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MOH pleading for diff dress color?

lisaclappsoontobeankromlisaclappsoontobeankrom member
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edited May 2021 in Moms and Maids
So my best friend is my maid of honor. I’ve bounced a few planning ideas off of her, but am obviously spearheading pretty much everything myself. We’ve talked a little bit about BM attire, I mentioned probably just selecting a site that offers multiple styles in one color, for continuity’s sake, and then asking the three of them to just pick their favorite style. Simple. Wedding color is emerald green, so obviously thinking green dresses. I sent her a link to a site I was looking at, she sends back a screenshot of a black dress and says, “if this were black instead of green, I’d be able to wear it all the time”
She has since mentioned/“hinted”/pleaded for black no less than five times in the past month since I started planning. “I get sweaty and it could show through if it’s not black” “I always wear all black” and it’s driving me crazy! She’s even suggested that she wear black but the other two wear green... gtfoooooo!

Part of me says, who cares, if you’re happier in black, black it is. The other part of me says I really prefer green because I’m not having a dang black and white wedding. And it’s irritating how willingly vocal she is about changing what I’m envisioning for MY wedding because it’s what SHE wants. That’s weird right? A groomsman wouldn’t say “ya know, I know you wanted us to wear black suits, but I really prefer blue, so can we wear that instead?” 

I don’t know.. any advice or anecdotes are welcome. Maybe I just need to vent because now it sounds silly. “I appreciate your input and respect your concerns, but I really want the dresses to be green” is all I have to say. But why does that seem so hard to do?!
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Re: MOH pleading for diff dress color?

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    geebee908geebee908 member
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    knottie8d4d29282b514967 said:
    So my best friend is my maid of honor. I’ve bounced a few planning ideas off of her, but am obviously spearheading pretty much everything myself. We’ve talked a little bit about BM attire, I mentioned probably just selecting a site that offers multiple styles in one color, for continuity’s sake, and then asking the three of them to just pick their favorite style. Simple. Wedding color is emerald green, so obviously thinking green dresses. I sent her a link to a site I was looking at, she sends back a screenshot of a black dress and says, “if this were black instead of green, I’d be able to wear it all the time”
    She has since mentioned/“hinted”/pleaded for black no less than five times in the past month since I started planning. “I get sweaty and it could show through if it’s not black” “I always wear all black” and it’s driving me crazy! She’s even suggested that she wear black but the other two wear green... gtfoooooo!

    Part of me says, who cares, if you’re happier in black, black it is. The other part of me says I really prefer green because I’m not having a dang black and white wedding. And it’s irritating how willingly vocal she is about changing what I’m envisioning for MY wedding because it’s what SHE wants. That’s weird right? A groomsman wouldn’t say “ya know, I know you wanted us to wear black suits, but I really prefer blue, so can we wear that instead?” 

    I don’t know.. any advice or anecdotes are welcome. Maybe I just need to vent because now it sounds silly. “I appreciate your input and respect your concerns, but I really want the dresses to be green” is all I have to say. But why does that seem so hard to do?!
    I know it doesn't seem like a big ask to you; it's the way weddings have been done forever. But, it seems like a big deal to her and maybe for another reason she's not comfortable telling you about because you're the bride? Have you asked each bridesmaid individually and in private about what they're comfortable spending on a dress? I'd dig a littler deeper into this.

    In the end what is more important to you-- the dress your friend is wearing or your friend?
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    lisaclappsoontobeankromlisaclappsoontobeankrom member
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    It has nothing to do with price.. in fact I’m making sure I keep them under $100 and even considering purchasing them myself if I can work it into the budget and they know that. She literally just wants black so she can wear it again because she only wears black and she keeps coming up with “reasons” for me. We are very close and have very honest and open communication. 

    There are a few other hijacking things going on, too, that make this even more disconcerting—insisting on me growing my own flowers instead of the simple artificial bouquets I was going to do, being mildly upset that I chose a different dress than the one that was her favorite, etc. Those are easy enough to work around because I can just do them, but I think it’s all part of a larger issue...
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    geebee908geebee908 member
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    knottie8d4d29282b514967 said:
    It has nothing to do with price.. in fact I’m making sure I keep them under $100 and even considering purchasing them myself if I can work it into the budget and they know that. She literally just wants black so she can wear it again because she only wears black and she keeps coming up with “reasons” for me. We are very close and have very honest and open communication. 

    There are a few other hijacking things going on, too, that make this even more disconcerting—insisting on me growing my own flowers instead of the simple artificial bouquets I was going to do, being mildly upset that I chose a different dress than the one that was her favorite, etc. Those are easy enough to work around because I can just do them, but I think it’s all part of a larger issue...
    I don't have much more for you then. Is she married? If not, I might try to approach things like the flowers in a "let's keep that in mind for your wedding" and move on to a new subject. I'd be inclined not to discuss wedding details with her if she's being pushy.

    You do still need to address the dress issue though, since she's the one wearing it. Do you foresee it being an issue that alters your relationship in the long-term? Is it a hill you want to die on?
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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    It's nice if a bridesmaid dress can be put to other use down the road, but it's not required of you to choose something that they can wear again. If that's truly the reason she keeps bugging you about a black dress, you're allowed to tell her no and that you're sticking with emerald green for everyone.

    That being said, do you think it could screw up your friendship if you don't let her wear black, and is it really worth that risk? How would you feel about the other two bridesmaids wearing emerald green and her wearing a black dress with some emerald green accents/accessories so she'd still coordinate with them? 

    For anything beyond the dress, I'd say stop sharing details with her and to remind her (firmly but politely) about anything she pushes on that it is your wedding and you're doing what makes sense for you, then change the subject. It's one thing to accommodate her on something that she has to wear, but you don't have to cater to her preferences beyond that.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Does she truly only wear black? Or like the majority of her clothes? I agree that the bride gets to pick the color of dresses, but in this case it seems like a big deal to her. I’ve never worn a BM dress again and it sucks but it’s usually part of the deal. 

    I guess it depends on how much you care about the color of the dress and potentially making your closest friend uncomfortable. 

    For what it’s worth I wish I would have just told my BMs to just show up in any dress they wanted. Any color. Any fabric. Who cares so long as they were comfortable. 
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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    If your MOH is that uncomfortable I would just let her wear black.  It's very normal for the MOH to wear a different color anyway.  I think it would be helpful to really try and look at the situation from the outside.  Are you annoyed because you don't think she be pushing back at all because it's YOUR wedding?  Or do you really actually care specifically about everyone being in green?  Overall, it's your choice at the end of the day, but i would want my MOH (and BM's too) to be comfortable in what I chose, especially if they have to pay for it.  
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    banana468banana468 member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Does she truly only wear black? Or like the majority of her clothes? I agree that the bride gets to pick the color of dresses, but in this case it seems like a big deal to her. I’ve never worn a BM dress again and it sucks but it’s usually part of the deal. 

    I guess it depends on how much you care about the color of the dress and potentially making your closest friend uncomfortable. 

    For what it’s worth I wish I would have just told my BMs to just show up in any dress they wanted. Any color. Any fabric. Who cares so long as they were comfortable. 
    Also this!  Years later and looking back, I wish I told them to pick any black dress.   We coordinated and added color with shawls which made the look fine. 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Casadena said:
    If your MOH is that uncomfortable I would just let her wear black.  It's very normal for the MOH to wear a different color anyway.  I think it would be helpful to really try and look at the situation from the outside.  Are you annoyed because you don't think she be pushing back at all because it's YOUR wedding?  Or do you really actually care specifically about everyone being in green?  Overall, it's your choice at the end of the day, but i would want my MOH (and BM's too) to be comfortable in what I chose, especially if they have to pay for it.  
    I totally agree with this. 

    Yes, OP, you're the bride and you are within your rights to put your foot down and tell her that she can wear emerald or be a guest, but I just don't think it's really a hill worth dying on if she's really not comfortable in green. This is just one small thing in the grand scheme of your friendship. MOHs wear different colors all the time, and you could easily accent a black dress with a wrap or accent to tie the look together. 

    Looking back at my wedding, I have wonderful memories of having my closest friends stand next to me and celebrate with me, but their dresses just didn't matter much. When I look back at our photos, I barely even notice what they were wearing. I'm looking at the big smiles and remembering how we were cracking each other up trying to learn whatever goofy dance was trendy that year.  
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I'd honestly rather have my MOH happy and comfortable than putting her in a dress that matched my "vision". Especially if she's worried about sweating and having it show. I had a friend that would sweat a lot and I know she'd get super embarrassed by it. 

    In the long run, you aren't going to remember the color of the dresses, and no one else will either. You'll remember the great moments from the day. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Well, I can understand your wanting her to be happy and comfortable in a dress of her own choice while not wanting her to control your wedding.

    Maybe you can work out an arrangement where you give her some leeway about the dress, but put your foot down that this is not her wedding to control and if there are any other arrangements that don't meet with her satisfaction, she can suck it up.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    edited May 2021
    I can understand both perspectives on this, and IMO, the Bride picks the BM dress color at minimum.  Yes, she "only" wears Black, and Emerald Green may be her least favorite color on the full spectrum..  There's also darker shades of Emerald on the spectrum, but end of the day, it's still your wedding, and if you want the cohesion in style rather than everyone and one, that's your choice too.  While places like Davids carries sashes that are in different colors, I suspect if you're steamrolled on this one you're going to look at your pictures wishing something else.  

    This may be a good area to "Bean Dip" on, and I like the PP idea of if she's still single to "Let's remember this for planning your wedding!", especially if you pay for the dresses.  The reality is, almost no one ever wears a BM dress again, even if it's in Black.  Otherwise, there's always combining the two colors as an option (do a quick google for "Black and Green Formal Gown" and you'll find a number of ideas)..  End of the day, your decision...
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    ei34ei34 member
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    I see both sides.  I asked my MOHs and BM to pick any dress they liked and all 3 actually went with black.  I get it- it’s a flattering color.  I personally feel great in it.  Love banana’s suggestion about incorporating an emerald green sash to a black dress if vision/matching is important. 

    I get your frustration though.  It’s pretty standard for the bride to pick the color and WP picks their style. You’re even offering to pay.  So I hear you.  I’d personally let her just wear black but I get you coming here to vent.  
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