Dear Prudence,
My wife of eight years is an ICU nurse. She is amazing—but ever since the pandemic began, she has been coming home angry and overwhelmed. I work from home and am in grad school full-time. I work 60-hour weeks. It’s hard for me to cook and care for our family, but I do my best. I drop her lunch off every day, so she can eat hot food and have good coffee. I write her notes and tell her how much I appreciate her hard work. I clean the house and care for the dogs and our kids. I rub her back after each shift and either cook or order dinner. But nothing works to quell her bad mood. She yells at me, the kids, and the dogs. She’s snappy for the remainder of the night. If I cry or shut down to avoid her anger, she gets angry that I am walking on eggshells. She says I make her “feel like a fucking bully.” We got a couple’s counselor. I also have my own. I’m a little “therapied” out right now.
One recent evening, I told her how sad I was about something rude my thesis advisor said, and she shouted that I “bring it on myself.” Later she texted that she was tired from work and apologized. I slept on the couch. I’m tired of our nights ending like this. I can’t imagine being a nurse right now and want to support her, but it’s almost more than I can bear. The kids just go to their rooms, and I can tell they like their mom a lot less. What can I do?
—Trying to Help