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Hire help anyway

My house is a disaster. Not like moms who post about their “messy” houses on social media where there are just a couple of things out of place. It’s actually disgusting. I’m 26 and have serious depression that has been described as “untreatable” by my psychiatrist and the two others I have seen for second and third opinions. I’ve tried everything, including electroconvulsive therapy and experimental trials. What I’m on right now is the best option available. I have some particular issues around cleaning (my parents used it as punishment for hours). This is absolutely not an excuse, but it does explain some things. I’m not a hoarder. Most of the clutter in my house is trash that I don’t take out. I’m not attached to it or can’t throw it out—I just don’t. If I spill milk on the counter, I leave it there.

It has gotten to the point where I cry every time I have to come home. I’d like to move to a smaller apartment that would be more manageable, but to move I would have to clean everything first. I had never been able to afford to have a cleaner, until last year when I got a raise and a promotion. Now I could afford to have someone come every week, but I need to get the house to an acceptable standard before they come for the first time, and I don’t think I can do that. I’ve also seen cleaners post pictures of their clients’ homes (without permission) on social media, and I’m terrified of that. I haven’t had people over in years. My toilet only works half the time, and I can’t even have a plumber come out to fix it. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted with myself. No one knows about this, including my therapist. Please don’t suggest asking friends or family or my therapist for help. I absolutely cannot tell anyone. On the outside I appear successful, healthy, I have money and dress well. But my house is disgusting. What do I do?

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Re: Hire help anyway

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    Book a full day of clean, tell them it’s more than average messy, and like Starmoon said tip well. 

    But also, maybe find a new therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, or doctor. Because while you may have a particularly difficult case of depression it sounds like they’re not really trying to treat you at all. Maybe there is truly untreatable depression, but I think LW should try to be honest about what’s happening in their home & find someone who can help, even a little. 
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    People can hire help for almost anything!  I know the LW is embarrassed, but it will be better for their mental health to rip the band aid off and hire someone.

    A lot of cleaning companies will take on exactly what they are describing.  Or hire someone off something like Task Rabbit, to at least come in and throw out the trash.  Maybe have that same person come in once a week or so to do that.

    But it is hard to say.  Maybe that is emotionally too difficult for the LW also.  Especially since the LW says they aren't attached to the trash, it seems like it would be easy and logical to say, "Hey, just take one bag out every time you leave the house."  But that's the heartbreaking thing about mental health.  It should be that easy but, for the LW, it isn't.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited November 2020
    It makes me so sad that LW feels like asking a friend or family member isn't an option. I would help them. 

    But agree, hire someone to help. If they're that embarrassed about it, lie and say they just inherited the place from their sick aunt or something. But also, fuck cleaners who post photos of people's homes on social media. Such a violation. 
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2020
    For some reason, this letter made me incredibly sad. I really hope LW gets past their embarrassment enough to hire a professional cleaner (one who doesn't post pictures of people's homes on social media). A lot of these cleaners have probably seen it all and will know what to do with this home, even if it takes more than one trip to get tings right. 

    I really hope LW is able to go through with getting their home cleaner, for their own health and safety if nothing else. I also hope they'll consider looking for a therapist they can open up to more. 
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    Shame is such a powerful emotion.  As someone who suffers from anxiety, remembering a time I stuck my foot in my mouth, even if it was 30 years ago, can stop me in my tracks and put me right back in the moment.  I can remember people's reactions and the acute embarrassment I felt. 

    I am so mad at the professionals that have written off this LW.  They've left them without hope.  And clearly, LW can function since they mention they're professionally successful and appear tidy/put together when at work or out and about.  They need to find a new team to help them. 

    LW needs to hire professionals to clean.  They can let them in and then leave.  

    I will say, this letter reminds me a little of the "Eeyore" type people I've met in my life.  It makes me wonder what LW's colleagues or friends (if they have any people they consider friends) think of them. 
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    Chances are it's shame/anxiety far more than it is run of the mill depression...  Core shame is something that takes a completely different approach in therapy than depression and needs to be opened up about with the therapist because if you're trying to use a screwdriver to tap in a nail, the job might get done, but not nearly as efficiently as using the right tool(s) for the job!  There probably was more progress made in the Dear Prudie letter than years of chair time if they haven't opened up about this to their therapist!

    And yes, LW needs to go ahead and hire professionals, and maybe consider that some of the before/after pictures were done with permission and make part of the contract be that they are not to take pictures/images of her apartment to put their anxiety at ease.  Professional cleaners are the first to say "you're hiring us to do a job, don't clean before we come there to clean!"...  
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