I think you’re being too hard on yourself

Re: I think you’re being too hard on yourself

• charlotte989875 member

  

  October 2020

  Do you treat the child with respect? Would you show them stability, care, & look out for their well being? I don’t think you have to love their child if you’re committed to tearing them well, being a good person in their life, and showing up for them. If you’re not willing to do those things then you shouldn’t propose- you don’t have to love the kid but you can’t do anything that will detract from their life either. 

  Report6 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  October 2020

  If you can’t love stepchild with your head and heart, can you love with your hands and feet? Can you care for them and prioritize them and support your spouse in parenting?

  Report3 Reply
• short+sassy member

  

  October 2020

  It goes a long way for me that the LW likes this child and gets along with them great.  I assume while "deep down" they do not love this child, they still care about this child.  Also very important.  They sound like they are a positive influence in this child's life and I think that is what matters most.
  
  There was a little boy I tangentially knew and my heart just broke for him.  He was a close friend's stepson.  His mother had signed away her parental rights when he was 2 and did not have a relationship with him.  My friend was the primary caregiver for him from 4-6 years old, while she was married to his father.  Unfortunately, it was a bad marriage almost from day one.
  
  During their divorce, I was concerned for my friend that the father would keep her from seeing him and I asked her about this.  My friend is usually an especially loving and caring person, so it absolutely shocked me to my core when she said she had no intention of keeping in touch with this little boy.  That was her H's son, his problem, and she didn't see want to see either one of them again.  My impression is she was at least a loving and caring person for this boy while he was in her life and I thought she maybe said it out of anger.  But no.  She walked away from that little boy without a care and I forever lost some respect for her.   I wouldn't have blamed her for not fighting for him, if her ex wouldn't have let her see him.  Legally, that would have been fruitless.  But to not want to see him...even for a little while to help the transition...just made me sad for him.  He'd had so much rejection in his short life.

  

  Report0 Reply
• MyNameIsNot member

  

  October 2020

  short+sassy said:

  It goes a long way for me that the LW likes this child and gets along with them great.  I assume while "deep down" they do not love this child, they still care about this child.  Also very important.  They sound like they are a positive influence in this child's life and I think that is what matters most.
  
  There was a little boy I tangentially knew and my heart just broke for him.  He was a close friend's stepson.  His mother had signed away her parental rights when he was 2 and did not have a relationship with him.  My friend was the primary caregiver for him from 4-6 years old, while she was married to his father.  Unfortunately, it was a bad marriage almost from day one.
  
  During their divorce, I was concerned for my friend that the father would keep her from seeing him and I asked her about this.  My friend is usually an especially loving and caring person, so it absolutely shocked me to my core when she said she had no intention of keeping in touch with this little boy.  That was her H's son, his problem, and she didn't see want to see either one of them again.  My impression is she was at least a loving and caring person for this boy while he was in her life and I thought she maybe said it out of anger.  But no.  She walked away from that little boy without a care and I forever lost some respect for her.   I wouldn't have blamed her for not fighting for him, if her ex wouldn't have let her see him.  Legally, that would have been fruitless.  But to not want to see him...even for a little while to help the transition...just made me sad for him.  He'd had so much rejection in his short life.

  That is so heartbreaking. I would lose some respect for her to. It might be really sad, but you know it's a thousand times harder on the kid.
  
  I have one of my cousins because of a situation like that. His mother is a pile of shit. His father sucks pretty bad too, but father was with my aunt for a period of time. My aunt held onto the father for a lot longer than she should have because of the kid. She finally left when he was in high school, but when he turned 18 he wound up moving out to her state. He's like 25, doing well, and now calls her mom (and therefore the rest of us cousins). He would probably have turned out a pile of shit like his parents if not for his amazing step mom. 

  Report4 Reply
• Jstump2 member

  

  October 2020

  @MyNameIsNot I have a co-worker currently in a similar situation the little girl is now 11 and my cw has been in her life since she was 3. Mom is a pos and not in her life and dad is- not great. My cw would have left him already but she is hanging on because of the little girl. She refuses to marry him unless he "changes" but knows she will most likely not be able to see her "daughter" if they break up. It's insane she does everything for this little girl and her dad does NOTHING, my cw is essentially her mom but would have no legal ties if they break up.
  

  Report2 Reply