Tell Julie that you need to leave the past in the past.

mrsconn23 · July 2020

Dear Prudence,

“Julie” and I were 17 when we got married, because she got pregnant and our parents were fundamentalists. She lost the baby, and various life events (college for her, an out-of-state job offer for me) pulled us apart. We got divorced but really thought we’d get back together someday and make another go of it. That was a decade ago. Julie recently moved back to our hometown and has apparently decided it’s time for us to get back together. She sent me a passionate and romantic email full of memories of the past and plans for the future. I loved her—I still love her in a way—and it may even be true that we’re soulmates. But I love my wife and our kids and the life we’ve built together. I have no interest in upending that.

How do I tell Julie that? We made a lot of promises to each other as kids, and she expects us to keep them. I feel guilty that I don’t want to anymore, and I don’t want to break her heart over email. But we haven’t been in contact for a decade. I don’t believe she’s just been pining all this time (she was apparently previously engaged to someone else). I’m a little worried about her. My wife feels a bit jealous, but thinks I should go talk to Julie in person, since she deserves to hear it straight from me. Is that really wise? My father burned down his own life when he met up with a former flame, and I don’t want to be that guy.

—Not Soulmates Anymore

charlotte989875 · July 2020

You don’t be that guy by not being that guy. Talking with Julie doesn’t mean having sex with her and burning down your marriage.

That said I think an email saying you think fondly of your time together but that you are happily married and you wish Julie the best is sufficient in this case.

banana468 · July 2020

"Julie, I appreciate the note. What we had years ago was truly special and it needs to stay in the past. I wish you well and am very happy with my wife."

mrsconn23 · July 2020

LW is oversimplifying his dad's actions. I wonder how old he was when his dad 'burned down' his life over an old flame?

I don't think LW has truly dealt with everything that went down with Julie. The extremely young marriage, loss of a child, realizing they grew up and apart.

He seems to look back at that, and his father's actions, in a hazy, almost romantic, light. I feel like his wife would feel more secure if LW didn't seem so rattled by this.

I don't think LW should meet with Julie in person. I don't feel there's value in it. He should write an e-mail back telling Julie he's married with children and wishes her well. LW should do some soul-searching and reality-checking on the past and be a little more based in reality about where he was and where he is now.

downtondiva · July 2020

I agree that meeting in person is not a good idea - not because I think LW will be unable to control himself upon seeing Julie, but because it may feed into her misguided belief that there's a future between her and LW. She may read way too much into his agreeing to see her in person and take it as his being more interested than he's saying.

It's sad for Julie that she still has such strong feelings for LW, but that's not LW's problem to fix. He needs to respond to her email saying that he wishes her well but that he loves and is happy with his wife and family, and his past with Julie is exactly that - the past.

drunkenwitch · July 2020

Dear god, is the LW's spine constructed of warm jello? WTF does it mean "how do I tell her?" You are married with kids you moron, you tell Julie "I'm married with kids. No." BOOM!!

short+sassy · July 2020

Well that was unexpected for me! I started reading the letter and assumed the LW was single, but not feeling the same way. And then the "love my wife and kids" part came out of left field, lol.

Julie! Seriously. WTF? I assume she knew full well he's married and has kids when she sent her e-mail, so I'm not especially sympathetic that Julie needs to be handled like she's some fragile flower.

Yes, LW, it is perfectly appropriate...much better even...to send a reply back via e-mail. A kind and considerate reply, but short and with no room for interpretation. You don't owe her anything. Don't meet her in person for a lot of reasons, including she could construe it as "encouraging".

In addition when she replies back, and I suspect she will, ignore any further communication because your first reply will already be everything that needs to be said.

Tell Julie that you need to leave the past in the past.

Re: Tell Julie that you need to leave the past in the past.

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