Officiant spouse’s invitation retracted

Re: Officiant spouse’s invitation retracted

• banana468 member

  

  December 2020

  Your husband shouldn't be expected to be the officiant.  How close are you with them now?

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• knottiedcfb8d42efeca6e3 member

  

  December 2020

  They asked my husband (who is the groom’s family’s former pastor) to be the officiant because the bride’s pastor will be on vacation.  We still consider the parents of the groom to be friends, but I am almost shocked at the behavior of the groom.  He wrote to my husband along with other guests saying if they didn’t do such & such, they wouldn’t be allowed into the church.  My husband is doing him a favor, & yet he is acting quite arrogant.  

  Sorry if I wasn’t clear.  My question isn’t about whether or not my husband should officiate.  He is a logical choice.  My question is whether an officiant in the situation he is in should be expected to give a gift, considering the invitation to his family members was retracted by the couple & he is paying from his own pocket for a hotel room & travel expenses.  Typically guests are expected to pay for their own accommodations, but as I understand it, an officiant may  be different (?).  

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• maine7mob member

  

  December 2020

  Clergy, whether they are friends of the couple or not, are usually paid an honorarium to officiate. This is a cash gift (technically, it isn't a gift, since it is a reasonable and customary expectation) of about $200. When an officiant has to travel and stay overnight, the couple should pay for his/her accommodation.
  
  The groom is taking advantage of your husband, who will be performing his duty as a pastor. Might I remind you of the biblical passages, "The worker deserves his wages?" (Luke 10:7) and "Do not hold back the wages of a hired worker overnight?" (Leviticus 19:13)
  
  Your husband is doing his job and should not be put to any expense to do so. Rather, he should be compensated.

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• banana468 member

  

  December 2020

  maine7mob said:

  Clergy, whether they are friends of the couple or not, are usually paid an honorarium to officiate. This is a cash gift (technically, it isn't a gift, since it is a reasonable and customary expectation) of about $200. When an officiant has to travel and stay overnight, the couple should pay for his/her accommodation.
  
  The groom is taking advantage of your husband, who will be performing his duty as a pastor. Might I remind you of the biblical passages, "The worker deserves his wages?" (Luke 10:7) and "Do not hold back the wages of a hired worker overnight?" (Leviticus 19:13)
  
  Your husband is doing his job and should not be put to any expense to do so. Rather, he should be compensated.

  To all of this I'll add that because you are the SPOUSE of the clergy and he's not just a justice of the peace hired from a phone book you should be invited.  I understand that Covid restrictions make it difficult to host an event at this time however the couple is going about this in ways that are not going to endear them to their nearest and dearest. 
  
  If I were your husband I'd be clear, "It is regretful that you have rescinded the invitation you previously sent to my wife.  Because of this I am unable to officiate the ceremony as we previously discussed.  A wedding requires a lifetime commitment up to and including the honoring of your spouse.   To continue to officiate your ceremony would require that I dishonor my spouse in a very ceremony joining two people who are exchanging the vows that my spouse and I did years ago and it is not a message that I can send both verbally or symbolically to you and your guests.  I wish you and yours well and wish you the best in finding a new officiant." 

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• banana468 member

  

  December 2020

  I'll also add - should your H continue with this because it's a business arrangement then he needs to draft a contract that includes his business expenses and payment to be arranged.   In light of their treatment I hope he considers his calendar suddenly free. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  December 2020

  I see it two ways.  Either your H is a vendor who is officiating the ceremony and therefore should have his expenses paid, plus a fee.  Or he is officiating as a gift to the couple...and therefore is a guest...so at least yourself (his spouse) should absolutely be invited or it is highly insulting.  It's also rude to have already invited your all's son and rescind that invitation, but I'm trying to be more understanding because perhaps their plans changed due to COVID restrictions.
  
  I think your H should phrase it something like, now that you are not invited, it changes the parameters of his officiating.  It is more like a pastoral job instead of a social event with his wife, to watch their friend's son get married.  As such, he needs to at least have his expenses paid for and his $XXX fee.  And if they prefer to use a local officiant who won't have a lodging expense, he totally understands.
  
  It's outrageous what they are asking.  To interrupt your all's own holiday family festivities and go out of town for the night.  Without his spouse.  I'd like to think they aren't monsters and just haven't really thought it out that way.  So then it needs to be pointed out to them.

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  December 2020 edited December 2020

  The groom is being incredibly rude to ask your husband to officiate for free during the holidays without bringing his spouse. @banana468's and @short+sassy 's advice is spot-on.

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  December 2020 edited December 2020

  short+sassy said:

  I see it two ways.  Either your H is a vendor who is officiating the ceremony and therefore should have his expenses paid, plus a fee.  Or he is officiating as a gift to the couple...and therefore is a guest...so at least yourself (his spouse) should absolutely be invited or it is highly insulting.  It's also rude to have already invited your all's son and rescind that invitation, but I'm trying to be more understanding because perhaps their plans changed due to COVID restrictions.
  
  I think your H should phrase it something like, now that you are not invited, it changes the parameters of his officiating.  It is more like a pastoral job instead of a social event with his wife, to watch their friend's son get married.  As such, he needs to at least have his expenses paid for and his $XXX fee.  And if they prefer to use a local officiant who won't have a lodging expense, he totally understands.
  
  It's outrageous what they are asking.  To interrupt your all's own holiday family festivities and go out of town for the night.  Without his spouse.  I'd like to think they aren't monsters and just haven't really thought it out that way.  So then it needs to be pointed out to them.

  THIS!  Your husband has now moved into Vendor category and the way to go is to bow out gracefully.  Clergy doesn't mean he's going to spend $400+ of his own money to work at an event.  Yes, that's how much it's going to cost him to go between 6-8 hours of travel time (gas, vehicle maintenance, food/drink on the road), time away from other life commitments (you and your son!), hotel for one or two nights, etc.  
  
  Obviously the thing to do is first talk with the current pastor at the church and get the name of the clergy who would normally fill in for services/funerals while they're away on vacation and let the parents know that as much as he wants to be there, with the new parameters, it's just not feasible to do so.  OR, no rehearsal, or the rehearsal is one hour prior to the service the day-of and he drives in, performs the ceremony, then heads out there-after...
  
  ETA: There might be some red flags flying all around here that may need to be addressed prior to the ceremony from a pastoral standpoint if the groom is doing this now, what's he doing to his poor fiance! (Ordering your clergy around - yea, that one needs a good ole' nip in the bud!)

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