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I’m back...

NBSquared2017NBSquared2017 member
Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes
Can I ask some advice? 

Have PPD rules changed? 

My cousin was supposed to get married last May, but with the pandemic it was postponed. Her and her now husband had a wedding ceremony in October, but did not tell anyone but the wedding party and immediate family. 

They rescheduled the wedding for May 2021. I am a bridesmaid and she’s still moving forward with wedding related activities. A bachelorette party in Florida and a bridal shower in Ohio both in March. 

DH and I don’t feel comfortable traveling to states where cases are still rising and I feel like she’s being a little bit selfish because she already married and putting people in this position. 

Would you suck it up and attend events or would you have a conversation with her and let her know that you don’t feel comfortable going to the pre-wedding activities? 

Sorry for the long post.  
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Re: I’m back...

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would be giving some leeway to anyone who has been trying to navigate getting married in a pandemic.  I feel she is doing everything wrong though.

    Everyone should know they got married.  And I would be majorly skipping the b-party in FL!  Depending on the circumstances, I would be ok with the bridal shower.  People around here did bridal and baby showers, but they were outdoors, individual servings of food, spacing out attendees and people wore masks when not eating or drinking.

    In light of rising cases in both locations, I would not attend either.

    I'm in NJ, so we have been doing ok overall.  We had rising numbers from Thanksgiving and Christmas, but are going back down and our rate of transmission has dropped below 1%.  We have also been vaccinating pretty good and close to 1 million first doses administered.  So much of my decisions would be based on that.
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  • NBSquared2017NBSquared2017 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    OliveOilsMom said:
    I would be giving some leeway to anyone who has been trying to navigate getting married in a pandemic.  I feel she is doing everything wrong though.

    Everyone should know they got married.  And I would be majorly skipping the b-party in FL!  Depending on the circumstances, I would be ok with the bridal shower.  People around here did bridal and baby showers, but they were outdoors, individual servings of food, spacing out attendees and people wore masks when not eating or drinking.

    In light of rising cases in both locations, I would not attend either.

    I'm in NJ, so we have been doing ok overall.  We had rising numbers from Thanksgiving and Christmas, but are going back down and our rate of transmission has dropped below 1%.  We have also been vaccinating pretty good and close to 1 million first doses administered.  So much of my decisions would be based on that.
    I’m in SJ! 

    I think we did it right from the beginning. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    NB - That's right neighbor!  I forgot you are close to me!
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So with a baby I would not be traveling out of state, to a bachelorette party until their is widespread vaccinations. I may or may not go to a shower if everyone had quarantines/ negative tests/ everyone had been vaccinated. Or it was outside. Things are better but not over. 

    I’m pretty lenient about getting married then having another ceremony/ reception, but I think in this case you need to let people know. I think this is *more* important in the pandemic because people are going to make decisions based on information they have- you need to be truthful in the information you give people.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wish I could've recorded the one wedding I "officiated" when the guests found out that the couple was already married.  People were pissed and every single guest who did a toast mentioned it in a not-so-nice way.  I knew beforehand and wasn't totally happy about being involved, but I laid some boundaries down for it and they agreed, so I did it anyway (I had been paid and written the danged ceremony already).
    �
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    I wish I could've recorded the one wedding I "officiated" when the guests found out that the couple was already married.  People were pissed and every single guest who did a toast mentioned it in a not-so-nice way.  I knew beforehand and wasn't totally happy about being involved, but I laid some boundaries down for it and they agreed, so I did it anyway (I had been paid and written the danged ceremony already).
    I don’t think I’ve ever heard this story here - but did they plan to tell people at the “wedding”?? Why??
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm trying to remember the exact timeline, b/c it was a women couple and IIRC they were doing a wedding before the final SCOTUS decision came down on marriage equality.  They went for a vacation to FL, which had marriage equality, and decided to get marriage on the beach and just keep quiet about it and still go through with the wedding.

    Then the SCOTUS decision comes down and the families are over the moon about the fact that the marriage will be legally recognized.  The brides are kinda meh (this is mentioned in a toast, which is how I know).

    Day of ceremony: do the ceremony and then we all shift into a room for cocktails, while the room is flipped to the reception.  The brides decide to show the video of their beach wedding at the cocktail hour and basically are like, Surprise, we were already married!!!

    A sister gave a toast at the reception (they had asked us to stay) and said, "I remember when I called you so excited about the SCOTUS decision and you seemed so nonchalant and I was so confused.  Well, I sure know what happened NOW!!"  Few other comments in the toasts.  

    Also, usually me showing up as a Humanist Celebrant in my area is a source of intrigue to most people and at some point I have to end up talking about it.  I had a few family members ask me if I knew and/or was upset.  That was some side stepping awkwardness.
    �
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I usually am totally against a PPD but with the pandemic can give some leeway. However, I think they need to be honest with their guest about already being married. I wouldn't attend a bachelorette or shower in a state that I consider "unsafe" especially if I have to travel to it. I also wouldn't attend a wedding with a baby for the same reason. I would frame my responses to the events in light of the pandemic not the fact that they are already married. I don't think we will be totally out of the woods by May and right now Florida is still a hot mess.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wouldn’t call it a PPD and I think those rules have changed. But I also wouldn’t go. 
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  • NBSquared2017NBSquared2017 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2021
    I let her know I wouldn’t be coming to either event. DH and I just do not feel comfortable. She’s mad 😞

    She said she has to cut her guest list down by 200 people and she had to cancel the makeup artist. She said she just overall disappointed at the whole situation.  

    Edited for spelling 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    #1 that remains - be HONEST that they've already tied the knot.. 

    PPD because of the pandemic do get a LOT of leeway that under normal circumstances wouldn't be the same because in most cases it was entirely out of their control that the original dates were cancelled, in many cases for them and because of contracts they're obligated to have an event or lose 100% of the $$$$$..
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think under the circumstances, I'd be willing to give leeway to the extent that I would be okay with a "wedding" after a legal ceremony, but I would not be okay with passing it off as the original wedding and keeping the legal ceremony secret. Nor would I be okay with attending a wedding-related event out of state in a place with rising Covid rates.

    So I would let your cousin know that while I would be happy to attend her celebration, I would not be willing to keep the original ceremony a secret or to attend any events in risky areas.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Agreed that previous "rules" have been relaxed with Covid.

    My friend was supposed to get married Aug 2020. They canceled, but they still got married on the date. They did not lie, and in fact posted it on social media, sent out announcements, and then sent out new invites for the wedding this year. They've been totally upfront about the fact that they're married. Especially with all going on this year, I don't understand lying. That would really bug me. 

    Also, there's no way in hell I'd be traveling now for wedding related parties, and I think it's ridiculous to expect that of people. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    climbingsingle said:
    Agreed that previous "rules" have been relaxed with Covid.

    My friend was supposed to get married Aug 2020. They canceled, but they still got married on the date. They did not lie, and in fact posted it on social media, sent out announcements, and then sent out new invites for the wedding this year. They've been totally upfront about the fact that they're married. Especially with all going on this year, I don't understand lying. That would really bug me. 

    Also, there's no way in hell I'd be traveling now for wedding related parties, and I think it's ridiculous to expect that of people. 
    I think your friends did it right, @climbingsingle.  I’d
    still go to that one!

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @NBSquared2017, I agree with everyone and am just commenting to say hello!!!  I saw Madison's pic on your other post and she is such a cutie!

    Other than your cousin being mad at you, I hope everything is going well for you and your family.

    I do feel bad for everyone out there that had their weddings so affected by the pandemic.  But, at the same time, her pseudo wedding and all the hoopla...including a destination bachelorette party...doesn't come close to being more important than your family's health.  Especially with a baby involved.

    FWIW, the northern Gulf Coast of FL is my favorite spot for a long weekend because I can drive there.  My H and I usually go about 2x/year.  But we haven't been there since 2019 because of the pandemic, especially because of that particular state's poor policies around it.  Someone should have told them that being a "hot spot" is only good, weather-wise.  Not disease-wise!
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