Wedding Woes

There's definitely more than 4 men, LW.

Dear Prudence,

My ex and I were together for nearly six years. We got engaged a year ago and, like many others, saw our wedding plans delayed by COVID-19. He was devastated, but I found myself somewhat relieved. I’m Black, and the pandemic, subsequent Black-led protests, and the racist backlash, along with some unrelated family issues, have been hard on my mental health. My partner’s white, and while he’s not racist, he tends to “move on” quickly after making decisions, and I don’t find much refuge in our partnership over such things.

For the last few years, he has had multiple unexpected medical emergencies, and I stuck through every one of them, even though they stressed me out as well. Recently, I let him know that I would like a month’s break from our relationship, just for a mental respite. I had hoped that he would want to be my friend during this time because we always talked about our relationship being so strong that it could survive anything. Instead, he flipped out and told me that he could not reconcile his romantic feelings for me and did not want to be my friend. He has since apologized but he did pack up and head to his parents’ house to “give me space.” Which was kind of the last thing I needed right now. When I called him out on leaving me during a mental health crisis, he insisted that his heart was in the right place when he left. However, I feel like he was taking a break from me by going to his parents. He also said that he “never would’ve left if [he] had known” that this would prompt a permanent end to our relationship. To me, that implies that he was leaving for his own purposes. He thought he could come back and everything would be fine after I got it out of my system. That’s why I’m sad.

Now I’m alone in our old apartment. He wants to come back, but I told him to stay with his parents because he didn’t give the appropriate response initially: He let me down. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or had a miscommunication with him during a stressful time. He now wants to see a couple’s therapist and is sorry about how he responded. But I don’t feel like being in a relationship right now, and I really wish he had wanted to be my friend when I had first asked. He’s trying now, but it feels disingenuous. Should I see the therapist with him, or is this a normal end to a relationship that’s not the best for me right now anyway?

—Broken Up or Not?

Re: There's definitely more than 4 men, LW.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 13
    Well then there's more than 4 women too.  

    LW should have taken the relief she felt from the canceled wedding and ran with that.  Clearly, she struggled with her partner's health issues and they didn't see eye to eye on social issues that are important to her.  Holding it over him or being all, "Well it stressed me out too," about it is not the sign of a healthy relationship.  

    Not wanting to live with her as friends is understandable.  If she didn't tell him she was having a mental health crisis when he decided to leave to give her space, then that's on LW.  

    From her perspective, they just don't sound very compatible.  LW has some things she needs to work out, because clearly projection and expecting him to understand things that may have been unspoken is something LW needs to work out on their own.  
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When I read the letter I was confused. What exactly did you want and expect LW? I would be so hurt if FI went from planning a wedding to “we need a break.” And then to react like that when he gave you the space you asked for? What exactly was your goal? 

  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Color me confused too.  Just going off of the letter, ending the relationship seems like the right move.  I do think it's unfair of LW to paint the boyfriend as the who had all of the missteps though. 
  • If you felt relief that your wedding was postponed, wouldn't you question if you wanted to marry that person at all?  But that's just me...

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    She told him she wanted space, he gave it to her, and now she's punishing him for not giving her the reaction she says she wanted. It's one of those mind-reading manipulation tests. Let him go, LW. 
  • You asked for space and your boyfriend gave it to you. I don't think it's fair to tell your partner, especially one that you're living with, that you need space but then expect them to stick around under the same roof and be your friend. And I don't see what the point of this break was if you still wanted him around all the time supporting you. 
  • Figure out if you want to stay with/marry this guy or if you don't.  But stop being such a jerk and leaving you both in perpetual limbo.

    He did nothing wrong!  He did EXACTLY what you wanted, but you're still mad.  He's apologized over and over and has encouraged couples counseling...even though he has nothing to apologize for...because he loves you and wants to work things out.  You're a total mindf**k, LW, not him.

    And if he was the one who wrote this letter from his perspective, I'd tell him to DTMFA.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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