I'm sure he reads the news, so you don't need to report anything to him.

mrsconn23 · March 2021

Dear Prudence,

My state has made the COVID-19 vaccine available to clinically obese people before the rest of the population (probably sometime next month). My ex-husband and I are generally able to co-parent well, but we are not friendly with each other. We have both been very cautious when it comes to COVID-19 for the duration of the pandemic, and we are both planning to receive the vaccine. He is not at all detail-oriented and is also a very defensive person. He is also clinically obese. I think he probably will either be unaware of his early eligibility for the vaccine or will be too self-conscious to schedule an appointment on the basis of his weight. His immunity will benefit our child and also, by extension, me. If he does not get the vaccine earlier due to his comorbidity, it will likely be several months before he can get it with the general population. Is there a gentle way to bring this up to him?

—Cautious Co-parent

banana468 · March 2021

The only possible way to do this IMO is say, "Have you made your appointment to be vaccinated yet?" That said, if the LW is going to be months out then this may be less of a point.

STARMOON44 · March 2021

No one ever needs you to tell them they are fat! I promise you, we know.

charlotte989875 · March 2021

You’re no longer married, he doesn’t need to share his medical information with you unless it’s directly impacting your child’s health. Yes, I can see the argument that him getting vaccinated helps your child, but unless he’s changing his precautions then you all can keep going the way you’ve been going.

It’s on him to decide if he wants to get vaccinated now. Yes, he should (everyone should!) but it’s not for you to tell him that.

mrsconn23 · March 2021

Why do I have the feeling that LW feeling like they needed to harp on the H about everything was a problem in their marriage and likely played a part in the demise? Yes they can try to couch it in being 'about the kids', but I don't feel the delivery or the receipt is going to go well on either end.

banana468 · March 2021

mrsconn23 said:

Why do I have the feeling that LW feeling like they needed to harp on the H about everything was a problem in their marriage and likely played a part in the demise? Yes they can try to couch it in being 'about the kids', but I don't feel the delivery or the receipt is going to go well on either end.

Exactly. And what is LW trying to accomplish if she can't be vaccinated yet?

VarunaTT · March 2021

Part of the great thing about divorce is that you no longer have to parent an adult.

Take the out and leave him alone about it. There's no gentle way and it's really not your business, as long as he takes care of the kids appropriately until he gets his vaccine on his own timeline, not yours.

Casadena · March 2021

I agree with @banana468 that i think it's totally appropriate to bring up vaccination generally, but I would steer clear of "hey, you're fat enough to get vaccinated". If he's planning to get the vaccine at all (which i hope he is) he is well aware of the requirements to make an appointment.

short+sassy · March 2021

I slightly disagree with you all. I think a way to call the ex's attention to this information, because it is possible he doesn't know it's been opened up, but without being direct or too intrusive, is to send an e-mail/text that says something like, "This is great news! Did you see our state is now allowing people with certain medical conditions to get the vaccine? Here's the link about it." Then let it go.

But now I want to get to my real soapbox, lol. It makes me sad that there is such a huge stigma in our society about being overweight, that people have to walk tiptoes around the subject. For example, if he had a heart condition, the LW could directly say, "Oh hey ex, I'm not sure if you saw this, but our state just opened up vaccines for people with heart conditions." Still not okay to pressure, but at least let them know.

EVEN WORSE, some states are not even F**KING ACKNOWLEDGING that being obese is a major risk factor and do NOT include that medical condition for people to get the vaccine sooner. Even thought it has CLEARLY been known to be a risk factor since almost the beginning of the pandemic. For example, neither Louisiana nor Mississippi do. Neither one include smoking either.

mrsconn23 · March 2021

I see your point @short+sassy. I think the issue is that LW has provided history for context and LW being the messenger is likely not going to go well. I also wonder if LW would 'let it go' with one text, whether or not they get a response. Again I think this is something LW needs to sit back on and not involve themselves in their ex's life/decisions, especially since he has expressed intent to get the vaccine.

On the rest, the rollout has been such bullshit and handled so poorly. And our healthcare system has been ass-backwards for a long time on how it treats anyone who falls outside the male model the whole system is based upon. There is so much shaming and discounting that happens in healthcare that people definitely don't seek it when they should. My mom had a doctor shame her so badly for being overweight that when she was gaining a massive amount of weight for her due to a tumor and fluid build-up, she still hesitated on getting checked out. So yeah, it's complicated AF and hard to talk about and infuriating.

climbingsingle · March 2021

I can understand the wife wanting her ex to get the vaccine for the safety of their child. And I think in this instance, she could simply say "Hey, I think you're eligible for the vaccine, you should look into it."

short+sassy · March 2021

mrsconn23 said:

I see your point @short+sassy. I think the issue is that LW has provided history for context and LW being the messenger is likely not going to go well. I also wonder if LW would 'let it go' with one text, whether or not they get a response. Again I think this is something LW needs to sit back on and not involve themselves in their ex's life/decisions, especially since he has expressed intent to get the vaccine.

On the rest, the rollout has been such bullshit and handled so poorly. And our healthcare system has been ass-backwards for a long time on how it treats anyone who falls outside the male model the whole system is based upon. There is so much shaming and discounting that happens in healthcare that people definitely don't seek it when they should. My mom had a doctor shame her so badly for being overweight that when she was gaining a massive amount of weight for her due to a tumor and fluid build-up, she still hesitated on getting checked out. So yeah, it's complicated AF and hard to talk about and infuriating.

This boils my blood because I had something similar happen to me.

Let me set the background. This was back in the pre-ACA days. So, as usual, anytime I was laid off and could be almost guaranteed I would have a 30-day break in insurance coverage, my next insurance wouldn't pay for anything related to a pre-existing condition for 12 months.

I was FINALLY past my 12 months and could now see a doctor and get lab work and prescriptions again. Fortunately for me, you don't need a prescription to buy some types of insulin, so I was at least still able to buy that without paying hundreds of dollars for a doctor visit and lab work. But such was not the case for my thyroid medication. I have very little natural function left.

I went looking for a new in-network doctor near my work. Picked one and went. I told him about the insurance woes, which was why it had been over 12 months since my last appointment and was especially concerned about my thyroid. I told him my main reason for the visit was to get a prescription for the lab work so I could get back on my thyroid medication

The first thing out of his mouth was, "I can't just give you a thyroid prescription because you're overweight. You need to eat better and exercise." Mind you, we had not even discussed how I ate or how much I exercised. I said, "Yes, I understand that. I didn't ask for a prescription today. I know you will need to see the lab work. That is what I am asking for. As I also mentioned, I was diagnosed with a very low thyroid at the same time I was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes and, with the exception of the last year, have been taking thyroid medication for the last 10 years."

He then tells me he thinks I might have been "mis-diagnosed" and have Type II (related only to weight in younger people), not Type I Diabetes. Me: "I was a fully grown 20-year-old when I was diagnosed and only weighed 102 lbs. Sooo...I don't think I was." (Said with just a slight hint of sarcasm).

Unfortunately, it ended up being a much longer story than that. But those were the highlights.

MyNameIsNot · March 2021

Would you call him up and tell him that he's due for a colonoscopy or a root canal? Why do people think they need to stick their nose in other people's medical issues?

short+sassy · March 2021

MyNameIsNot said:

Would you call him up and tell him that he's due for a colonoscopy or a root canal? Why do people think they need to stick their nose in other people's medical issues?

For me, the COVID vaccine is a different issue because there is so much misinformation...even right out of the horse's mouth (state government, state health dept., media)...and it is CONSTANTLY changing.

So, especially if they had previously talked about the vaccine together...the letter doesn't say that, but it's a common topic of conversation...I don't see any harm in giving someone a head's up they are eligible now. Leave it at that. Don't push it. Let them do what they want with that information. But it's very possible the person doesn't know. Especially since obesity is not a condition that allows someone to get an earlier vaccine in some states.

I followed my state's vaccine eligibility very closely, but that was only because I have a medical condition that I knew would be recognized. But otherwise, I would have had no idea.

Maybe some of this is perspective? Maybe this information is very available and plastered all over the news in other places? But that is NOT true where I live!

For online local news sites, it would be news for one day after the guidelines were changed and then the article was gone. I regularly had to search hither and yon and go way out of my way, just to see what the latest was.

I finally figured out the Louisiana Department of Health website was the place to go, since news outlets were of little help. Except their website was lacking a lot of vital information. INCLUDING they did NOT have consistent information! They had one list of eligible people. That they "repeated" further down the same page. Except one of the eligible people groups was missing on the second list. So, which is it? At the time, I didn't qualify either way so I didn't worry about it. Or maybe I did and it was yet another one of their f**k-ups, lol.

But it was really alarming that even what should be the utmost official channel, can't even get their basic information right.

Edited: to finish a couple thoughts.

kvruns · March 2021

short+sassy said:

For me, the COVID vaccine is a different issue because there is so much misinformation...even right out of the horse's mouth (state government, state health dept., media)...and it is CONSTANTLY changing.

re: misinformation - My bookclub met Tuesday and one lady said she talked to her cousin in Arkansas who told her that the whole state was already vaccinated, their whole family was even the kids. And I was like wait, pump the brakes - vaccines aren't even available to kids unless they're 18 (or maybe 16 for one?), there's no way the entire state is vaccinated, etc. But she had wholeheartedly believed what he said and I was like like O M G.

banana468 · March 2021

My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night.

short+sassy · March 2021

kvruns said:

short+sassy said:

For me, the COVID vaccine is a different issue because there is so much misinformation...even right out of the horse's mouth (state government, state health dept., media)...and it is CONSTANTLY changing.

re: misinformation - My bookclub met Tuesday and one lady said she talked to her cousin in Arkansas who told her that the whole state was already vaccinated, their whole family was even the kids. And I was like wait, pump the brakes - vaccines aren't even available to kids unless they're 18 (or maybe 16 for one?), there's no way the entire state is vaccinated, etc. But she had wholeheartedly believed what he said and I was like like O M G.

I'd been wondering about children and caught an article a couple days ago that talked about that timeline. Yikes! They've started human trials on children 12 and over. But think the earliest they will start trials on children 11 and younger won't be until the end of the year.

I'm sure they are working as quickly as they can to make sure it is safe for children and certainly agree with that. I was just disappointed and a little surprised to hear it's so far in the future. Of course, the more adults vaccinated the better for all. But herd immunity isn't happening until children can receive the vaccine also.

Edited to add: The doctor quoted in the article said it's always more challenging to get medications right for children. They aren't just "mini adults", there can be different needs, side effects, and factors that are involved. However, teenagers are much closer to adults medication-wise, which is why one of the vaccines is already approved for people who are 16 and older and there are already clinical trials for 12 and over.

MyNameIsNot · March 2021

short+sassy said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Would you call him up and tell him that he's due for a colonoscopy or a root canal? Why do people think they need to stick their nose in other people's medical issues?

For me, the COVID vaccine is a different issue because there is so much misinformation...even right out of the horse's mouth (state government, state health dept., media)...and it is CONSTANTLY changing.

So, especially if they had previously talked about the vaccine together...the letter doesn't say that, but it's a common topic of conversation...I don't see any harm in giving someone a head's up they are eligible now. Leave it at that. Don't push it. Let them do what they want with that information. But it's very possible the person doesn't know. Especially since obesity is not a condition that allows someone to get an earlier vaccine in some states.

I followed my state's vaccine eligibility very closely, but that was only because I have a medical condition that I knew would be recognized. But otherwise, I would have had no idea.

Maybe some of this is perspective? Maybe this information is very available and plastered all over the news in other places? But that is NOT true where I live!

For online local news sites, it would be news for one day after the guidelines were changed and then the article was gone. I regularly had to search hither and yon and go way out of my way, just to see what the latest was.

I finally figured out the Louisiana Department of Health website was the place to go, since news outlets were of little help. Except their website was lacking a lot of vital information. INCLUDING they did NOT have consistent information! They had one list of eligible people. That they "repeated" further down the same page. Except one of the eligible people groups was missing on the second list. So, which is it? At the time, I didn't qualify either way so I didn't worry about it. Or maybe I did and it was yet another one of their f**k-ups, lol.

But it was really alarming that even what should be the utmost official channel, can't even get their basic information right.

Edited: to finish a couple thoughts.

I understand what you're saying, I just see it differently. Sure, we need to spread factual data around. My issue is with people telling other people what medical care they should or shouldn't get, in their specific situation.

IMHO, there's a big difference between "vaccines are now open for people with certain medical conditions. Vaccines are safe and everyone should look at the state's website to see when they're eligible." Versus "You are now eligible for a vaccine because you have lupus."

It's sort of the same thing as programs that encourage all kids to get physical activity versus telling your niece that her depression would be cured if she'd exercise more.

banana468 · March 2021

I am curious to see the effects in kiddos. Having a 10 yo and 6 yo if they are approved for their ages I will ask the kids to get them.

short+sassy · March 2021

banana468 said:

I am curious to see the effects in kiddos. Having a 10 yo and 6 yo if they are approved for their ages I will ask the kids to get them.

I'm just being nosy, because I'm not a parent. And no judgement either way. But would you "ask" them, like getting their input/choice about it. Or would you tell them they're getting the vaccine and schedule the appointment.

I vaguely remember there is one vaccine or a booster that I got when I think I was 14 or 15. I most definitely was not given a choice about it, lol. To be fair, I didn't object. I'm not sure what my parents would have done if I had. My guess is they would have thoughtfully listened...countered/explained whatever my angst was...but, in the end, still made me get the vaccine.

mrsconn23 · March 2021

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

I am curious to see the effects in kiddos. Having a 10 yo and 6 yo if they are approved for their ages I will ask the kids to get them.

I'm just being nosy, because I'm not a parent. And no judgement either way. But would you "ask" them, like getting their input/choice about it. Or would you tell them they're getting the vaccine and schedule the appointment.

I vaguely remember there is one vaccine or a booster that I got when I think I was 14 or 15. I most definitely was not given a choice about it, lol. To be fair, I didn't object. I'm not sure what my parents would have done if I had. My guess is they would have thoughtfully listened...countered/explained whatever my angst was...but, in the end, still made me get the vaccine.

There's a lot of vaccines that are required to send your kid to public school. You can try to get a religious exemption, but I believe it's up to the school to accept it (I mean, I guess you could go on and protest it up the chain, but I've never really thought about it since I just get my kids vaccinated). Of course if there's a health reason the child can't have one, it's excused.

As far as, like, flu shots...I just make DefConn get one. He has some shot anxiety, but I'm also not above bribes. I think once the kiddo was a Jr or Sr, it was up to him to get optional vaccinations. I guess I'll have to think about something like Gardasil, since it's recommended, but not required.

I feel like normalizing vaccines and science to kids is so important in these times when misinformation and these 'movements' against science (yes, I'm looking at you, anti-vaxxers) seem to be everywhere you turn. There's no routine vaccination I've heard of that is just for shits and grins, it's to prevent communicable infections/viruses.

short+sassy · March 2021

mrsconn23 said:

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

I am curious to see the effects in kiddos. Having a 10 yo and 6 yo if they are approved for their ages I will ask the kids to get them.

I'm just being nosy, because I'm not a parent. And no judgement either way. But would you "ask" them, like getting their input/choice about it. Or would you tell them they're getting the vaccine and schedule the appointment.

I vaguely remember there is one vaccine or a booster that I got when I think I was 14 or 15. I most definitely was not given a choice about it, lol. To be fair, I didn't object. I'm not sure what my parents would have done if I had. My guess is they would have thoughtfully listened...countered/explained whatever my angst was...but, in the end, still made me get the vaccine.

There's a lot of vaccines that are required to send your kid to public school. You can try to get a religious exemption, but I believe it's up to the school to accept it (I mean, I guess you could go on and protest it up the chain, but I've never really thought about it since I just get my kids vaccinated). Of course if there's a health reason the child can't have one, it's excused.

As far as, like, flu shots...I just make DefConn get one. He has some shot anxiety, but I'm also not above bribes. I think once the kiddo was a Jr or Sr, it was up to him to get optional vaccinations. I guess I'll have to think about something like Gardasil, since it's recommended, but not required.

I feel like normalizing vaccines and science to kids is so important in these times when misinformation and these 'movements' against science (yes, I'm looking at you, anti-vaxxers) seem to be everywhere you turn. There's no routine vaccination I've heard of that is just for shits and grins, it's to prevent communicable infections/viruses.

I assume babies/toddlers protest mightily to getting all those early vaccines, lol. Luckily for them and the rest of society, we don't give a lot of weight to their medical opinions in the form of major tears at that age.

I didn't even think about there might come a day when a COVID vaccination is a requirement to go to public school. But it might stay in the realm of "optional", like flu shots and Gardasil.

Thanks for your perspective. I can see where, once a child is old enough to understand and have an opinion about their medical treatment (for anything, not just vaccines), it can perhaps be a fine line between letting them make their own choices or doing what the parent thinks is best. Not so much vaccines, but I'm sure there are other situations that are not as "cut and dry" like that.

banana468 · March 2021

I make my kids get vaccinated.
-As @mrsconn23 pointed out several are required just to attend school.
-The flu shot is not required but after DH was knocked down for a few days with it last year after being vaccinated, I'll still make them get it. Her case was still far less severe than what I experienced when I had the flu years ago.
-It's important IMO to both normalize vaccines, show the kids that they need to do this as part of their health and stop doubting people who think their Google searches outweigh scientists.

We haven't had the dialogue yet but for now while they're insured by us they'll continue to follow our rules.

We have anti vaxxers in the family. DH's aunt is an anti covid vaxxer and I expressed my extreme displeasure about that to DH already. It potentially means that his 96 yo grandmother is not getting vaccinated which is IMO the worst of bad decisions. There are some family members who report vaccine injuries (like a seizure in the 80s from the DPT) but some of those same family members also contracted thsoe very diseases for which we vaccinate.

We continue to talk to our kids about the need to both protect us AND the herd and it's because of those parts that we need to do our best and deal with the pain in the arm.

short+sassy · March 2021

Anti-vaxxers are so frustrating. But older anti-vaxxers, like over 65, are even more infuriating.

They're old enough to remember kids in their schools contracting diseases like polio and rubella. That were largely eradicated because of vaccines.

They're old enough to remember the last small pox case, not just in the US, in the world. A disease that had decimated mankind for centuries. Completely eradicated worldwide in less than 200 years, thanks to vaccines.

banana468 · March 2021

short+sassy said:

Anti-vaxxers are so frustrating. But older anti-vaxxers, like over 65, are even more infuriating.

They're old enough to remember kids in their schools contracting diseases like polio and rubella. That were largely eradicated because of vaccines.

They're old enough to remember the last small pox case, not just in the US, in the world. A disease that had decimated mankind for centuries. Completely eradicated worldwide in less than 200 years, thanks to vaccines.

It's hard. I get the desire to not inflict pain upon family members if you saw them suffer previously.

But should the grandmother contract Covid (which carries a higher possibility if she lives with people who aren't vaccinated) that is SUCH a horrible disease to contract. And at her age, she's not going to be able to fight it well and a Covid death is agonizing, painful and isolating. She doesn't deserve that misery.

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2021

I have no tolerance for anti-vaxxers. I especially have no tolerance for people who are anti-covid vaccine but not vaccines in general. They are just ignoring what has gone on for the past year and all those people who have died or become seriously ill. They are making a political statement where it isn't a political issue.

As long as our kids were minors they had to be vaccinated. Colleges require some vaccines too. When DD was asked about the Gardasil vax (she was 19 I think) she called me to ask what I thought. I told her to most definitely get it- and told her why. She did.

VarunaTT · March 2021

My grandmother has a scar on her head from the measles because she was one of the kids that developed encephalitis from it. My doctor told me one time that she was lucky she even had a doctor at that time who knew how to treat encephalitis. She gets irate over people not taking vaccines. Even she hesitated over the covid vaccine, but once I sent her some info, she took it gladly (she thought it was a rush production and I had to show her it wasn't really).

I'm sure he reads the news, so you don't need to report anything to him.

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