Context matters? Or maybe you've met the wrong people?

mrsconn23 · December 2020

Dear Prudence,

I’m a gay man and an only child whose parents both died while I was in college. I didn’t start exploring my sexuality until after they were gone, so I never was able to come out to them, but we were pretty tightknit. I loved them very much. Although I have some extended family, we’re not particularly close. I have a few close friends, but that’s about it, and I’ve gone through almost a decade on my own. I’m in my 30s now, with a string of failed relationships behind me, and I feel like one of the biggest problems has been my lack of a family.

No one, especially around my age, wants to think about their parents’ deaths. I try to be upfront, and this has repeatedly led to relationships where my partner avoids the subject completely, never asking me about my childhood or showing interest in knowing what kind of people my parents were. I’ve asked questions about their families and gotten all kinds of stories and anecdotes, but the questions are never reciprocated. My partners’ avoidance has rubbed off on me too: I’ve found myself avoiding thinking about my past before college as a whole, as the memories feel more melancholic than good. This is a part of my history and who I am, but sometimes I feel like I should just give up and not try to talk about it. It just brings people down, and frankly I can’t blame them. This avoidance and having no one to exist in relation to has strained my sense of identity. Do you have any advice on how to approach this topic in relationships? Or just advice for people who have lost their family in general?

—Orphaned Feelings

charlotte989875 · December 2020

I feel like there’s something missing here; do you want to talk about the grief and loss or do you just want to share memories and participate in conversations as appropriate?

Either is fine in the context of any friendship or relationship, but if you’re looking for support or commiseration among friends people may have no idea how to support you. I also think if you’re finding you can’t find the good and happiness in those memories you may need the support of a grief-specific group or counselor. Your friends likely can’t provide that type of support for you.

That said you should feel able to talk about them in your relationship (platonic and romantic) and maybe ask the people you’re with how you can make them feel comfortable having that conversation with you.

STARMOON44 · December 2020

Of my close friends 8 of us have lost at least one parent in our 30s. This isn’t that rare and I agree therapy would be helpful.

short+sassy · December 2020

Playing armchair psychologist again, lol. I think this is more a hang-up the LW has that he is then projecting on other people. At least for me, childhood stories and memories I've had with romantic partners have more come from natural conversations as opposed to either myself or my SO asking specific questions. And it wasn't a subject that came up very often.

Granted, it wasn't both my parents, but my father unexpectedly passed away when I was in college. I've never had the impression that it was a "weird" or "awkward" topic with people I have met.

Or maybe it is how the LW approaches talking about his parents and childhood. He mentions he has melancholy feelings about it. It was sad to read that. Sure, there are times I miss my dad and I feel sad he is gone. But my childhood memories of him are not sad and I just tell them like stories. In fact, something reminded me yesterday about a fond memory I have about my dad from when I was in kindegarten. I told it to my H last night and we had fun laughing about it together (story below). It was one of those things that was a "very serious and concerning" conversation to a 4-year-old, but hilarious to an adult. Now when I remember the conversation, I know my dad must have had to be biting his lip to keep from laughing. But he was a good dad who made sure to match the serious "look and tone" that I had.

The letter struck me as odd that the LW felt he got bad vibes talking about what his parents were like and telling stories about his own childhood. Unless he is specifically talking about the circumstances of their deaths or something else that was sad, conversations like that should usually be light-hearted and fun. I think he brings in the awkwardness and melancholy to those conversations. His partners should certainly have been more sensitive about that. But when I keep going back to this doesn't sound like normal reactions from people, yet this is always what happens to the LW. Then maybe it is the LW. At any rate, I think he would find counseling, especially grief counseling helpful.

My kindegarten dad story:

It was early in my kindegarten year. I was 4, almost 5. I was learning how to write letters. My dad would help me practice my letters most nights. I was proud that I was making pretty good progress, as I started adding more and more letters to the ones I could always right correctly. But not "J". It took me far, far longer to master, than all the other letters. Which I was really upset about because I knew that was the first letter of my name!

My dad kept reassuring me that it was a hard letter but, with practice, I would get it.

I finally couldn't hold back anymore and told him my worst fear, "But Daddy, what if I can never make a 'J'? I know I will have to write my name a lot when I am older. But, if I can't write a 'J', then I can't write my name! What if that happens?" He punted the question and suggested we wait (I think) two more weeks...like a 4-year-old knows what two weeks is, lol...and we could talk about it more, if I still couldn't write a "J". If I'm remembering correctly, I think it only took me another 2-3 days to be able to consistently write a "J".

This was back in the late '70s. Who knew, back then, that I would be wrong about how often I would need to be able to write my own name. With computers abundant and the Internet, I hardly ever handwrite my name, lmao.

mrsconn23 · December 2020

I agree with your assessment, @short+sassy. LW is definitely having projection issues.

Also, same for our friend group @STARMOON44. There are several people amongst us who have lost at least one parent and some who've lost both. And everyone was under 40.

Context matters? Or maybe you've met the wrong people?

Re: Context matters? Or maybe you've met the wrong people?

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