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Bridesmaid/friend Issue: Advice Welcomed

aerialprincessaerialprincess member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So I have quite a few close friends that I regularly keep in touch with. I wanted 6 bridesmaids but my fiancé said that was too many. We settled on 5 but it was hard having to choose between 3 people. So then I made the decision to just have 4 and the other close friends will get a bachelorette party invite and can still be party of the experience and celebration.I figured if anyone asked, I would say that we decided to keep the party in our ceremony small so I asked friends that have known me the longest to be in party from back him. One of my friends chose me to be her MOH when she got married a few years back. I hadn’t known her very long (less than 3 years) but I was flattered. She had a small wedding party in the ceremony(3 including myself).

I originally wanted her in my wedding thinking I was going to have 6. But I haven’t known her as long as some of my other friends that I’ve know. Since middle and high school and we don’t hangout as much as we use to. She has a kid now so that makes it challenging.

She is the type of girl that overthinks things, like myself, so I felt like I needed to explain myself. I think I offended her because she never replied back. I just thought by not saying anything to her, it would be worst than an explanation because she would probably overthink about it. 

I explained to her that we are having a small party walk in ceremony (3 old friends from back home(over 10 years of friendship) and my sister). I told her that I value her friendship and want her to be part of my special day and that I hope she is not offended by this. I told her that I want her to come to my bachelorette party and be part of festivities and that I also have other close friends that are not in ceremony that will be there. 


I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I really regret sending this. Am I overreacting? I sent this to another friend and she was totally cool about it. I originally wasn’t in her wedding and I was fine with it and understood that there were other girls that knew her better. But with this other friend, I think she’s offended.
how would you handle this situation? :0
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Re: Bridesmaid/friend Issue: Advice Welcomed

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly, I think it's rough if you ever tell people why they aren't in your wedding.  It has extra sting and can make emotions run a bit.  

    Plus, the bachelorette is planned for you and not by you.   So saying that they can come to a party that is in your honor that they may help participate in is also a little rough and can make them question things.  

    Weddings and wedding parties just seem to be emotionally charged.  Years later it's so much easier when weddings are in the past but at this point I'd focus on your friendship as they exist and instead of making excuses leave the wedding out and just focus on maintaining the friendships you want to have long after the white dress is in the back of the closet. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's too late now, but your FI was being ridiculous in telling you how many people you can have in your WP.  That is your decision for your WP and his decision for his WP.  Sides do not need to be even.  It's about honoring one's friends/family, not forming a perfect chorus line!  I'm kind of teasing, but I think you KWIM.

    You're right that you shouldn't have even said anything to your friend that she isn't in the WP.  It's kind of like telling someone about a party that you were thinking about inviting them to, but then didn't.  It doesn't serve any purpose to do that.  She might have been hurt either way, but specifically telling her why she didn't "make the cut" was worse.

    However, the damage is already done.  Don't apologize or try to explain yourself more, unless she brings it up.  I think that will just exacerbate it.  Treat her like you always do.  Nothing is different with the friendship or closeness.  At least on your end and (hopefully) on hers.  Her feelings might be bruised at the moment and I know it hurts you, that you are the reason.  But you didn't do anything wrong in choosing not to have her in your WP and, assuming she is disappointed, that will dissipate over time.  
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It wasn't up to your fiance how many people, or who, should be your attendants. (And vice versa). If this is someone you pre-engagement were close enough to that you were considering asking her to be your bridesmaid, I would have gone ahead and asked her.

    You're right that you shouldn't have defended your decision not to ask her. It was probably more hurtful to her than your actual decision not to ask her. I think your best course of action now is to leave her be. You can invite her to the wedding as a guest, but leave it at that. If you want to repair your friendship with her (if it suffers), do it independently of your wedding.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can see why she's hurt. Any way you slice it, letting your FI choose a random number was more important to you than her. In retrospect, you should have asked the 6 you wanted and told him that he doesn't get a say in your side of the WP. I'm sure that you tried your best to sugar coat it as much as possible, but it's pretty hurtful. 

    At this point, you're probably best to just give her some space. You were her MOH, so she likely considers you one of her best friends. She's learning that you two aren't as close as she thought you were, and she needs to process that. 

    Your can ask the party host to invite her to the bach party, but don't expect that the invitation will be a cure all. It might rub salt in the wound for her to get an invitation from your friends who did make the cut. Rather, once she's had a little time to heal, I would reach out and try to schedule some one-on-one time.
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  • knottiee522d50d24eb5bfdknottiee522d50d24eb5bfd member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    As an overthinker who likes equal wedding parties (uneven sides drives my OCD up the wall and over the roof; I hate the uneven trend), I think it's perfectly reasonable to want an even number (we've accomplished it by trading siblings - I have one brother and my fiancé has one sister, with his older brother acting as an "honor attendant" rather than a groomsman).

    And I also agree with you explaining your selection process to her. I positively hate it when I'm left to wonder the why of things, and your reasoning is perfectly sensible to me: you're choosing your sibling and those you've known the longest, and not choosing any of three friends who you like perfectly fine but haven't known as long. Yes, she was probably expecting a reciprocal wedding party invite after making you her MoH, but there's nothing in the contract that says you must. There isn't even a contract.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    knottiee522d50d24eb5bfd said:
    As an overthinker who likes equal wedding parties (uneven sides drives my OCD up the wall and over the roof; I hate the uneven trend), I think it's perfectly reasonable to want an even number (we've accomplished it by trading siblings - I have one brother and my fiancé has one sister, with his older brother acting as an "honor attendant" rather than a groomsman).

    And I also agree with you explaining your selection process to her. I positively hate it when I'm left to wonder the why of things, and your reasoning is perfectly sensible to me: you're choosing your sibling and those you've known the longest, and not choosing any of three friends who you like perfectly fine but haven't known as long. Yes, she was probably expecting a reciprocal wedding party invite after making you her MoH, but there's nothing in the contract that says you must. There isn't even a contract.
    What is an honor attendant? 

    Sorry, this is terrible advice. You don't ever explain to someone why they're not being included. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    climbingsingle said:
    knottiee522d50d24eb5bfd said:
    As an overthinker who likes equal wedding parties (uneven sides drives my OCD up the wall and over the roof; I hate the uneven trend), I think it's perfectly reasonable to want an even number (we've accomplished it by trading siblings - I have one brother and my fiancé has one sister, with his older brother acting as an "honor attendant" rather than a groomsman).

    And I also agree with you explaining your selection process to her. I positively hate it when I'm left to wonder the why of things, and your reasoning is perfectly sensible to me: you're choosing your sibling and those you've known the longest, and not choosing any of three friends who you like perfectly fine but haven't known as long. Yes, she was probably expecting a reciprocal wedding party invite after making you her MoH, but there's nothing in the contract that says you must. There isn't even a contract.
    What is an honor attendant? 

    Sorry, this is terrible advice. You don't ever explain to someone why they're not being included. 
    Agreed.  The average person does NOT want to know why they weren't asked to be a bridesmaid.  This isn't constructive feedback and coaching for the next job interview.  It's telling a friend where she fits in the hierarchy of your friends and family and it's going to STING. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    knottiee522d50d24eb5bfd said:
    As an overthinker who likes equal wedding parties (uneven sides drives my OCD up the wall and over the roof; I hate the uneven trend), I think it's perfectly reasonable to want an even number (we've accomplished it by trading siblings - I have one brother and my fiancé has one sister, with his older brother acting as an "honor attendant" rather than a groomsman).

    And I also agree with you explaining your selection process to her. I positively hate it when I'm left to wonder the why of things, and your reasoning is perfectly sensible to me: you're choosing your sibling and those you've known the longest, and not choosing any of three friends who you like perfectly fine but haven't known as long. Yes, she was probably expecting a reciprocal wedding party invite after making you her MoH, but there's nothing in the contract that says you must. There isn't even a contract.
    Please do not joke about "my OCD" as an excuse to mistreat friends. OCD is a real mental illness and isn't just some funny excuse for eccentric behavior. Making fun of mental illness and people with illnesses is not ok. 

    If you really have been diagnosed with OCD and it has led to trying to control the balance of friends, you need to visit your doctor and adjust your treatment plan. Clearly your symptoms are not in check. 

    Also, this is really terrible advice. 
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