Dear Prudence,
I love my fiancée very much, and she means the world to me. I’ve been out as non-binary for some years, and privately I am reasonably sure I want to transition. I constantly dream about just waking up as a woman, and I think about it every night before bed. Sometimes I cry when I’m alone about the fact that people see me as a man. The only person who has any idea how bad things are is my fiancée. We’ve talked about it before, and in the past I’ve said I didn’t want to transition. I have some open and supportive people in my life and some who are a lot less accepting, and I’m scared about losing any of them. But now that I’m staring down 30, my attitude is changing quite a bit. My dysphoria is getting pretty bad. I’m still unsure about some things, but I want to spend the next half of my life being myself.
During a conversation about transitioning about a year ago, my fiancée said she would support me and stay with me but effectively begged me to not get surgery. She is rather fond of my genitals and just made it seem like if I transitioned she would feel our relationship would lose something. Now I’m scared of bringing transition up again. I love her immensely, and the idea of losing her scares me, but if I make this choice, I need to commit to it. How should I broach this subject, and what should I do if it goes south?
—Nervous About Transitioning