Wedding Woes

Baby news may overshadow our day!

I need some advice and support! Backstory: My FH insisted we wait to get engaged until after his brother's wedding, so as not to steal their spotlight during their engagement etc. That wasn't a huge deal to me, our engagement came at a good time. However, we just found out his brother and his wife are having a baby - which is of course SO EXCITING. The bad news, their due date is the DAY BEFORE OUR WEDDING. His brother is of course his best man, and his wife is one of my bridesmaids. They lost their dad as teenagers and I know it is EXTREMELY important for my FH to have his brother there. I've already told my bridesmaid I completely understand if she doesn't want to be in the wedding party, and I'm equally supportive if she does - we will make it work! I'm freaking out though, that the baby will come the day before or the night before the wedding, and his best man won't be there. I know there is a good chance the baby could come before, or after, the wedding, but I can't stop the nagging feeling. I also am worried the pregnancy (a first for his mom's side of the family) could steal some of our spotlight. I feel terrible for feeling that way because I am so excited for them to become parents. Moving our date is out of the question as we've already got tons of the planning in motion and we've already waited until their entire engagement AND wedding was past to get engaged ourselves. 
How can I continue to plan and put the worry away? What kind of backup plans should we come up with? How do I accept the fact that my wedding may not go the way I plan? 

Re: Baby news may overshadow our day!

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I need some advice and support! Backstory: My FH insisted we wait to get engaged until after his brother's wedding, so as not to steal their spotlight during their engagement etc. That wasn't a huge deal to me, our engagement came at a good time. However, we just found out his brother and his wife are having a baby - which is of course SO EXCITING. The bad news, their due date is the DAY BEFORE OUR WEDDING. His brother is of course his best man, and his wife is one of my bridesmaids. They lost their dad as teenagers and I know it is EXTREMELY important for my FH to have his brother there. I've already told my bridesmaid I completely understand if she doesn't want to be in the wedding party, and I'm equally supportive if she does - we will make it work! I'm freaking out though, that the baby will come the day before or the night before the wedding, and his best man won't be there. I know there is a good chance the baby could come before, or after, the wedding, but I can't stop the nagging feeling. I also am worried the pregnancy (a first for his mom's side of the family) could steal some of our spotlight. I feel terrible for feeling that way because I am so excited for them to become parents. Moving our date is out of the question as we've already got tons of the planning in motion and we've already waited until their entire engagement AND wedding was past to get engaged ourselves. 
    How can I continue to plan and put the worry away? What kind of backup plans should we come up with? How do I accept the fact that my wedding may not go the way I plan? 
    Babies always trump weddings, so get that in your head now.  Have your pity party about being overshadowed (its ok to feel that way - just don't let anyone else, especially the new parents to be, hear about it).

    As for the wedding itself, you could still move it.  You should be able to move it without losing any deposits.  It is your best option to make sure everyone will be there.  Otherwise, your other option is to just roll with the punches as the time comes. 

    And start accepting the fact that your wedding won't go the way you plan.  This happens all the time!  You won't finish all your little projects or someone won't be able to attend, etc.

    Lastly, you should never let anyone else's life determine yours.  Its one thing if your FI was not ready to get engaged, but its another to wait until a sibling is married to get engaged for yourselves.  
    short+sassyaisfora86Jen4948
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I need some advice and support! Backstory: My FH insisted we wait to get engaged until after his brother's wedding, so as not to steal their spotlight during their engagement etc. That wasn't a huge deal to me, our engagement came at a good time. However, we just found out his brother and his wife are having a baby - which is of course SO EXCITING. The bad news, their due date is the DAY BEFORE OUR WEDDING. His brother is of course his best man, and his wife is one of my bridesmaids. They lost their dad as teenagers and I know it is EXTREMELY important for my FH to have his brother there. I've already told my bridesmaid I completely understand if she doesn't want to be in the wedding party, and I'm equally supportive if she does - we will make it work! I'm freaking out though, that the baby will come the day before or the night before the wedding, and his best man won't be there. I know there is a good chance the baby could come before, or after, the wedding, but I can't stop the nagging feeling. I also am worried the pregnancy (a first for his mom's side of the family) could steal some of our spotlight. I feel terrible for feeling that way because I am so excited for them to become parents. Moving our date is out of the question as we've already got tons of the planning in motion and we've already waited until their entire engagement AND wedding was past to get engaged ourselves. 
    How can I continue to plan and put the worry away? What kind of backup plans should we come up with? How do I accept the fact that my wedding may not go the way I plan? 
    Omg. No one has a “spotlight.” You didn’t have to put your life on hold for them, and they don’t need to put their life on hold for you. There’s a very likely chance that they won’t be at the wedding, especially if any travel is involved. You need to readjust your expectations for this event. 


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  • You're planning a wedding in a pandemic.  You're going to need to plan that they won't be there and logistically can't unless you move up your date.   They will most likely want to isolate as her due date approaches and your BIL attending a social event even if the baby is not yet born is ill advised.

    This is going to need to be something you come to terms with yourself and your FI.   Life is what happens while you make plans.  You can be sad but do not take this out on the expectant parents.  They have done nothing wrong. 
    STARMOON44mrsconn23
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You are worried about a baby stealing your spotlight. Seriously?

    Move your date or accept that they likely won't be there. There are no other options here. 
  • Assuming you all can't/won't move your date (which is totally fine), I'd also assume that neither the brother nor his wife will be at the wedding.  Plan for that and, if one/both can make it, extra nice!

    Some suggestions for still including them would be to Zoom the ceremony.  It would also be sweet to send your BM flowers...or maybe drop off the bouquet she would have carried...to arrive on your wedding day, with a note that you are thinking of her.

    I know you and your FI will be disappointed if they are not able to be there and I'm sure this couple will be disappointed also.  But it's not the end of the world.  These things happen all the time.  They will be with you all in spirit, if they can't be there in person.  And, on the bright side, there will be TWO happy events to celebrate in the family!
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  • I'd put it into the category of "We'll save two seats and a space for the baby carrier/stroller, get a bout and bouquet, if you can make it, wonderful, if you can't, no worries from our end!" and if they make it for even part of the day, great...  There are too many variables and flexibility will be the saving grace and from a Mom perspective, it's those little bits of humanity that are often so appreciated that no one thought were "big" in hindsight were huge!  Also, allow the Mom to wear whatever she's comfortable in because there are too many variables there too...  

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    short+sassy
  • The timing sucks because his brother in all reality will not be at the wedding - unless you move it up. But not because your spotlight will be stolen. It won't be. Trust me when I say everyone at the wedding will be looking at you. Period. 
    missJeanLouiseshort+sassyMesmrEwe
  • As someone who just had a baby I would strongly recommend planning on them not being there. She could go into labor early, she could need a csection or other interventions, she could still be pregnant and be incredibly uncomfortable. I can say I wouldn’t have wanted to be in a wedding the day after my due date, and I was super active all throughout my pregnancy. Even if the baby comes before or after I still wouldn’t plan on him being there- I was basically useless besides feeding the baby for the first week; my husband never would have chosen to go to a wedding even for his own brother when I was newly post partum. 

    If you want to keep the same date then plan on them not being there. Sure everyone’s pregnancy and delivery are different and maybe some miracle will happen where he/ they both can be there, but it’s unlikely. You definitely shouldn’t continue to put your lives on hold because of their lives either. 

    Also, unless she goes into labor in the middle of the wedding there’s no spotlight to steal. 

    Everyone at the wedding will be (at least during the ceremony) focused on you two. But really, at the reception people are never completely paying attention to the couple. They’re catching up with friends/family, they’re eating and drinking, they’re dancing. No ones focus is 100% on the couple at all times. So yes, people might be talking about the baby but that doesn’t mean they’re not also excited for you. 
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomJen4948MesmrEwe
  • As someone who just had a baby I would strongly recommend planning on them not being there. She could go into labor early, she could need a csection or other interventions, she could still be pregnant and be incredibly uncomfortable. I can say I wouldn’t have wanted to be in a wedding the day after my due date, and I was super active all throughout my pregnancy. Even if the baby comes before or after I still wouldn’t plan on him being there- I was basically useless besides feeding the baby for the first week; my husband never would have chosen to go to a wedding even for his own brother when I was newly post partum. 

    If you want to keep the same date then plan on them not being there. Sure everyone’s pregnancy and delivery are different and maybe some miracle will happen where he/ they both can be there, but it’s unlikely. You definitely shouldn’t continue to put your lives on hold because of their lives either. 

    Also, unless she goes into labor in the middle of the wedding there’s no spotlight to steal. 

    Everyone at the wedding will be (at least during the ceremony) focused on you two. But really, at the reception people are never completely paying attention to the couple. They’re catching up with friends/family, they’re eating and drinking, they’re dancing. No ones focus is 100% on the couple at all times. So yes, people might be talking about the baby but that doesn’t mean they’re not also excited for you. 
    Right! 

    Also, with Covid, many expectant parents I know isolate for at least the two weeks prior to their due date.   They do this so there are no issues with mom being able to be with baby in the hospital and for dad to be with his wife while she delivers.    Some hospitals aren't even allowing extra visitors so I can't imagine that your FMIL would be leaving your wedding even if the baby was born while you exchanged vows. 

    I've had two kids and if I was expecting a third I would try to isolate as much as possible w/ the H and my two kiddos before my due date and I have delivered on or a week after my due date.  

    Based on the timeline you're following you're going to have your wedding smack dab in the middle of cold/flu season and in the middle of a pandemic.   I get it - that's going to be hard to change when you want to tie the knot.   That said, I would absolutely not bring my kids into it.   I brought DS to a wedding when he was 5 weeks old 6 years ago.   He spent most of his time nursing on me and had some extra love w/ MIL, DH's cousin and his grandparents.   There was no pandemic and I wasn't going to let him get passed around.   He wasn't vaccinated and needed the protection of me and a nursing cover. 

    My H's cousin is getting married next May.   I can tell you that if we don't see massive improvements with community spread, disease mitigation and an actual reliable not-fast tracked by the POTUS vaccine we aren't going.   We'll love her but simply cannot take the health risk. 

    Your wedding is going to be fantastic but please understand that for many there are so many other issues that may prevent them from attending and mean they will love you and your FI from a distance. 
    charlotte989875short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I went to my brother's wedding last fall, but the baby was 9 days old at that point and I had an easy vaginal delivery. Any closer to his birth, or if I had had a c-section (or if COVID had been a thing) - we would not have gone. My brother was prepared for that.

    And yes, people noticed and were excited that the baby was there, but it was still very much his and his wife's wedding day.
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • This couple won't be there in all likelihood. First babies are usually late, so she will still be pregnant, but she will be very uncomfortable at that point.

    If you want them there, postpone the wedding by a month, or move it up two months. That should allow plenty of room.
  • maine7mob said:
    This couple won't be there in all likelihood. First babies are usually late, so she will still be pregnant, but she will be very uncomfortable at that point.

    If you want them there, postpone the wedding by a month, or move it up two months. That should allow plenty of room.
    This is really going to be your best bet.   IMO, postponing by a month could mean that they have a 2 week old.  I felt SO much different after my 2nd than my first but there was no way I wanted to leave my home 2 weeks PP.   And in addition to that, I didn't give birth in a pandemic.    I cannot imagine bringing an unvaccinated infant out to a social event like a wedding during this time and this does not mean that all parents of newborns feel the same way however many do and are told to be careful about events.  If seeing both the SIL and BIL at the wedding takes priority then plan it for when she's 32 weeks and not 40 weeks. 
    charlotte989875levioosaflantasticmrsconn23
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