You have massive communication problems.

mrsconn23 · October 2020

Dear Prudence,

My husband invited out-of-town friends, including their high school– and college-age daughters, over to our house. I understand wanting to see people, so we talked about safety and landed on a two-hour outdoor dinner. When I found out he was also meeting them for another activity, I said I really didn’t think the dinner was a good idea. He insisted. I said I really didn’t think I could participate, as the risk was too high.

When I told him again an hour before the dinner that I was not going to be there, he became very upset, actually saying, “I am begging you to be here.” I felt bad but felt they would have a nice time without me. I really wanted him to respect my fears and let me do what I needed to for my own peace of mind. He blew up and said I was betraying him and threatened divorce. I left the house and returned 25 minutes after they should have departed. I texted my husband, “Maybe you lost track of time. It’s 7:25.” No response. At 7:30 I called him and asked if he got the text, as it was getting late. One word reply: “Yep.” I said I would like to come home. “OK.” I asked when I can come home, and he hung up. Should I just have gone to dinner with them? How do you set boundaries?

—Stalking My Own Home

charlotte989875 · October 2020

There’s too much wrong here.

First, you need to be on the same page with pandemic bubbles and you’re clearly not. If you’re in the same house one person can’t unilaterally decide what you’re okay with risk wise.

Two, threatening divorce is never okay. He never should have yelled & threatened you.

Third, leaving to cool down is fine but then then texting him if he’s there and calling when you know he was at dinner is childish.

Y’all have a lot of issues here and communication is just the beginning.

CharmedPam · October 2020

The whole “divorce” threat jumped out at me. Does he do that often when things don’t go his way?

mrsconn23 · October 2020

CharmedPam said:

The whole “divorce” threat jumped out at me. Does he do that often when things don’t go his way?

Right? I'd bet as much, because he didn't listen to LW and when LW put their foot down, he tried to wheedle and guilt them. When LW didn't budge, he lost his shit. I wonder how many times that has played out in other situations.

VarunaTT · October 2020

I'm confused about what happened here re: where/when activities were.

That aside, his threatening is not okay. His ignoring of your very real fears and concerns is not okay either. Him feeling betrayed b/c of this is not okay either. I'm curious as to how long LW has lived with this sort of behavior b/c honestly, it's either therapy or damn close to a dealbreaker, for me. None of this was okay for LW to endure.

banana468 · October 2020

So much is wrong here. You don't play the divorce card because you aren't getting your way.

But I'm not understanding the get together for one activity and then dinner and why that's not OK if they're in the same bubble already.

LW needs to use words but also needs to assert that they are able to be in their own home. This territorial domination is so off.

MissKittyDanger · October 2020

I'm assuming this is recent and the mention about risk is regarding the pandemic and exposure.
LW is right to want to protect themselves, and spouse is douche for pulling the divorce card because LW didn't abide what they wanted.

Wtf

Jen4948 · October 2020

I think you need to put your foot down and tell your husband that throwing temper tantrums, sulking, and threatening divorce whenever you have a disagreement brings you one step closer to actually divorcing him and he needs to stop it NOW.

But as for getting together and dinner, especially if you're in the same pod, is there room for some compromise? I agree with the desire to protect yourself, but is it really that risky to go to dinner if they take appropriate precautions with the other activity?

short+sassy · October 2020

banana468 said:

So much is wrong here. You don't play the divorce card because you aren't getting your way.

But I'm not understanding the get together for one activity and then dinner and why that's not OK if they're in the same bubble already.

LW needs to use words but also needs to assert that they are able to be in their own home. This territorial domination is so off.

This is the part I'm not understanding at all. The LW already agreed to have an outdoor dinner with all of these people. So what difference does it make if they all go somewhere else first. Maybe it's the "where". But she didn't tell us what that event was, which leads me to believe the "where" is not a factor.

For what it's worth, I would NEVER have agreed to being around all those people. Especially teenagers and college kids. Sorry to those groups but, as a whole, they've been more lackadaisical with social distancing. And if my H insisted on seeing them, I would have done my best to stay in a different part of the house or stay somewhere else all together for two weeks afterward.

But the most concerning part of the letter is the H threatening divorce. Especially over something so minor. I'm also wondering if this is his ultimatum of choice when he doesn't get his way. It was also rude of him to ignore her texts. He knows she left the house so he could hang out with his friends and that she was just checking if it was safe for her to come back.

banana468 · October 2020

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

So much is wrong here. You don't play the divorce card because you aren't getting your way.

But I'm not understanding the get together for one activity and then dinner and why that's not OK if they're in the same bubble already.

LW needs to use words but also needs to assert that they are able to be in their own home. This territorial domination is so off.

This is the part I'm not understanding at all. The LW already agreed to have an outdoor dinner with all of these people. So what difference does it make if they all go somewhere else first. Maybe it's the "where". But she didn't tell us what that event was, which leads me to believe the "where" is not a factor.

For what it's worth, I would NEVER have agreed to being around all those people. Especially teenagers and college kids. Sorry to those groups but, as a whole, they've been more lackadaisical with social distancing. And if my H insisted on seeing them, I would have done my best to stay in a different part of the house or stay somewhere else all together for two weeks afterward.

But the most concerning part of the letter is the H threatening divorce. Especially over something so minor. I'm also wondering if this is his ultimatum of choice when he doesn't get his way. It was also rude of him to ignore her texts. He knows she left the house so he could hang out with his friends and that she was just checking if it was safe for her to come back.

Oh I totally agree.

Our town is spiking in cases and a lot of them are pointed at the gatherings of teens and young adults. They're invincible you know.

But the H's reaction is beyond off it makes me wonder what kind of a gaslighting narcissist he is.

MyNameIsNot · October 2020

Seems like divorce might be best. These people cannot communicate with each other, and it doesn't sound like they respect each other. At least, he doesn't respect her. Plus, they're both kind of ridiculous for different reasons.

LW calls these "out-of-town friends." I read this as she's not wanting to include these people in their pod, while he does. It doesn't work that way. You're in a pod with everyone else who your pod is podding with. You can't live with someone and be in a different pod!

Who hosts a two-hour dinner expecting it to end at 7. Does she think he's going to just get up at 7:01 and kick these people out of the yard?

banana468 · October 2020

MyNameIsNot said:

Seems like divorce might be best. These people cannot communicate with each other, and it doesn't sound like they respect each other. At least, he doesn't respect her. Plus, they're both kind of ridiculous for different reasons.

LW calls these "out-of-town friends." I read this as she's not wanting to include these people in their pod, while he does. It doesn't work that way. You're in a pod with everyone else who your pod is podding with. You can't live with someone and be in a different pod!

Who hosts a two-hour dinner expecting it to end at 7. Does she think he's going to just get up at 7:01 and kick these people out of the yard?

Right? And does she think that she's not exposed if she didn't attend but he did?

They both seem to be operating in their own realities and neither of them are really compatible with each other.

You have massive communication problems.

Re: You have massive communication problems.

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