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Can I invite ladies to the bridal shower but not the wedding?

knottie55c1b6fff3a02fd6knottie55c1b6fff3a02fd6 newb
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in Wedding Woes
I know this is taboo....everything I have read says NO....but not quite with my circumstances

I am having a super small destination wedding. I do however have some family female members and a work colleague that I wish I could invite - there just isnt space on the guest list of 35 people. I would like to have a get together with them before the wedding. 

The plan is a pamper party with some wine and snacks. I would pay for everything and gifts are specifically not required. If they feel like it they can make a small donation to a cancer association I support.

Can I do this? Or would I be crucified?

In the list of 15 people I want to invite to the pamper party, 5 will not be attending the wedding.

They are aware that they may not receive a wedding invitation and seem okay with it. But would I be crossing the line inviting them to the bridal shower and not the wedding?

Should I maybe call it something else?

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Re: Can I invite ladies to the bridal shower but not the wedding?

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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    First of all, I hope you aren't planning your own bridal shower. That is against etiquette. Someone else should be hosting the shower not you. If no one has offered, then you don't have a shower. Secondly, what you outline above sounds more like a girl's night out. Gifts are required at a shower - that is the whole reason for a shower. It is about the only time (that I can think of) where a gift is required. Thirdly, please don't ask guests to make donations to a charity. That is very controversial since you are basically asking people to support something they may not want to support financially. Also you shouldn't ask people for money which is what you are basically doing.

    To answer your question though, people who aren't invited to the wedding aren't invited to showers (or other wedding related activities). It doesn't matter what the circumstances are - and yours aren't really any different than other brides who have destination weddings. That being said, if your girls' night out doesn't revolve around wedding stuff there is no reason they can't be invited. It just depends on how the evening is put together. If you are inviting people by word of mouth with no mention of a registry, I would say go for it. If the host is sending out invitations that name the evening a shower and list a registry, then no these people shouldn't be invited.
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    knottie55c1b6fff3a02fd6knottie55c1b6fff3a02fd6 newb
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    Hi. thank you for the response. No I will not be hosting, but I have given my sister a budget as I would prefer to pay for it. 

    It wont be a girls night out either. It will be at a hotel offering spa packages.

    I hear what you are saying about the people I invite. We will not have a registry, but the party will be a pre-wedding bash so to speak.

    Guess I will have to re-think or re-word.

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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 2021
    If you are wanting things to be in accordance with proper etiquette, I believe you should make this event not tied to your wedding at all.  If you want to do a spa day with your friends, go for it.  Just because it's before your wedding does not mean it has to have to be part of the lead up to the wedding.  

    If your sister wants to throw a shower for you, I'd make a guest list of only the people invited to your DW.  

    However since I don't live your life and am not in your interpersonal relationships, what proper etiquette says and what people will be upset by may be two different things. If you've been having the conversations about the fact that you are having a small DW and people understand why they aren't invited and are still excited/happy for you, then you may be OK.   If anything is branded as a pre-wedding activity and you want to invite people that aren't invited to your DW, you need to have an individual conversation with them.  If you can't do that because you're worried about upsetting someone, then I believe you'd need to rethink your plans. 

    These activities should be a time of fun and enjoyment, not something that's going to cause hurt feelings.  Good luck and I hope whatever is planned is a fun day. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I’d say it’s totally fine to invite people out for a day/evening before the wedding and to pay for them all. What a lovely thing to do for your friends. I wouldn’t call it a shower (since that does imply gifts and might make people feel bad they aren’t invited to the wedding). Girls day out is great and if it’s shortly before the wedding people will get what you’re doing. 
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Time out with friends is fine but tying this to a wedding event is what makes it not OK. 

    When you opt for smaller destination weddings or smaller weddings in general that comes with smaller pre-wedding parties. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This sounds more bachelorette party than shower tbh.

    Shower is like a party, even if you don't need or want anything, it's meant for fun games etc
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    It sounds like you don't really want to make this a shower, but you're forcing it into the shower box while removing the shower elements. 

    I would just have this party, host it yourself, and don't make it wedding related (or a consolation for those that didn't make the wedding cut). It's ok to just have a party or gathering for no reason or only for the reason of wanting to spend time together. Just call it a spa day with friends and enjoy each other. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Nope. Make this a non-wedding event. Regardless of the circumstances, you cannot invite people to a wedding related event and then not invite them to the wedding. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Absolutely not. You chose to have a wedding too small to invite them to. Your circumstances are not special or unique. This is rude dont do it. 
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    ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You can definitely host your friends for a spa day, just don’t tie it to your wedding at all, since not everyone is invited to the wedding.  
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    CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This doesnt scream shower to me though....

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