Dear Prudence,
My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in March. She has been getting treatment, but unfortunately it’s not working, and she doesn’t have much time left. I haven’t seen her in over a year, as I live halfway across the country with two small children. I try to call, text, and video-chat when I can, but she isn’t very responsive. Often she won’t return the calls or will watch TV instead of talking to me and the kids. This was pretty typical before she got sick, and it drove me nuts then, too. She’s been pretty secretive about how she’s doing, and I only get updates from my sister, who lives in the same town. I tried to visit in August, telling my parents this would probably be my only chance, since COVID numbers started going up, plus having to relocate for my husband’s new job. They told me not to visit. They were also very rude to me, insulting my parenting and telling me to take the bus or taxi from the airport for an hour with the children because they didn’t like the flight arrival times. My husband no longer wanted me to visit after that conversation because he felt upset with how they treated me.
My sister is getting upset that I haven’t visited, keeps telling me I am going to regret it, and is coming up with elaborate plans so I can see our mother like meeting in the middle and renting a house to stay in, or flying out to live with my parents for months. Am I really a terrible daughter for not visiting my dying mother? Especially because I most likely won’t attend her funeral either when the time comes. Am I going to regret not visiting her in person one last time?
—Double Guilt Trips