My house is a disaster. Not like moms who post about their “messy” houses on social media where there are just a couple of things out of place. It’s actually disgusting. I’m 26 and have serious depression that has been described as “untreatable” by my psychiatrist and the two others I have seen for second and third opinions. I’ve tried everything, including electroconvulsive therapy and experimental trials. What I’m on right now is the best option available. I have some particular issues around cleaning (my parents used it as punishment for hours). This is absolutely not an excuse, but it does explain some things. I’m not a hoarder. Most of the clutter in my house is trash that I don’t take out. I’m not attached to it or can’t throw it out—I just don’t. If I spill milk on the counter, I leave it there.
It has gotten to the point where I cry every time I have to come home. I’d like to move to a smaller apartment that would be more manageable, but to move I would have to clean everything first. I had never been able to afford to have a cleaner, until last year when I got a raise and a promotion. Now I could afford to have someone come every week, but I need to get the house to an acceptable standard before they come for the first time, and I don’t think I can do that. I’ve also seen cleaners post pictures of their clients’ homes (without permission) on social media, and I’m terrified of that. I haven’t had people over in years. My toilet only works half the time, and I can’t even have a plumber come out to fix it. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted with myself. No one knows about this, including my therapist. Please don’t suggest asking friends or family or my therapist for help. I absolutely cannot tell anyone. On the outside I appear successful, healthy, I have money and dress well. But my house is disgusting. What do I do?