Dear Care and Feeding,
Our daughter (17F) sat us down last night and explained that she was in love with the (16M) neighbor next door. Instead of being delighted, as we’ve known the boy since birth and they’ve been friends almost as long, my husband threw a fit and forbade her from seeing him ever again. An argument ensued and our daughter accused my husband of being racist (we’re Filipino and the neighbors are Black.)
When he shared his reasons for reacting the way he did, my world changed forever. And I don’t know what to do with this information.
Right after our daughter was born, my husband and I almost split up; I went through a really hard time between the hormones and the lack of sleep, and when I kicked him out of the house temporarily, he took refuge in other women. I knew this already, but I had no idea he’d slept with the young single mom next door and fathered the boy who would become our daughter’s best friend and, eventually, boyfriend. Our daughter’s new boyfriend is her half-brother.
I’m furious, not because of the cheating, but because neither of them told me (I’m friends with the woman and think she’s a fantastic mother, for the record), although they both knew he was the father, and because my husband has a child that he has never supported, financially or emotionally. Now, we have to explain this ridiculous situation to both kids, which will stir up a lot of feelings for them, and the boy, who has been a big, positive, part of all our lives for years, will find out not only who his absentee father is, but that he’s been next door and parenting his other family for years without acknowledgment.
Any advice for navigating this? We should reach out to the boy and try to make up for years of negligence and secrecy, right? My husband thinks that we should never tell the kids and that I’m making problems where there doesn’t need to be any, but I’m sick thinking about him having a child and ignoring him because he isn’t as “legitimate” as ours, as well as his mother struggling to be a single mom when the father lives right next door. I also think the kids deserve to know, and they’ll need all three of us to parent them through the heartbreak of this revelation. My husband disagrees, and the other mother of his child doesn’t want to make trouble and says she doesn’t need anything from us. What is the best way to get our kids through this with the least amount of trauma, and how can my family do right by this innocent boy we’ve been neglecting for 16 years? Should I be this angry at my husband? He says he did it for me and our kids, but I can’t wrap my head around him abandoning his child like this, and how he thinks he can just forbid the kids from seeing each other without dealing with anything.
—Incest Under Duress