Dear Prudence,
I am white and my boyfriend is Black. We have been together almost three years. He has been really struggling with anxiety and trauma from the pandemic (he has already lost a family member) and the recent murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and so many others. I try to support him as much as I can, but I also know that support and empathy are not the same as shared experience. He has mentioned wanting to pursue therapy a few times. He’s looked into low-cost, online options, but they’re out of his price range, even on a sliding scale. He does have health insurance, which could offset the costs, but he wants a person of color as a therapist since he’s particularly interested in talking about racial trauma and hasn’t been able to find in-network options. I’m currently unemployed after having been laid off due to the pandemic, but I have a lot in savings and could afford to pay for his therapy. I’d be happy to do it, but he doesn’t want me to. I also feel like paying for his therapy could make him feel pressured, even if that isn’t my intention. If he doesn’t like his therapist, for example, he might not be as honest about it as he would be if he were paying for therapy himself.
We have always shared expenses in our relationship and talk about money pretty regularly. I’ve occasionally paid for something on his behalf in the past, but nothing on this scale. He wants to be as financially self-sufficient as possible. Are there any free or low-cost resources we’re not thinking of? Is there another way I could offer to pay? Is it possible to pay for his therapy without him knowing?
—Want to Help