Dear Prudence,
I am a 43-year-old man, married with three kids. I’ve been a minister in the United Methodist Church for 20 years, and I was raised in a very conservative home. I had no idea that coming out was even possible when I was a child. When I went to college, I saw many others come out, but I knew I would lose my family if I tried it. Before we got married, I told my wife about my orientation, and she was willing to give things a shot anyway. Even after 20 years of marriage, I feel like I wake up every morning and live a lie. Last year the UMC ruled that clergy who are even simply attracted to the same sex are not welcome. This is the church that raised and shaped me. I knew I had to do something and told my wife, who agreed that it was time for me to be me, whatever that meant for us as a couple, and no matter how hard it might be. Oddly enough, my daughter came out at the same time (we reassured her that she is surrounded and loved just as much as ever). I left my ministry in the summer and have gone back to school. I’ve also told several close friends and have started counseling. At some point my family is going to need to find out. But I’m so afraid of being cut off forever. My counselor has helped me to realize how unhealthy my upbringing was, but that desire for connection, that desire to be loved and accepted by Mom and Dad is still there. Do I just rip the Band-Aid off, or do I continue to pretend until they pass (which could be today or 25 years from now)?