Guests not bringing gifts/inconsiderate behavior?

Layton-Bourgeois · June 2017

So I was under the impression that if you were invited to a wedding and you are able to come, you are obligated to bring a gift, and at least a card/cash gift. I only found out very recently that guests who are unable to attend should consider sending a gift, but I have always believed that attending a wedding warranted a gift; after all, the couple went to all the trouble of planning a wedding and nice meal/reception, so you should return the favor by giving a gift they have requested.

My husband and I had several guests at our wedding recently whose gifts are unaccounted for, and we did not lose any or miscount. And I am not talking about one or two guests, nor did they "simply forget", we had nearly a dozen guests (out of about 120) who indicated they would attend (and they did), but brought no gift, and not even a card. Nor did they send a cash/check, or online registry have shipped to us.

On a separate note, we had several more guests indicate they would attend, but on wedding day they were nowhere to be found, without even having heard so much as a peep that they could no longer attend, and many of these guests were people who did not respond until the last minute for us, well after their schedules should have been finalized.

I personally find this very offensive and inconsiderate. While I can understand forgetting about a gift or the wedding, the number of guests without any gift is unbelievably high. Am I wrong for feeling slighted by this or am I overreacting?

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2017

According to etiquette, you shouldn't expect gifts. That being said, I have never attended a wedding without giving a gift. I usual send a gift even if I can't attend. It also depends on your age/circumstance. Often younger people can't afford to attend an OOT wedding and send a gift. Wouldn't you rather have your friends there than not just because they couldn't afford a gift. Destination weddings are also expensive, so if you had one of those maybe your guests couldn't afford both the wedding and a gift. I understand your feelings but there is really nothing to be done.

As for the guests who didn't come after saying they would. Maybe an emergency came up. Yes they should have contacted you to apologize for not being there (after the emergency resolved). I know someone who didn't attend DD's wedding had a family emergency. I knew there was a health issue so I sent an email enquiring about them and telling them we missed them. These are good friends so I wanted to make sure a death hadn't occurred. If they just decided not to come, that is rude. Again, nothing you can do about it though.

lyndausvi · June 2017

Well you would be under the wrong impression. While it's traditional to give gifts, they are NEVER to be expected.

We had a few guest who didn't give us a gift. Including my brother, his brother and his mom. Oh well. We were surprised, but were not offended or cut off ties with them. Our wedding was OOT for everyone, so they had their own costs too.

No shows are a part of planning any event. It sucks, but life happens. We had 4 ourselves. Again, we didn't cut ties with any of them.

Be miffed for a little bit, but then just let it go.

geebee908 · June 2017

Layton-Bourgeois said:

So I was under the impression that if you were invited to a wedding and you are able to come, you are obligated to bring a gift, and at least a card/cash gift. I only found out very recently that guests who are unable to attend should consider sending a gift, but I have always believed that attending a wedding warranted a gift; after all, the couple went to all the trouble of planning a wedding and nice meal/reception, so you should return the favor by giving a gift they have requested.

My husband and I had several guests at our wedding recently whose gifts are unaccounted for, and we did not lose any or miscount. And I am not talking about one or two guests, nor did they "simply forget", we had nearly a dozen guests (out of about 120) who indicated they would attend (and they did), but brought no gift, and not even a card. Nor did they send a cash/check, or online registry have shipped to us.

On a separate note, we had several more guests indicate they would attend, but on wedding day they were nowhere to be found, without even having heard so much as a peep that they could no longer attend, and many of these guests were people who did not respond until the last minute for us, well after their schedules should have been finalized.

I personally find this very offensive and inconsiderate. While I can understand forgetting about a gift or the wedding, the number of guests without any gift is unbelievably high. Am I wrong for feeling slighted by this or am I overreacting?

No one is obligated to give a gift for any occasion, which is why you should be giving those who did give gifts a sincere and timely thank-you note. So, no, you shouldn't feel slighted because you aren't owed a gift.

On the no-shows, that is inconsiderate behavior and I would be annoyed by it, but there isn't really anything to be done about it, so feel what you feel and move on.

lyndausvi · June 2017

scribe95 said:

This is one of those weird ones. No technical obligation or expectation. But I think it's common practice to bring a gift and I would never attend without doing so.

Having said that, these are supposed to be important people to you and you sound pretty petty complaining about not getting a gift. Also, by etiquette, people have up to 1 year to send a gift. I got one about eight months later.

me too! The couple's wife's mother died a few days before my wedding. They still attend my OOT wedding. In all the commotion they forgot. Then it got put off. A year or so later a nice check showed up in the mail. What a nice surprise.

We were OOT and then went on a 3 week HM. When we got home there were a few checks and gifts in the mail waiting for us.

kahluakoala · June 2017

While I couldn't imagine *any* good excuse to attend a wedding without so much as even a card of well wishes, and I absolutely think it's in poor taste, technically a gift is not required.

And I mean, feel annoyed all you want, but are you going to end a friendship over this? I wouldn't, but feel free to vent away.

lovesclimbing · June 2017

Layton-Bourgeois said:

So I was under the impression that if you were invited to a wedding and you are able to come, you are obligated to bring a gift, and at least a card/cash gift. I only found out very recently that guests who are unable to attend should consider sending a gift, but I have always believed that attending a wedding warranted a gift; after all, the couple went to all the trouble of planning a wedding and nice meal/reception, so you should return the favor by giving a gift they have requested.

My husband and I had several guests at our wedding recently whose gifts are unaccounted for, and we did not lose any or miscount. And I am not talking about one or two guests, nor did they "simply forget", we had nearly a dozen guests (out of about 120) who indicated they would attend (and they did), but brought no gift, and not even a card. Nor did they send a cash/check, or online registry have shipped to us.

On a separate note, we had several more guests indicate they would attend, but on wedding day they were nowhere to be found, without even having heard so much as a peep that they could no longer attend, and many of these guests were people who did not respond until the last minute for us, well after their schedules should have been finalized.

I personally find this very offensive and inconsiderate. While I can understand forgetting about a gift or the wedding, the number of guests without any gift is unbelievably high. Am I wrong for feeling slighted by this or am I overreacting?

Yes and no.

Yes, you are wrong to feel slighted by people not bringing a gift. Your impression that people are obligated to bring a gift if they attend is incorrect. While yes, most people do give gifts and as Miss Manners says, typically people do follow that social convention, not because they are required but because they care about the couple, it is not required. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-dont-fall-victim-to-wedding-gift-extortion/2011/09/01/gIQAf9ADgK_story.html?utm_term=.fd7a3a516821

Perhaps they haven't gotten around to sending one but will soon. Perhaps they can't afford one. Perhaps they simply forgot. Perhaps they just didn't. In any case, even if a gift was required, there is no polite way to ask people for a gift or why they didn't give you one.

No, you are not wrong to feel slighted and offended that people no-showed to your wedding. Barring a horrendous accident or perhaps a death in the family (and even then, is a quick call, text or email that difficult?) there is no reason people should simply not show up to something they said they would attend. It was very rude of them. You could always call them and ask, "We noticed you weren't at our wedding? We were worried that something had gone wrong. Are you alright?" That gets across, I think, that they should have notified you if they were unable to attend.

https://www.google.com/amp/www.spokesman.com/stories/2010/aug/25/no-show-to-dinner-should-apologize/?amp-content=amp

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2017

Good call @lyndausvi and @scribe95, I totally forgot about the 1 year rule to give gifts. OP, remember this does not mean you have a year to do thank you notes though. Many people confuse that rule!

thisismynickname2 · June 2017

Layton-Bourgeois said:

but I have always believed that attending a wedding warranted a gift; after all, the couple went to all the trouble of planning a wedding and nice meal/reception, so you should return the favor by giving a gift they have requested.

No. Just no.

GIFT: noun

1.

something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.

2.

the act of giving

3.

something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned:

holyguacamole79 · June 2017

Go enjoy your marriage!!

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

Yes. You are wrong to feel slighted about the gifts. You are justified in being annoyed with no shows.

You should never expect presents, whether for a birthday, a graduation or a wedding. If you get a gift, you should graciously receive it and write a thank you note within a couple weeks. Those are the only etiquette rules for hosts.

It IS rude of people to RSVP yes and then no show without explanation. If there's no good reason for it (e.g. an emergency or other event), its incredible inconsiderate. However, you should give people the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully everything is ok. That's where your mind should first go - especially if they're your family/friends.

Jen4948 · June 2017

Well, it is rude of people to accept your invitation and no-show. But the only thing you can do about it is to let it go.

As gifts go, it's never appropriate to expect gifts for any occasion, so again, if someone attended your wedding without giving you a gift, again, you need to let it go.

That said, etiquette does allow guests to send gifts within one year of attending a wedding, so guests who haven't given you wedding gifts thus far have until your one-year anniversary to do so, assuming that they plan to. But it would not be polite of you to bring it up to any of your guests from whom you have not as yet received gifts.

JediElizabeth · June 2017

No, you are not entitled to a gift from anyone.

I had plenty of people who didn't give me gifts. People who flew across the country or from overseas, people who didn't have a lot of money, and I'm sure a couple of others. I didn't compare my gift list to my invitation gift, so I don't know.

You come off as very greedy here. I'd avoid bringing up these thoughts to anyone you're close to, as it will probably put a bad taste in their mouths, as it has mine.

(FWIW, I agree about the no-shows, but that's just something that happens.)

beachwedding2017 · June 2017

Your post comes off as very selfish and greedy. No one should ever be expected to give a gift to any event. Guests should only be expected to show up in proper attire.
People not showing up is rude, however emergencies come up. I'm sure they didn't want to bother you on your day. I can't imagine texting or calling someone on their wedding day to tell them I couldn't go anymore. I'd save that for a different day
I'd consider changing your username as it suggests it could be last names. You never know friends or acquaintances could be on here and you may offend someone who came to your wedding. If I was a guest and caught wind of this post, gift or not, I'd be disgusted and would probably end our friendship.

Subwayloves · June 2017

We had about 140 people at our wedding, 10-15 of which did not give us a gift or card. A few I completely understood, a few I was a little confused by, but it's whatever. Would never bring it up to them, and wouldn't let it effect any kind of relationship. It is NOT mandatory to give a gift.

We had 4 no call no shows. One was sick, ones mom died the day before. Both completely understandable. The last 2 were a couple we were college friends with, who we did not get an RSVP from, so texted and said they would for sure be there. They didn't come, and posted a status on Facebook that night that they were out to local sushi restaurant. Never heard a congrats, sorry we didn't make it, actually haven't heard a word from them since, and honestly have no desire to get in contact.

In short- no gift/card=get over it. No show, legitimate reason=get over it. No show, no excuse, no contact=relationship ending (in my opinion!), or at least a conversation about why you're upset if you want to continue the relationship.

levioosa · June 2017

Is this MUD?

No, you are not entitled to a gift. You made the CHOICE to have a big fancy party. People are not obligated to attend your party, or give you a gift. You sound incredibly petty and selfish. The no-shows were rude, but you need to stop dwelling on it.

ei34 · June 2017

Layton-Bourgeois said:

after all, the couple went to all the trouble of planning a wedding and nice meal/reception, so you should return the favor by giving a gift they have requested.

Technically, the "trouble" the couple goes through planning a nice reception is a thank you to the guests for attending the ceremony. It's actually you kind of giving the guests a gift of a meal, since they've given you the gift of their time.

H and I had a couple of guests not give gifts- no biggie. PP are correct that they're not required. No shows would annoy me more, but it's something you've got to just let go.

charlotte989875 · June 2017

I think this stuff happens at every wedding, be annoyed about the no shows and move on.

downtondiva · June 2017

While the best practice, in my opinion, is to bring/send a gift when you attend a wedding, it is not actually against etiquette not to do so. Gifts are a sign of love and support for the couple, not a payback for the reception. You need to let this go and stop obsessing over the many ways someone could've given you a gift and didn't.

As for the no-shows, I totally understand why you're bothered by it. That said, there isn't really much you can do about this. The only way to address it is to say something along the lines of, "We missed you at the wedding, is everything okay?" And I'd only do that with people you're very close to that unexpectedly didn't show up, and make sure you can calmly handle whatever answer they give you. Otherwise, you need to accept that this kind of crap is inevitable with weddings and move on.

knottiea9e35bde57964401 · September 2020

I've noticed a trend in these parts where commenters love to discuss how the bride "SHOULD" feel. But feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. You don't have to agree with it, but she has a right to feel however she feels. And yeah, maybe she isn't OWED a gift, but there's nothing wrong with how she feels

knottiea9e35bde57964401 · September 2020

If you make a commitment to attend something, you honor that commitment, period. It's also not petty or selfish to hope that guests would show gratitude for you spending hundreds of dollars on them just to be there.

knottiea9e35bde57964401 · September 2020

The whole reception is a gift to the guests that typically cost the couple thousands of dollars just to give. The least guests can do is show gratitude by giving the hosts a small token of appreciation.

knottiea9e35bde57964401 · September 2020

Guests are already compensated by having a free meal and music. Let's not act like guests are making SUCH saintly sacrifices by being included in a momentous celebration; they wouldn't be here if they didn't want to, and if they really didn't want to, they made a bad decision.

MairePoppy · September 2020

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