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Upset Bridesmaid

knottie851755f2d0356403knottie851755f2d0356403 member
edited February 2021 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have an upset bridesmaid regarding cost, bachelorette location and dates.

I can't help but be bothered by her offering only availability for one weekend out of the suggested 4 months of options and claiming nothing else works for her. The weekend she wants isn't ideal for me (the bride) and another bridesmaid. I also asked them to keep availability approximately 6+ months before so its not due to short notice. This is the only wedding event aside from the wedding itself. 

Now she is complaining about cost/ budget. I want to be sensitive but when I was in her wedding party we spent way more than what my MOH has proposed. Due to cost she is now vetoing every option. I know it is not my place to tell someone how to spend their money so I don't know how to approach this.

I would really like a fun bachelorette as I have had to compromise a lot on this COVID wedding and this is really bothering me as now there is a very negative atmosphere.

I am not planning the bachelorette, they added me to the conversation because things were getting heated between her and the MOH. 

Open to suggestions on how to approach this without conflict hopefully.
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Re: Upset Bridesmaid

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    banana468banana468 member
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    knottie851755f2d0356403 said:
    I have an upset bridesmaid regarding cost, bachelorette location and dates.

    I can't help but be bothered by her offering only availability for one weekend out of the suggested 4 months of options and claiming nothing else works for her. The weekend she wants isn't ideal for me (the bride) and another bridesmaid. I also asked them to keep availability approximately 6+ months before so its not due to short notice.

    Now she is complaining about cost/ budget. I want to be sensitive but when I was in her wedding party we spent way more than what I have proposed. Due to cost she is now vetoing every option. I know it is not my place to tell someone how to spend their money so I don't know how to approach this.

    I would really like a fun bachelorette as I have had to compromise a lot on this COVID wedding and this is really bothering me.

    Open to suggestions on how to approach this without conflict hopefully.
    I think you're going to have to elaborate a lot more on this. 

    For starters you have to look at your wedding through your unique lens.    If you compare to "What I spent on her wedding" it implies that while she planned her wedding she was putting aside equal finances for yours and I don't know many people who work that way.  Also, what if it was reversed?  Side story:  My aunt's former MIL kept a list of her wedding gifts and givers back when she got married in the depression.  When those givers were getting married or had a child get married then she gave the same item.  So givers in the 1980s received a tea towel if that's what she received.  Does that seem fair either?  My point - listen to your friend and her budget.  So many people have different finances now. 

    What are you trying to do for your bachelorette?  Are your bridesmaids close geographically?  When is the wedding? 

    Keep in mind, COVID means A LOT of people are sacrificing.  And of course your wedding is important to you because it's yours.  But in the last 11 months the pandemic has hit people very hard in many ways and for every wedding affected you can hear a half a million people talk about how they buried a relative with no funeral, a graduation occurred over a Zoom meeting, a grandchild hasn't been held by his grandparent yet and siblings haven't been able to even hug each other.    Everyone can talk about their Covid story and the effects of lockdowns and the pandemic and it's going to be important to hear that from everyone even though you may be the only one in your family or friend circle planning a wedding at this time. 
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    I agree with @ei34 on this one..  Allow her the grace to bow out of attending the Bach party if it's out of her budget/not a weekend she's available/etc. It's very rarely that the whole BP/BM/GM are able to attend all events, and in some cases that includes the ceremony/reception itself (due to birth of a child, weather delays, deployment, etc.)..  
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    You shouldn't be proposing cost for anything. Your only involvement in bach party planning should be to supply a guest list and available dates. If someone has offered to throw a party for you, it's up to them to figure out a budget that everyone is comfortable with and then plan something within there. It almost sounds like you're trying to plan your own bach party. 

    Life changes, budgets change. Just because you had $X available to spend on a party when this person got married does not mean that she has the same amount to spend now, and it's certainly not ok for you to tell her you expect her to come up with $X. 
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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    Your BM doesn't need to be at your bachelorette party.  If it's better for you to schedule another weekend, do that.  2 of my 5 BM's were at my bachelorette, 1 girl didn't make it to either shower or the bachelorette and some were only at one event.  Their lives don't stop because you are getting married regardless of how much money you spent on her events. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    If things are heated between her and the MOH then what about just picking up the phone and talking to her?  Have you asked her how things are? 

    There's so much going on for many people right now.  If she has limited availability or funds or is acting far different from how she normally is then you should ask her what may be going on for her.   
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