally prepared for the consequences.

drunkenwitch · July 2020

As someone who barely tells her parents anything about her life as well, for many reasons, I can absolutely sympathize. I also don't believe LW needs to tell their parents Jack shit about where and how they worship. The parents have shown that they don't deserve the privilege of knowing their child, nothing wrong with protecting your mental health and keeping toxic people at arm's length.

MesmrEwe · July 2020

Always remember LW - Jesus was a Jew....

Jen4948 · July 2020

Just because your parents are likely to retaliate with intense hostility if you tell them about your conversion, I would suggest not revealing it unless you have to and/or are ready to break ties with them completely, because they might reject you on hearing that you are now Jewish.

I also agree with the above advice that you should get both religious counseling from your rabbi and secular counseling to help you deal with any negativity from your parents as well as feeling comfortable as a convert to Judaism. It's not going to be the answer to all your troubles.

I'd say there's no value, but talk to your rabbi?

Re: I'd say there's no value, but talk to your rabbi?

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