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Wedding Woes

Stop being polite and start getting real. And seriously, stop doing what he tells you.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I moved into a new house three months ago. We have an older couple as neighbors, and one of them, a man of 70, tends to give us instructions. He has told my partner not to grow bamboo along our shared fence because it may block his light. He addressed my partner as “boy” and told him to put bricks along the underside of the gate so our (too big for small gaps and not adventurous) dog would not escape. We have acquiesced. He sometimes looks between the posts of the fence when we are in the backyard and sometimes, usually when we are out, he leans over the fence in the front yard to sort of inspect the house. He has difficulty communicating—he is either hard of hearing or possibly struggles with English. How should we handle this? We don’t think he means badly. But my partner gets anxious about it, and I don’t love it either.

—Sometimes Neighbor, Sometimes Spy

Re: Stop being polite and start getting real. And seriously, stop doing what he tells you.

  • Its your house, you don't to follow his instructions about your own property.  As long as your actions are not affecting his property i don't understand why you're not nodding politely, saying "oh we'll think about that, thanks, how are you today?" and then moving on.  
  • Am I the only one who read this in the voices of the opening to The Real World? 

    Start to use your words. "Thank you for the advice.   We will consider it." 

    "We gave that idea consideration and will not be doing it." 

    He probably "means well" at heart however he also needs to be told to STFU. 
  • This doesn't sound like a big deal, so I'm not sure why it's causing the LW's partner anxiety.  They have a quirky neighbor.  Lots of people do.  You smile, nod, and ignore.  Keep conversations quick, cordial, and superficial.  Give generic statements to his "suggestions".  Though listen to them the first time.  Some of his suggestions might be helpful.

    As to the neighbor calling the LW's partner "boy", there are two ways to handle that.  Sometimes that word can be a racial slur, but it does have a demeaning/negative connotation even when it isn't.  It could also just be a word this person uses and doesn't mean anything negative by it, which is the impression the letter gives.

    Assuming that's true, it's fine to ignore it.  But if it is bothering the partner, there is also nothing rancorous about having a polite conversation the next time "boy" is used like, "Neighbor, while I know you don't mean anything by it, addressing me as 'boy' is derogatory.  In the future, please only use my name." 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm imagining this LW and their BF in their backyard and as soon as the neighbor comes out, they freeze and hope he doesn't see them.  Neighbor shows up to the fence and starts prattling on about what they can/can't and should/shouldn't do and they're just nodding along and agreeing. And then THEY DO WHAT HE TELLS THEM TO. 

    Stop this, LW.  Stop it now.  Also, plant the damn bamboo. Or a tree.  Get a better, taller, fence.  I feel like this is some 'respect your elders' shit and they don't want to come off as rude.  The neighbor is the one that's being rude.  

    It's your property.  Take some damn control.
  • banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    I'm imagining this LW and their BF in their backyard and as soon as the neighbor comes out, they freeze and hope he doesn't see them.  Neighbor shows up to the fence and starts prattling on about what they can/can't and should/shouldn't do and they're just nodding along and agreeing. And then THEY DO WHAT HE TELLS THEM TO. 

    Stop this, LW.  Stop it now.  Also, plant the damn bamboo. Or a tree.  Get a better, taller, fence.  I feel like this is some 'respect your elders' shit and they don't want to come off as rude.  The neighbor is the one that's being rude.  

    It's your property.  Take some damn control.
    Right!   Sometimes neighbors, especially those who have "been there for years" think that their property extends beyond the lines because they resist change.

    But on the bamboo before planting it look up your local ordinances.   It's actually not legal in some places so make sure that you aren't going to find yourself in hot water later.
    Good to know! I knew it was invasive but didn't realize it could be illegal.
  • Tad snarky but honestly I'm so sick of people getting away with "they mean well" because it sometimes feels like an excuse to still be a dick because you "mean well"

    You can tell your neighbor to stop. You really don't have to say it nicely since it's constant - I honestly would stop being nice.
  • Tad snarky but honestly I'm so sick of people getting away with "they mean well" because it sometimes feels like an excuse to still be a dick because you "mean well"

    You can tell your neighbor to stop. You really don't have to say it nicely since it's constant - I honestly would stop being nice.
    Yes. "Meaning well" is toxic behavior.  You're basically trying to control someone's actions because you think you know better or want something to go your way. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Tad snarky but honestly I'm so sick of people getting away with "they mean well" because it sometimes feels like an excuse to still be a dick because you "mean well"

    You can tell your neighbor to stop. You really don't have to say it nicely since it's constant - I honestly would stop being nice.
    Yes. "Meaning well" is toxic behavior.  You're basically trying to control someone's actions because you think you know better or want something to go your way. 
    It's so common with older people. My family {any side} are luckily not racist {outwardly at least} but I've heard so many people say "oh they don't realize things have changed" when they say racist/inappropriate comments.

    Side addition
    Oh wait! M's cousin is trans and M's dad has pre-apologized if he continues to use the dead name, and I said to M separately "he's literally just using this as an excuse and V is going to accept it because she's just nice!"
    I mean we apologized at the beginning because it's something new but we put effort to calling her her and her new name.
  • Here's my take on the "mean well"  -  when it's criticism or advice it's from a place of good intentions and the delivery can suck.   My grandmother had her ideas of the most flattering way to wear my hair or clothing to buy but her overall delivery SUUUCKED.  

    The older I got the more I knew that she wasn't capable of change.   I was up front with her when she'd say, "Why do you wear your hair like that?" and would say, "Because I like it like that."  

    With MIL her meaning well is also sometimes in a place of insecurity and anxiety and she is completely lacking of how to process that internally without combusting.   Minor example:
    She knew that our annual Halloween plans were a bust due to Covid.   She talked to her neighbors who agreed to pass out candy to our kids and MIL made individual baggies for the neighbors to hand out.   It was really cute, clearly an effort on her part and I recognized it Saturday night.   We arrived for an early dinner, kids were super excited and we got ready to go.  She told the neighbors that we'd start around 6:30.   I don't know about you but when it comes to trick or treating - I'm so loose with that timing.   Well, DH and his dad went down to the basement and FIL was giving DH some old iPad cases and headphones (things that we were going to USE in two days for Chiquito's newly issued school iPad so the time to get those items was then) and MIL started to get SUUPER anxious.  She yelled down the stairs to FIL and DH and they said that they were on their way but at 6:31 she was ready to throw down.   She wanted to go without them and I just turned to her and said, "We're not leaving without my husband."   I got it.   She told the neighbors a time and wanted to stick to it.   My answer was that trick or treating as a family was more important, would happen in all of 120 seconds and she could calm her tits. She didn't want the neighbors to think we were taking advantage of her goodwill.   She needed to know we were going to be FINE. 

    In situations like that with the neighbor it's about reading through things.   Neighbor can't control how you landscape as long as it's within the rules.  
  • Screw people meaning well; it’s part of why we’re in a position where people excuse casual racism that runs rampant in the country. People are not willing to have uncomfortable conversations because other people “ mean well”, meanwhile lives are at stake. 

    I know not the point of the letter, but too much gets excused by people “meaning well”. 
  • banana468 said:
    Here's my take on the "mean well"  -  when it's criticism or advice it's from a place of good intentions and the delivery can suck.   My grandmother had her ideas of the most flattering way to wear my hair or clothing to buy but her overall delivery SUUUCKED.  

    The older I got the more I knew that she wasn't capable of change.   I was up front with her when she'd say, "Why do you wear your hair like that?" and would say, "Because I like it like that."  

    With MIL her meaning well is also sometimes in a place of insecurity and anxiety and she is completely lacking of how to process that internally without combusting.   Minor example:
    She knew that our annual Halloween plans were a bust due to Covid.   She talked to her neighbors who agreed to pass out candy to our kids and MIL made individual baggies for the neighbors to hand out.   It was really cute, clearly an effort on her part and I recognized it Saturday night.   We arrived for an early dinner, kids were super excited and we got ready to go.  She told the neighbors that we'd start around 6:30.   I don't know about you but when it comes to trick or treating - I'm so loose with that timing.   Well, DH and his dad went down to the basement and FIL was giving DH some old iPad cases and headphones (things that we were going to USE in two days for Chiquito's newly issued school iPad so the time to get those items was then) and MIL started to get SUUPER anxious.  She yelled down the stairs to FIL and DH and they said that they were on their way but at 6:31 she was ready to throw down.   She wanted to go without them and I just turned to her and said, "We're not leaving without my husband."   I got it.   She told the neighbors a time and wanted to stick to it.   My answer was that trick or treating as a family was more important, would happen in all of 120 seconds and she could calm her tits. She didn't want the neighbors to think we were taking advantage of her goodwill.   She needed to know we were going to be FINE. 

    In situations like that with the neighbor it's about reading through things.   Neighbor can't control how you landscape as long as it's within the rules.  
    With your MIL it sounds like she comes from places of anxiety, as oppose to your grandmother - which had underlying snark. Anxiety is understandable "I made commitments and want to show I'm upholding them" {could be generational thing also}

    But like LW's neighbor is likely coming from snark and control kind of deal
  • banana468 said:
    Here's my take on the "mean well"  -  when it's criticism or advice it's from a place of good intentions and the delivery can suck.   My grandmother had her ideas of the most flattering way to wear my hair or clothing to buy but her overall delivery SUUUCKED.  

    The older I got the more I knew that she wasn't capable of change.   I was up front with her when she'd say, "Why do you wear your hair like that?" and would say, "Because I like it like that."  

    With MIL her meaning well is also sometimes in a place of insecurity and anxiety and she is completely lacking of how to process that internally without combusting.   Minor example:
    She knew that our annual Halloween plans were a bust due to Covid.   She talked to her neighbors who agreed to pass out candy to our kids and MIL made individual baggies for the neighbors to hand out.   It was really cute, clearly an effort on her part and I recognized it Saturday night.   We arrived for an early dinner, kids were super excited and we got ready to go.  She told the neighbors that we'd start around 6:30.   I don't know about you but when it comes to trick or treating - I'm so loose with that timing.   Well, DH and his dad went down to the basement and FIL was giving DH some old iPad cases and headphones (things that we were going to USE in two days for Chiquito's newly issued school iPad so the time to get those items was then) and MIL started to get SUUPER anxious.  She yelled down the stairs to FIL and DH and they said that they were on their way but at 6:31 she was ready to throw down.   She wanted to go without them and I just turned to her and said, "We're not leaving without my husband."   I got it.   She told the neighbors a time and wanted to stick to it.   My answer was that trick or treating as a family was more important, would happen in all of 120 seconds and she could calm her tits. She didn't want the neighbors to think we were taking advantage of her goodwill.   She needed to know we were going to be FINE. 

    In situations like that with the neighbor it's about reading through things.   Neighbor can't control how you landscape as long as it's within the rules.  
    With your MIL it sounds like she comes from places of anxiety, as oppose to your grandmother - which had underlying snark. Anxiety is understandable "I made commitments and want to show I'm upholding them" {could be generational thing also}

    But like LW's neighbor is likely coming from snark and control kind of deal
    Even Grandma's underlying snark was from a "I grew up in an area where women are judged more for their appearance and I hope you avoid that same criticism," point.  It is delivered poorly but her intent was placed in a "I want the best for you"  zone.

    Neighbor's issues could be entirely selfish or in a spot of, "I'm older than you so I'm attempting to mentor you" in a completely misguided way.
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