Wedding Party

Bridesmaids won’t help

I’m getting married in September and have nothing planned. My bridesmaids all live within 1-2 hours of me and haven’t done anything. I’ve made plans with my MOH multiple times and she’s “forgotten” or completely not brought the plans back up. Whenever I text them about anything it’s like a hassle to get them to reply or have a discussion. For example, I asked what they thought about a wedding shower and their replies were “we’ll if you want to I guess; let us know because it’s something else we need to plan”. I feel like I’m 100% alone planning this wedding, besides from my mom, but it’s really affecting my mental health. Please someone talk to me about this issue. 

Re: Bridesmaids won’t help

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’m getting married in September and have nothing planned. My bridesmaids all live within 1-2 hours of me and haven’t done anything. I’ve made plans with my MOH multiple times and she’s “forgotten” or completely not brought the plans back up. Whenever I text them about anything it’s like a hassle to get them to reply or have a discussion. For example, I asked what they thought about a wedding shower and their replies were “we’ll if you want to I guess; let us know because it’s something else we need to plan”. I feel like I’m 100% alone planning this wedding, besides from my mom, but it’s really affecting my mental health. Please someone talk to me about this issue. 
    Where is your partner? That's the person who should be helping you plan this wedding! This is not your bridesmaids' or your mother's responsibility. It is, however, the responsibility of the other person getting married. 

    It sucks that your MOH blew you off, but otherwise your bridesmaids aren't doing anything wrong. Bridesmaids are not responsible for helping you wedding plan, and they shouldn't be asked or told to throw a shower. It's not surprising that they're not responding to wedding questions when they don't want to plan your wedding and feel like you're pushing it on them. 

    My advice is to sit down and have a CTJ meeting with your partner. Why are they doing nothing and leaving you to expect friends and family to pick up the slack? Do they understand that you're stressed to the point of hurting your mental health while they stand by doing nothing? Do they expect that you will do everything once you're married as well? It sounds like your partner really needs to step up, but it's also worth considering whether you need to cut back on plans or hire some help. 
    ei34short+sassy
  • I think you need to compartmentalize a bit of this.
    -Any pre wedding event is thrown for you and not by you.  That includes but is not limited to showers, bachelorette parties, etc.  With a wedding in September, I wouldn't even think of planning one yet even if the world wasn't trying to get out of a pandemic and the pandemic is even more of a reason that it isn't a great time to plan. 

    -Consider restrictions and timing for your BMs.  Right now my state actually requests people to not leave it.  If I have a doctor appointment I am not going to be seen if I've been out of state in the last two weeks.  Please consider that if your BMs are both 1-2 hours away and out of state (where I live 2 hours is out of state based on state size).   Even if they wanted to do anything they most likely can't. 

    -There's a bit of a misunderstanding about wedding planning.  The bridesmaids aren't wedding planners.  They stand up with you on your wedding day but they aren't unpaid planners or receiving action items.  Wedding planning is for you and your FI to do.  
    It can seem like a daunting task but start to make your lists and consider buying a wedding planning book which can outline timing that is best to check off those actions.  Then you can start to feel more accomplished and also know what things aren't even needed.   

    Remember, a wedding contains much of the same parts as a funeral and those can be put together in just a few days.   Take a big breath, a bath and know that this is all doable.  
    ei34VarunaTT
  • I'm also getting married in September and I'll be honest, this gives me second hand anxiety LOL.
    I'll start with a response to the ones saying that you and your fiancé are the ones who plan all of these things, not your mother or bridesmaids - I disagree. Is anything your bridesmaids or mother's responsibility? Technically, no. But when you agree to be a bridesmaid, and a MOH at that, you agree to take on some things. Including planning your bride a shower and Bach, IMO. Maybe I'm just a lot more blessed with the friends I have, but my MOH has put me on a pedestal and made me feel like a princess. My fiancé does that too and helps as much as I ask of him, but this is something you want to experience with your girls and your mom, in a different way. My bridesmaids have come together and planned a killer bachelorette for me, a wedding and bridal shower, and constant support. So I totally feel for you, and hate that other's feel like your friends don't have to be that for you. Do you need to throw any financial burden to them, no. But they should absolutely help make you feel special during your engagement - I'll argue that to anyone who thinks otherwise. Despite being a bride, your friends should be some of your biggest supporters, your engagement is just one example.
    If I were you, I would try to pull out some of your own motivation and let yourself get excited for you upcoming wedding. If that means doing everything yourself, so be it. But I would reevaluate your friendships if they don't care to even be a support system for you.
    Get yourself a list of things to get done - start with the vendors. With Covid weddings, things are taken fast, so get all of those ducks in a row and then you can worry about the fun showers and Bach parties.
    If you don't have anyone helping you or supporting you, feel free to message me and I will help you mentally anyway I can.
    knottie1348a55fac80042b
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your bridesmaids and MOH are under ZERO OBLIGATION to plan parties and your wedding. Full stop. 
    banana468
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm also getting married in September and I'll be honest, this gives me second hand anxiety LOL.
    I'll start with a response to the ones saying that you and your fiancé are the ones who plan all of these things, not your mother or bridesmaids - I disagree. Is anything your bridesmaids or mother's responsibility? Technically, no. But when you agree to be a bridesmaid, and a MOH at that, you agree to take on some things. Including planning your bride a shower and Bach, IMO. Maybe I'm just a lot more blessed with the friends I have, but my MOH has put me on a pedestal and made me feel like a princess. My fiancé does that too and helps as much as I ask of him, but this is something you want to experience with your girls and your mom, in a different way. My bridesmaids have come together and planned a killer bachelorette for me, a wedding and bridal shower, and constant support. So I totally feel for you, and hate that other's feel like your friends don't have to be that for you. Do you need to throw any financial burden to them, no. But they should absolutely help make you feel special during your engagement - I'll argue that to anyone who thinks otherwise. Despite being a bride, your friends should be some of your biggest supporters, your engagement is just one example.
    If I were you, I would try to pull out some of your own motivation and let yourself get excited for you upcoming wedding. If that means doing everything yourself, so be it. But I would reevaluate your friendships if they don't care to even be a support system for you.
    Get yourself a list of things to get done - start with the vendors. With Covid weddings, things are taken fast, so get all of those ducks in a row and then you can worry about the fun showers and Bach parties.
    If you don't have anyone helping you or supporting you, feel free to message me and I will help you mentally anyway I can.
    The key words are they may want to do these things for you and that is great! However, your bridesmaids and MOH aren't obligated to do any parties or planning for your wedding. If they offer to give a shower or bachelorette - awesome take them up on it. If they offer to help you pick out your dress, flowers or whatever great - let them. However, do not expect them to do it.
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2021
    I'm also getting married in September and I'll be honest, this gives me second hand anxiety LOL.
    I'll start with a response to the ones saying that you and your fiancé are the ones who plan all of these things, not your mother or bridesmaids - I disagree. Is anything your bridesmaids or mother's responsibility? Technically, no. But when you agree to be a bridesmaid, and a MOH at that, you agree to take on some things. Including planning your bride a shower and Bach, IMO. Maybe I'm just a lot more blessed with the friends I have, but my MOH has put me on a pedestal and made me feel like a princess. My fiancé does that too and helps as much as I ask of him, but this is something you want to experience with your girls and your mom, in a different way. My bridesmaids have come together and planned a killer bachelorette for me, a wedding and bridal shower, and constant support. So I totally feel for you, and hate that other's feel like your friends don't have to be that for you. Do you need to throw any financial burden to them, no. But they should absolutely help make you feel special during your engagement - I'll argue that to anyone who thinks otherwise. Despite being a bride, your friends should be some of your biggest supporters, your engagement is just one example.
    If I were you, I would try to pull out some of your own motivation and let yourself get excited for you upcoming wedding. If that means doing everything yourself, so be it. But I would reevaluate your friendships if they don't care to even be a support system for you.
    Get yourself a list of things to get done - start with the vendors. With Covid weddings, things are taken fast, so get all of those ducks in a row and then you can worry about the fun showers and Bach parties.
    If you don't have anyone helping you or supporting you, feel free to message me and I will help you mentally anyway I can.
    You are 100% wrong. You just told someone to get rid of friends because they don't want to plan her wedding.

    This is such as sad way to look at friendship. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Man I hope no one ever puts me on a pedestal. Support for a marriage and relationship has nothing to do with planning and paying for extraneous pre-wedding events. 


    image
    MyNameIsNot
  • I'm also getting married in September and I'll be honest, this gives me second hand anxiety LOL.
    I'll start with a response to the ones saying that you and your fiancé are the ones who plan all of these things, not your mother or bridesmaids - I disagree. Is anything your bridesmaids or mother's responsibility? Technically, no. But when you agree to be a bridesmaid, and a MOH at that, you agree to take on some things. Including planning your bride a shower and Bach, IMO. Maybe I'm just a lot more blessed with the friends I have, but my MOH has put me on a pedestal and made me feel like a princess. My fiancé does that too and helps as much as I ask of him, but this is something you want to experience with your girls and your mom, in a different way. My bridesmaids have come together and planned a killer bachelorette for me, a wedding and bridal shower, and constant support. So I totally feel for you, and hate that other's feel like your friends don't have to be that for you. Do you need to throw any financial burden to them, no. But they should absolutely help make you feel special during your engagement - I'll argue that to anyone who thinks otherwise. Despite being a bride, your friends should be some of your biggest supporters, your engagement is just one example.
    If I were you, I would try to pull out some of your own motivation and let yourself get excited for you upcoming wedding. If that means doing everything yourself, so be it. But I would reevaluate your friendships if they don't care to even be a support system for you.
    Get yourself a list of things to get done - start with the vendors. With Covid weddings, things are taken fast, so get all of those ducks in a row and then you can worry about the fun showers and Bach parties.
    If you don't have anyone helping you or supporting you, feel free to message me and I will help you mentally anyway I can.
    FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!! I’ve run into all replies being from people who sound older and are out of touch with how today’s world works. Your friends should want to help you and support you. Granted i’ve done most of the planning myself, I do love the help i’m getting from most of my bridesmaids. A simple “how are the wedding plans going?” helps tremendously! Don’t listen to the negative comments. Do your best to be excited for the wedding throughout it all!
    knottie7ec2b9ddce083511
  • I'm also getting married in September and I'll be honest, this gives me second hand anxiety LOL.
    I'll start with a response to the ones saying that you and your fiancé are the ones who plan all of these things, not your mother or bridesmaids - I disagree. Is anything your bridesmaids or mother's responsibility? Technically, no. But when you agree to be a bridesmaid, and a MOH at that, you agree to take on some things. Including planning your bride a shower and Bach, IMO. Maybe I'm just a lot more blessed with the friends I have, but my MOH has put me on a pedestal and made me feel like a princess. My fiancé does that too and helps as much as I ask of him, but this is something you want to experience with your girls and your mom, in a different way. My bridesmaids have come together and planned a killer bachelorette for me, a wedding and bridal shower, and constant support. So I totally feel for you, and hate that other's feel like your friends don't have to be that for you. Do you need to throw any financial burden to them, no. But they should absolutely help make you feel special during your engagement - I'll argue that to anyone who thinks otherwise. Despite being a bride, your friends should be some of your biggest supporters, your engagement is just one example.
    If I were you, I would try to pull out some of your own motivation and let yourself get excited for you upcoming wedding. If that means doing everything yourself, so be it. But I would reevaluate your friendships if they don't care to even be a support system for you.
    Get yourself a list of things to get done - start with the vendors. With Covid weddings, things are taken fast, so get all of those ducks in a row and then you can worry about the fun showers and Bach parties.
    If you don't have anyone helping you or supporting you, feel free to message me and I will help you mentally anyway I can.
    FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!! I’ve run into all replies being from people who sound older and are out of touch with how today’s world works. Your friends should want to help you and support you. Granted i’ve done most of the planning myself, I do love the help i’m getting from most of my bridesmaids. A simple “how are the wedding plans going?” helps tremendously! Don’t listen to the negative comments. Do your best to be excited for the wedding throughout it all!
    In exactly what world do you think the "older" people live?  
    charlotte989875MyNameIsNotJen4948
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    I'm also getting married in September and I'll be honest, this gives me second hand anxiety LOL.
    I'll start with a response to the ones saying that you and your fiancé are the ones who plan all of these things, not your mother or bridesmaids - I disagree. Is anything your bridesmaids or mother's responsibility? Technically, no. But when you agree to be a bridesmaid, and a MOH at that, you agree to take on some things. Including planning your bride a shower and Bach, IMO. Maybe I'm just a lot more blessed with the friends I have, but my MOH has put me on a pedestal and made me feel like a princess. My fiancé does that too and helps as much as I ask of him, but this is something you want to experience with your girls and your mom, in a different way. My bridesmaids have come together and planned a killer bachelorette for me, a wedding and bridal shower, and constant support. So I totally feel for you, and hate that other's feel like your friends don't have to be that for you. Do you need to throw any financial burden to them, no. But they should absolutely help make you feel special during your engagement - I'll argue that to anyone who thinks otherwise. Despite being a bride, your friends should be some of your biggest supporters, your engagement is just one example.
    If I were you, I would try to pull out some of your own motivation and let yourself get excited for you upcoming wedding. If that means doing everything yourself, so be it. But I would reevaluate your friendships if they don't care to even be a support system for you.
    Get yourself a list of things to get done - start with the vendors. With Covid weddings, things are taken fast, so get all of those ducks in a row and then you can worry about the fun showers and Bach parties.
    If you don't have anyone helping you or supporting you, feel free to message me and I will help you mentally anyway I can.
    FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!! I’ve run into all replies being from people who sound older and are out of touch with how today’s world works. Your friends should want to help you and support you. Granted i’ve done most of the planning myself, I do love the help i’m getting from most of my bridesmaids. A simple “how are the wedding plans going?” helps tremendously! Don’t listen to the negative comments. Do your best to be excited for the wedding throughout it all!
    In exactly what world do you think the "older" people live?  
    Poor us, stuck in an outdated world where things that don't actually matter don't matter, and friends don't exist solely to make you feel special just because you happen to getting married.

    Also I'm 31. Ancient.
    charlotte989875Jen4948
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What we have is perspective. Honestly, it was great to come to the message boards when I was actually preparing to get married, and hear from people who have already had their weddings about what truly did matter in hindsight, and what did not. Take it for what it is.
    climbingsinglebanana468charlotte989875Jen4948
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What a shame that you came here thinking you know better than everyone. What a shame that you didn't want to actually get advice. 

    I'm 40, I'm not over the hill. In the metro area where I live, we're not all getting married right out of college. I have friends and relatives all currently getting married. I was last in a wedding in 2019. I'm attending a wedding next month. I'd hardly say that's out of touch. 
    MyNameIsNot
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