Wedding Woes

Classic Prudie: Team Son. Fuck grandma.

My mother has always had an unreasonable dislike for excess weight. She hardly eats and harangues her daughters and daughters-in-law each time they have a baby to lose the weight immediately. Three years ago, my eldest son brought home his bride-to-be, a sweet, lovely, voluptuous girl. My wife and I loved her instantly, but we worried about my mother’s reaction. Sure enough, she made some comments, to which my son calmly replied that if she was not polite to his beloved, she would not be invited to the wedding. My mother was furious, and my son ended up having a destination wedding to avoid the drama. Though we see my son and DIL regularly, he has not spoken to his grandmother since. They spend holidays with my DIL’s family. My mother will not promise to hold her tongue about my DIL’s “horrid fat.” In desperation, I at one point offered to pay for a personal trainer or even gastric bypass, but that only led to a huge argument with my son. Now, my mother has cancer and just months to live. I would love to have one final family gathering with every member in attendance, but my son will not attend without his wife, and he will not bring her if it means she will be subjected to unkind comments. I can’t persuade my mother to change her ways, but is there something I could say to my son to convince him to suck it up this once for the sake of family harmony and good memories?

Re: Classic Prudie: Team Son. Fuck grandma.

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Holy shit LW. Stop acting so high and mighty because you are just about as bad as your mother. Telling someone to get a trainer and gastric bypass? Holy shit. I guarantee the son does not have a solid relationship with you. 

  • If someone insults my partner in a way as horrible as this, they are no longer my family.  LW has no reason to expect his/her son to go visit someone who said these things.  This might have caused major mental trauma - the grandmother doesn't know if her granddaugher-in-law has body image issues, and her comments could cause huge damage.  They would cause damage to people who don't have body image issues!  How have people been accepting this behaviour this whole time?  I'm worried for the daughters and daughters-in-law.  And is it only the women?  What about "excess fat" on men?  

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 10
    Here is what I am inferring from the letter that makes it even more outrageous.  Grandma is on her death bed.  And she STILL won't promise not to make rude comments to the DIL.  There is no reason for Grandma to be unkind to this woman.  But apparently she is just such a rude, hateful bitch that she can't help herself, smh.

    I don't know what the LW doesn't understand about that.  Why would they want the son and the DIL they seem to like have these last memories of Grandma being so negative and upsetting.  If the LW is a woman, then she was harangued by the mother whenever she was pregnant so, she knows.  If LW is a man, it's even worse.  Because he let his mother harangue his wife after she gave birth and apparently expects his son to be the same awful husband.
    Yes, it's all so, so dark and LW is only concerned with the optics of their son deigning not to give his hateful, terrible grandma the time of day...even on her death bed. 

    LW seems to be worried about appearances, huh.  Interesting. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I hope Prudie read LW for filth. 

  • 10000% on the son's side here. LW has a lot of nerve expecting their son to subject his wife to cruelty. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Fuck grandma and fuck LW. 

    This "for the sake of family harmony" bullshit makes me livid. That's the same bullshit my mother pulls when she wants me to hang around with my racist aunt. (I do not and I read mom the riot act on that one.) 

    I can see why they spend holidays with DIL's family. LW is luck they haven't gone completely no contact. 
  • VarunaTT said:
    LW could stand to learn about how to handle toxic relationships from his son, b/c son is absolutely right.

    Centering myself once again, but LW is absolutely like my former MIL with this "family is the bestest and you have to do everything for it, including make them put themselves in terrible positions they hate".  One of the things I thought when I moved into my own apartment is, "I never have to see or speak to "former MIL's name" again in my life."  That was a very specific weightload off of me and I am smiling about it even right now.
    OMG, yes!  I had a somewhat similar experience, though not nearly as serious because I wasn't married or living with the guy.  I had an ex-b/f that I saw marriage plans with.  I was devastated when he broke up with me after two years without much of an explanation.  His mother was an awful, toxic person and I think her bad feelings about me was a factor in the break-up.  Why didn't she like me?  She didn't like any of his girlfriends.  We "stole" his time away from her.

    The same night as the breakup, I was crying my eyes out for hours.  Then the thought struck me.  I would never have to see or even speak to that woman ever again.  A big smile came across my face through the tears and a feeling of pure joy briefly filled my chest.  I was still sad and devastated for a good while.
    But knowing I would never be subjected again to her negativity and derogatory comments was a good silver lining.  

    He and I lost touch over a decade ago.  But I ran into one of his friends a few years ago.  That guy told me my ex had gotten married and he and his wife had recently had a baby.  I would love to have had a conversation with his wife and ask her about the relationship she has with her MIL, lol.  Is she a big problem in your marriage like I always pictured she would be?  Does she hate you also (I know she did/does)?  Or, now that you've given her a grandbaby, you're suddenly great?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Not all grandparents are Norman Rockwell paintings, some grandparents are toxic, some are abusive, some are assholes, some are all fucking three.  When my maternal grandparents died (separately about 20 years apart) I did not mourn them because I had spent way too many miserable summers at their house from 2 to 14 years old.  I felt sad for my mom because she was grieving but I can honestly say I did not feel sad for the loss.  They were not good people, they were not kind people, and they certainly weren't the grandparents that exist on our cultural grandparent pedestal.  

    I have been in that son's shoes, the DIL wasn't the reason he cut off grandma, the DIL was the final straw that made him finally cut off grandma after a lifetime of her bullshit and his parents doing nothing to protect him, instead they forced him to hang out with an abusive harpy.  I laughed when I read the "happy family memories" part, because I highly doubt son has any happy memories of his grandma. 

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    LW, actions have consequences, and the consequences of your mother's rudeness to your son and daughter-in-law are being excluded from their wedding and their lives.

    You actually offered to pay for a personal trainer or even gastric bypass for your daughter-in-law just so she doesn't have to put up with your mother's bullshit??????? Since when is what she weighs or looks like anyone's business but her own? And you think that after that she wants to spend time at your mother's bedside?

    Dying of cancer doesn't excuse how badly she crossed the line -- or you crossed it. Nor does it mean that everyone your mother has been rude to needs to look the other way. As tragic as this is for you, she earned the right to be completely abandoned by the people she should have treated with love and respect in her final moments. 
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