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Wedding Woes

This week's, "Please seek quality therapy" letter

Dear Prudence,

For five years, I basically raised my boyfriend’s girls, “Kelsey” and “Kendra.” The mother was not in the picture. My relationship with their father grew toxic and abusive. Their father put me in the hospital. I pressed charges, he pleaded out to a year in jail, and his mother took the girls. I was never allowed to say goodbye. They were in elementary school then, and they are grown now.  My heart has been scarred, but I later met a wonderful man and now have three sons of my own.

Kendra recently reached out to me, and the conversation went south quickly. She accused me of abandoning her and her sister. Her father never got help and ended up in and out of jail. She also accused me of “faking” my assault and other vile things. I was so shaken that I couldn’t pick up the keys to my car. I feel such guilt, even though I know there was nothing I could have done differently. I ended up blocking Kendra on social media after she repeatedly tried to contact my family. Now Kelsey is reaching out. She doesn’t act like her sister, but they are close—she just wants to “understand.” I dearly loved these girls once, but all this has made the memories come back. I am having nightmares. My husband tells me I don’t owe them anything. I don’t know what else I can do here.

—Didn’t Fake It

Re: This week's, "Please seek quality therapy" letter

  • Counseling. 

    But also if you want to explain to Kelsey what happened then work with a therapist to figure out how to do this is a way that is safest for you, your H, and you’re kids. 

    While you’re not required to help these women deal with their trauma, if you can it may help you all start to heal. But don’t do this without the assistance of a professional. 
  • Everyone in this needs counseling.  

    LW can respond but I'd probably avoid giving personal details to these people.  They are hurt and have been hurt  by those they're supposed to trust.  They looked to LW as the only person who didn't hurt them and her departure did in the worst way possible because she couldn't be there to protect them.  LW did the best thing for herself and the daughters need a trained professional to help them understand that. 
  • What a sad and awful letter!  It's heartbreaking she could never even say good-bye or explain to those little girls why she had to leave.  And those poor little girls first had a mother who abandoned them.  A father who was abusive and in/out of jail.  And then a stepmother who suddenly disappeared and they felt abandoned again.  Considering the grandparents would not even let the LW say good-bye to the children, I assume they grew up with only vitriol about the LW.  Including that the LW abandoned them, even though that was 100% the grandparents that would not allow a relationship.

    It's so despicable because the people who were hurt the most, were those little girls.  "Don't hate the children you love more than you hate each other."

    If she feels emotionally ready and even better with help from a therapist, I think the LW should respond back to Kelsey.  Try not to throw blame on either the father or grandparents.  But explain that, no matter how much she loved them and had wanted to stay in their lives, she was not allowed to and didn't have any legal rights to challenge it.  It probably won't undue the years of sadness and abandonment the girls had faced.  But maybe it can at least give Kelsey some healing that this maternal figure in their lives maybe wasn't quite the monster that the grandparents/dad had made her out to be.  Plus it will be an opportunity for the LW to give the explanation that she was not allowed to, all of those years ago.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2021
    Before LW can even begin to have a conversation with them, LW needs to figure out how to manage their own PTSD from the situation.  I can see my DH being a, 'you don't owe them anything' type person, so I understand where LW's H is coming from. 

    However, this situation seems so much more complex and I think it may help LW to explain to them what went down.  LW also needs to realize that they need to be at peace after they say their piece, regardless of how it's received  I don't think LW can handle that right now. 
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