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Why can't you talk to your husband about boundaries regarding her?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have been married to a wonderful guy for three years. He is good to my children and has four kids from two previous marriages. While I get along with the older ones, it seems that I can’t do the same with the younger ones—a 14-year-old boy and a 17-year-old girl who both live in another state. They don’t ever talk to my husband, not even on Father’s Day or his birthday. The girl is always trouble when she visits. She uses drugs and is always doing something to sabotage my marriage, like sending my husband pictures of her mom. She has called me really ugly and offensive names and never apologized. This year she called my husband after more than a year of not talking to him and says she wants to spend Christmas with us. My husband seems excited about it, but I can’t feel the same way. What do I do? Am I wrong for wanting to spend a nice Christmas without trouble? Do I just lock myself and my kids in a room when she is here? My husband won’t understand me because he says I have my kids with me, and no matter how bad a person she is, she is still his daughter.

—Soon-to-Be Ruined Christmas

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Re: Why can't you talk to your husband about boundaries regarding her?

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Sending a photo of her mother to her father is trying to sabotage your marriage? What? 

    Some of this sounds like a kid acting out, but some of it sounds like LW is ridiculous. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You need to set boundaries and your husband needs to agree to them.  

    That he isn't calling out the behavioral issues of his child is concerning.  Beyond the name calling this is a child who possibly has a substance abuse addiction.    Why isn't THAT at the forefront of the concerns listed vs. "She calls me names."  Teenagers will call adults names.  But adults who see behavioral and substance issues need to get to the root of the issue in getting her HELP. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm seeing a lot of teenager wanting their parents back together and acting out.

    LW needs to talk to their spouse about helping with the substance abuse issue. This could be related to the acting out, but why take that chance.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I want to know how LW's husband addressed this during the last visit.  Because if she literally stormed in, shit on them, did drugs, and LW's H just sat there with his thumb up his ass, there's nothing that's probably going to change. If he's been in contact with her, has had boundaries, then I'm not sure what point LW is trying to make. 

    Either LW is over dramatizing this whole scenario or it's a 4 men situation.   
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think it’s reasonable to say no drug use, or being offensive to other people in the house. That’s not unreasonable and the H needs to be on the same page with that. But locking yourself and your kids in the room is ridiculous and acting like a child. You and your husband need to agree on boundaries for the visit and he needs to communicate them to his daughter and hold her accountable. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I understand the LW's trepidation over this difficult child.  But she should be focusing on some of the bright sides.  This troubled teenager is reaching out to her father and wanting to visit.  That's awesome and maybe a hopeful step for getting the help she needs with the substance abuse.

    With that said, the LW and her H need to get on the same page for how any potential disrespect should be handled.  Because neither the LW nor her kids should be subjected to that.  And, even if the LW isn't really the one who should be "disciplining", she absolutely should have the authority to shut down rude statements.
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