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Can your STBXH handle your weekend away?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I separated during the pandemic as his drinking hit a critical point, and I just couldn’t deal with the emotional abuse and absenteeism in our son’s life anymore. Our son is 3 now, and I’ve felt like a single parent for much of that time. After a month in rehab and a couple of slip-ups later, my husband has been sober for almost three months now. Because of COVID and wanting to provide some stability for our son, we are living together until the spring. However, I have started seeing someone else. My soon-to-be ex-husband knows. I want to move forward with this other relationship. He’s invited me to go away for the weekend, and I really want to spend a night away with him. Is this OK? How can I broach this with my ex? The guy I’m seeing works from home and has minimal contacts, so I am not concerned about COVID exposure, but my ex is.

—Separated, Together

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Re: Can your STBXH handle your weekend away?

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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You really need to consider drafting something legal.  While he's sober now what are your plans for leaving your STBXH with the 3 yo for the weekend away?  While you absolutely need time to yourself you need to also have things in place for your legal security and the safety of your son.  
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mrsconn23 said:
    While going away for a weekend to get it on with your boo after months at home with your STBXH and a three year old does sound like a dream, the reality is that there's nothing in this letter that tells me it's a good idea for LW to do this yet.  STBXH is early in sobriety, but has been an 'absent' father and was emotionally abusive in the past. 

    Has this changed with his sobriety?  Has he shown improvement? Started making amends?  Explored his past behavior?  Have you discussed your roles in his addiction and the demise of your marriage (not victim blaming here, but these are valid questions/points)? 

    IDK, it just sounds like LW is looking for an escape.  I get that, and one night is just one night, but LW sounds like it's giving them hesitation.  The defenseless three year old's well-being trumps the three adults in this scenario. 
    Right?!? 

    And the kid is THREE.  Why can't they take him and put him to bed early and then they have their time?  


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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The question isn't really how to approach this with your ex, but is it a safe and appropriate choice for your 3 year old son who has had very little positive contact with his father. 

    I’m absolutely sure LW needs and deserves a break. But it sounds like the ex is newly sober, the kiddo has had very little engagement with Dad, and a weekend away seems like a big step. What about an evening where you return at night? Or a day trip? There has to be a way to ease into this that prioritizes your son’s emotional safety. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    This is a ridiculous and terrible plan. It does not add stability to anyone’s life to be living with a newly recovering addict you plan to divorce. Stop dating! Sort your life out!
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