What should I do about my Maid of Honor

knottiec4289c3c3571bd12 · October 2020

So my wedding is in November of 2021 and we got engaged February of this year. My cousin, who is 19, is my maid of honor because growing up together, we always talked about how we would be each other’s maid of honor. Well, she’s been acting crazy this whole year and I’m not sure what to do. First of all, she hasn’t helped me with any wedding planning or offered to, hasn’t asked me anything about my wedding at all actually. I’ve probably seen her twice in the past 9 months and they were brief visits. She is away at college right now partying it up and pushing family away and prioritizing her friends. I don’t feel she can handle the responsibilities a maid of honor has and I would honestly rather one of my bridesmaids take over. I’m not sure how to address it with my cousin that I kind of want her to step down. Should I let her keep the title since it’s what we always talked about, but just let my bridesmaids help with planning and such? Or should I actually address it and ask her to step down and list out the reasons why? Thanks for any advice!!

banana468 · October 2020

knottiec4289c3c3571bd12 said:

So my wedding is in November of 2021 and we got engaged February of this year. My cousin, who is 19, is my maid of honor because growing up together, we always talked about how we would be each other’s maid of honor. Well, she’s been acting crazy this whole year and I’m not sure what to do. First of all, she hasn’t helped me with any wedding planning or offered to, hasn’t asked me anything about my wedding at all actually. I’ve probably seen her twice in the past 9 months and they were brief visits. She is away at college right now partying it up and pushing family away and prioritizing her friends. I don’t feel she can handle the responsibilities a maid of honor has and I would honestly rather one of my bridesmaids take over. I’m not sure how to address it with my cousin that I kind of want her to step down. Should I let her keep the title since it’s what we always talked about, but just let my bridesmaids help with planning and such? Or should I actually address it and ask her to step down and list out the reasons why? Thanks for any advice!!

Your cousin is not supposed to help you with wedding planning. That's YOUR wedding to plan.

I have a feeling that your perception of the responsibilities of MOH are things you see in movies or that are drummed up in bridal magazines but the reality is that a 19 yo is supposed to show up on your wedding day in the agreed upon attire on time, hold your bouquet, fluff your train and sign a marriage license.

Also, your wedding is over a year away. There's almost nothing to do at this point from a MOH.

Should your MOH want to be involved in doing things for the wedding then those wouldn't happen until next summer at the very earliest and because she's 19 those are things that should have your expectations well in-check. By that I mean many bridal parties throw showers and at 19 I had nowhere near the time or finances to throw a party. I also lacked the same for a bachelorette party.

If your cousin is away at college and prioritizing the friends she has she's doing the VERY NORMAL thing of a student studying away. The only big concern I have with any of that is that partying it up during an international pandemic is risky. It has zero to do with your wedding.

Ditto for seeing your cousin over the last 9 months. I've only seen my parents 3 times in the last 9 months. It has SUCKED but we have maintained that because of how difficult it is to see people outside our bubbles in a pandemic.

Remember, your wedding is YOURS and YOUR FIANCE'S to plan. It's over a year away and your bridal party has NO OBLIGATION to help you plan. At this point, you have limited things to do too AND remember that many are going to be prioritizing health and safety over wedding planning.

MyNameIsNot · October 2020

She's not doing anything wrong. Your expectations are ridiculous. She is a 19 year old college student, and you're not getting married for over a year. You seriously think that planning your wedding should be a priority for her? But judging her for partying and prioritizing friends in college is not ok. You need to check yourself.

Planning the wedding is your and your FI's responsibility. If it is two much for the two of you to handle, you either cut back or hire a planner. The MOH's responsibility is to show up in the dress, smile for photos, and hold your bouquet/sign as witness. That's it. There is literally nothing for her to do right now. It would be inappropriate to ask MOH to help you plan and inappropriate to ask one of your other bridesmaids to do so.

short+sassy · October 2020

To add on to the other PPs, it's often a friendship-ending move to remove someone from the WP or tell her you don't want her as a MOH anymore. This could cause strife in your family for years to come.

And, for what? For nothing. MOH is only an honorary role that you have already bestowed upon her. It's not, "I made you MOH, so now you have do all this stuff for me." If she ends up doing nothing, except showing up in the appropriate attire on the wedding day, that's fine. It really is NBD. It's nice if she plans a shower or bachelorette party for you. But she isn't obligated to and a lot of brides don't have one or both of those.

Those two pre-wedding events and going with the bride to see dresses are about the only things I can think of that a MOH often does, but doesn't need to. And none of those are things that would be happening right now anyway. Maybe the dress shopping, but she is away at college anyway.

I can also understand why she isn't talking to you about your wedding right now. It's over a year away. The wedding might be on your and your FI's brain all the time right now, but it isn't on anybody else's. And that's fine, it's normal.

I'm sorry if my post comes off a little harsh, but you have some wedding blinders on. I don't want that to ruin a close friendship with your cousin. General advice, don't forget that a wedding is one day. A marriage and the relationships with your friends/family is hopefully for a lifetime.

ei34 · October 2020

Your wedding is over a year away, what exactly should she (or anyone else) be doing for your wedding right now? Although I ditto PP, the bridal party’s roles are to show up on time in the agreed upon attire, and smile for pictures. No DIY projects, the BP doesn’t all have to go dress shopping together, etc.

FWIW, thanks to the pandemic, I haven’t seen 31 of my 33 cousins since March.

banana468 · October 2020

short+sassy said:

To add on to the other PPs, it's often a friendship-ending move to remove someone from the WP or tell her you don't want her as a MOH anymore. This could cause strife in your family for years to come.

And, for what? For nothing. MOH is only an honorary role that you have already bestowed upon her. It's not, "I made you MOH, so now you have do all this stuff for me." If she ends up doing nothing, except showing up in the appropriate attire on the wedding day, that's fine. It really is NBD. It's nice if she plans a shower or bachelorette party for you. But she isn't obligated to and a lot of brides don't have one or both of those.

Those two pre-wedding events and going with the bride to see dresses are about the only things I can think of that a MOH often does, but doesn't need to. And none of those are things that would be happening right now anyway. Maybe the dress shopping, but she is away at college anyway.

I can also understand why she isn't talking to you about your wedding right now. It's over a year away. The wedding might be on your and your FI's brain all the time right now, but it isn't on anybody else's. And that's fine, it's normal.

I'm sorry if my post comes off a little harsh, but you have some wedding blinders on. I don't want that to ruin a close friendship with your cousin. General advice, don't forget that a wedding is one day. A marriage and the relationships with your friends/family is hopefully for a lifetime.

I'm also going to add that when it's friendship ending that's when you aren't related to a person. In this case it has the potential to create major rifts in families.

And I'm also going to echo that wedding blinders now in the time where EVERYONE is super stressed is just not a good look.....and I say this as someone who is SUPER excited that her brother has been engaged for under a week! Right now we don't even know what we can do for Thanksgiving. If he wants me to ask "what are you doing for my wedding" I just can't.

Jen4948 · October 2020

It comes up here often: a bride who feels upset by what she perceives as a "lack of attention/involvement/interest" from her attendants.

To reiterate: Nobody will ever care as much about your wedding as you and your fiance.

As PPs note, it's not your attendants' job to help plan your wedding or throw parties for you. And during Covid, there are safety issues too. So you need to rein in your expectations with her.

Also, asking your MOH to step down or accept demotion to bridesmaid is a friendship-ending move.

In addition, it seems like you just expected your MOH to do these things for you without expressing what her role consists of. The only "duties" any wedding party member has are to show up at the wedding in the designated outfit sober and in good spirits, and process down and recess up the aisle. They are not required to "help" with setup, cleanup, security, serving, photography or videography.

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