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xyz098 · January 2021

Thanks for all the info everyone, I have a lot to think about with my guest list and some new perspective.

missJeanLouise · January 2021

molarbear said:

Some background info: my parents are paying for about 90-95% of my wedding. We are planning to have a big wedding (venue max is 220) in 2022. Theoretically, I would love to contribute as much as I can to my wedding, but most of my savings are going towards my student loans and I'm planning to hopefully get into a residency program this summer which has a stipend, but it's not much. My fiance is a working professional, but we'd like to put his savings towards investments. Basically, we're ok with having my parents pay for the majority of the wedding and will contribute where we can. My fiance's parents are divorced. His parents haven't reached out to us to discuss whether they will be contributing anything to the wedding (flowers, photography, etc.), but we'd like to have a discussion with them soon. It's not a big deal if they can't contribute since as I said, my parents are funding most of the wedding. His sister is actually getting married this year, so I know his parents are probably footing a lot of the bill for her wedding and don't want to put pressure on them.

From my family's side, my parents have 120 guests. Yes, I know that's a lot from one side, but we have a large family and a close family friend network (we're an immigrant family). I've reviewed this list with my mom. My fiance and I intend to invite about 30-40 friends, putting our guest list at 160, leaving 60 for his family.

Since his parents are divorced, we are hoping to split that remaining 60 to 30 from each side, however, I don't want to cause strife by only having them invite 60 people between the 2 of them. At the same time, my parents are paying for the wedding...so I would prefer honoring their guest list over his side. His mom has sent in her guest list with 31 people but has included some people that my fiance and I are not sure we'd invite. For instance:

1) She added a plus one for his teenage stepsister that we see maybe once a year.
2) She added her husband's brother and his wife and their daughter and son. The daughter is actually getting married this year, and they haven't invited us to their wedding, so I don't really see why we would need to invite them?

I guess I'd just like some insight...am I out of line here with my thinking?

She is 1 person over the limit that you gave her, is it that big of deal? I mean, obviously it is going to include people you and your FI wouldn't necessarily invite or they would have been included on you list of 30-40 people. Have you received the list from your FFIL yet? Maybe it is only 29 people and you don't have an issue at all.

xyz098 · January 2021

Yeah, I get your point. We're waiting on his dad's list, but I figured that his dad might technically have more guests than his mom. I guess I just feel kind of annoyed that she wants to invite people who didn't invite us to their wedding when we've cut a lot of plus ones from our friends' list.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2021

Weddings aren't tit for tat as far as invites go. If you really want to cut people, you could cut the cousins but not the aunt and uncle as long as other cousins on your FI side aren't invited. I'd wait until you get your FFIL's list. If it puts you over, sit down with FI's parents individually and see who they would be willing to cut. Under no circumstances should you ask them to contribute to the wedding. It is very generous of your parents to pay for the majority of the wedding, but it is your wedding so you are ultimately responsible for any costs that are incurred. Perhaps your parents could cut a couple of people if it comes down to your FI's parents really wanting their entire list there.

Also remember there is a difference between plus ones and significant others. You can't not invite a significant other (someone with whom a person is in a relationship) but plus ones are not required. I'm not saying you are doing this, just clarifying.

MesmrEwe · January 2021

You made a sacred mistake - you chose a venue before you wrote out your guest lists! For future knotties who may be reading this - NEVER EVER EVER choose your venue before you have written out your actual guest list with names of everyone invited, SO's, "and guest", and a count if they all show up and where your cut lines are if budget/venue are close...

Now that cart is before the horse, as others mentioned, there is not tit for tat, some families are just larger than others and it's **itty for your friends to get priority status over anyone on FI's side of the family.

Now, before you add in the friends list, you add his family in first... Even if his family is smaller than yours or yours is paying, your FI's family takes priority over your mutual friends list (unless there is an estranged situation, in which case, that's it's own animal).

xyz098 · January 2021

I see what you're saying about choosing the venue beforehand, however, we chose the venue with what my parents & my fiance and I could afford, so a max of 220 is feasible for us but anything more is really not. But that is solid advice, thank you!

MyNameIsNot · January 2021

You told her she could invite 30 people, so she gave you a list of 31 people. I suppose it's fair to tell her she needs to trim one off, but I'm not sure I understand why you're second-guessing her list. If you wanted to choose who came from that side, you should have just made the list yourselves.

banana468 · January 2021

Don't flip out over one guest - especially one that is there as a just in case.

FWIW, I do hope your list includes a plus one for everyone that is single. Even if you aren't extending the option for every single guest to bring a date, it's more than possible that your single guests will be in established relationships by the time you send invitations.

short+sassy · January 2021

Your FI should not speak to his parents about contributing. That is for them to bring up with you all, if they want to give you all money for the wedding.

Also, just because your parents are paying for most of it, doesn't make it fair to limit your FI's guests. Hopefully, the numbers just work out that way, once you get the FFIL's list. But, if not, I'm sure there are people that can be cut off your list to help accommodate. Just to give a made-up example. Let's say his parents want to invite 70 people. And you and your FI both have 5 first cousins you are the closest with. Assuming an SO for each cousin...and you should assume that, whether they have an SO or not right now...that is 20 people (10 for your FI). But you have a total of 30 first cousins (60 people) that are all being invited. It's not fair for your FI to have to cut his closest first cousins off the list, just so you can invite first cousins you rarely even talk to.

For the specific examples you gave from your FMIL:

1) If the stepdaughter is being invited, then you need to make room for one additional person. Here is the etiquette rule and it is a major one. If a person has an SO (by THEIR definition), then their SO needs to be invited (by name on the same invitation). A "plus one" is a courtesy, but not required. A "plus one" would be for a person not in a relationship that allows them to bring a guest of their choosing. As such, when the invites go out 6-8 weeks before the wedding, if the SD has an SO at that time, then that person needs to be invited also. However, if she does not, then you do not need to extend her a "plus one", if you all don't want to.

2) If you all don't want to invite the stepfather's brother and family, that is fine. But it's a little petty to base it on "they didn't invite us to their daughter's wedding". And, unless invites have already gone out for the wedding, you don't necessarily know that. Just base it on, "Are those people we want to invite?" You can also chose to invite just the SF's brother and his wife and not their kids. Because, KIM, you can't just invite their daughter and son without also inviting any SO's they might have. And obviously at least the daughter will have an SO! The person she is marrying later this year.

Jen4948 · January 2021

I wouldn't get upset over one guest, but

1) if the stepdaughter is dating, you will need to include her SO. A "plus one," on the other hand, is an escort for someone who is not in a relationship. That could be anyone of their choice. You do not owe the stepdaughter a "plus one" if she's not in a relationship. It would be a courtesy but that is all.

2) I also wouldn't refrain from inviting someone because you were not invited to their wedding. There may be any number of reasons, not aimed at snubbing you, why you didn't receive an invitation. Obviously, if you invite the parents, they must be invited together. If you invite the daughter, you do have to invite her fiance, and if the son is in a relationship, you have to invite his partner if you invite the son. But the entire family is not a social unit that has to be invited together.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2021

You were quoted so your post remains. It is helpful for other brides that may have similar questions to read posts so it isn't considered a good idea/good board etiquette to delete your post. You got some good advice here. Good luck with planning your wedding.

ei34 · January 2021

Ditto all PP and I'll just add that you'll do yourself a favor by not sending STDs out. 30-40 friends is a lot (IMO)...who knows who you'll be close with come 2022? Not to mention- is it 30-40 friends, or 15-20 friends plus room on your guest list for their SOs, should they be in relationships at the time that your wedding invitations go out? I'm only harping on the friends because that may be an easier category to trim compared to your FI's family.

If your FMIL or FFIL would like to contribute financially, they will bring it up- definitely don't ask them. Although just curious- if one of them does offer at some point between now and your wedding - how will that impact the number of guests they can invite vs. your parents' guests?

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