Selfish for opting for a destination wedding?

Re: Selfish for opting for a destination wedding?

• flantastic member

  

  June 2021 edited June 2021

  from318to410 said:

  My fiancée and I are newly engaged. She lives in Maryland, and my home state is Louisiana. I’m currently dividing my time between the two until I move in after we get married. It’s a LDR, and we’re about to bridge the gap legally. We decided to have a wedding in New Orleans because it’s a place near and dear to us. It just so happens that my most of my immediate family live in the state, but they’ll still have to travel, pay for hotel accommodations, etc. The reality is, it would be one or both sides having to pay for travel regardless as to where we decided on. We reside in two different states, so that’s unavoidable.
  
  

  My FMIL initially complained because of our location of choice. She basically felt like we were in the wrong for not having in the DMV area. My FMIL has alluded to the fact that she can’t afford to fly in for the weekend, and she essentially is the expecting my fiancée/us to foot the bill. My fiancée has said she’s unwilling to do that, and her mother will just have to watch on Zoom. (They have a very challenging relationship and dynamic, so my fiancée is truly unconcerned with how her mother will get there or if she’s there.)
  
  In a LDR, how does one go about satisfying all parties when it comes to the logistics of a wedding? I realize that when choosing a destination wedding, some guests may not be thrilled about having to travel or spending additional money on a place they didn’t choose. Are we selfish for not moving the wedding to the area where my fiancée lives just so her mother can attend? The catch-22 with that is my parents, grandmother, and four siblings (nephews/niece).would all have to buy plane tickets and pay for hotels. We’d also have to shift our plans and start over from scratch because we’ve connected and bonded with our officiant, selected a catering company, found a bakery, etc. 
  
  Would y’all try to convince your fiancée to pay her mother’s way—even though she’s adamantly against it? Part of me doesn’t want my in-laws looking at me like this plan was done deliberately to keep them away and out. It’s not at all like that.
  

  What you guys are currently doing is entirely reasonable. When two families live in different locales, one or both of them will have to travel to the wedding. You just can't make it the ideal situation for everyone.
  
  You are entitled to have your wedding wherever you like. The usual caveat is that some people may be unable or unwilling to travel there, and you have to be okay with them potentially not coming as a consequence of your decision to host it there.
  
  It sounds like your FI is okay with that. The decision whether to buy a plane ticket and come now belongs to your ILs. I wouldn't engage with her mom any more about it. "Mom/FMIL, we've made our decision. This subject is closed, but we hope that you are able to make it."
  
  I understand you worrying about it affecting your relationship with FMIL down the road, but that really is your FI's call to make. And I think she's probably setting the right boundaries here. If it seemed like a good faith conversation, "Dear daughter, I just want you to know that I don't have the finances to make it to NO, no matter how much I want to be there for you," then that would be one thing. This sounds more like she's trying to whine and bully you guys into shifting the whole thing for her convenience. Your FI has more experience with this dynamic, and it's her family - let her take the lead and support her choice.
  
  Pre-marital counseling is also a great thing no matter how strong your relationship is, just because it sets up the framework for you to have really important conversations and enter into marriage on the same page. I'd suggest talking over strategies and boundaries for dealing with your families of origin with her, either with the help of a counselor or not.

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  June 2021

  I'll offer a piece of marriage, rather than wedding advice. Blood talks to blood. When things come up with your FI's mother or family, all conversations should go through her, and your FI gets to make final decisions. That's not to say that you shouldn't have conversations and challenge each other within the privacy of your relationship, but when she decides that she doesn't care if her mother makes the trip or not, leave it alone. Also, you should avoid trying to get in the middle by explaining things to the FMIL. If she complains about NOLA, you show solidarity and shut the conversation down. 
  
  It's often hard for people who have healthy or at least functional relationships with their parents to understand how someone can literally not care if their mother is at their wedding, or think someone is being too rash. But trust your FI to manage her mother. 

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• from318to410 member

  

  June 2021 edited June 2021

  MyNameIsNot said:

  I'll offer a piece of marriage, rather than wedding advice. Blood talks to blood. When things come up with your FI's mother or family, all conversations should go through her, and your FI gets to make final decisions. That's not to say that you shouldn't have conversations and challenge each other within the privacy of your relationship, but when she decides that she doesn't care if her mother makes the trip or not, leave it alone. Also, you should avoid trying to get in the middle by explaining things to the FMIL. If she complains about NOLA, you show solidarity and shut the conversation down. 
  
  It's often hard for people who have healthy or at least functional relationships with their parents to understand how someone can literally not care if their mother is at their wedding, or think someone is being too rash. But trust your FI to manage her mother. 

  Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. I’m not trying to get in the middle. I have zero desire because I know the relationship and have seen the dynamic up close. It’s more so other people—in her family and family friends—interjecting and causing headaches because my FMIL has been complaining to anyone who will listen. She’s making it about herself and like we are doing this to hurt her. She’s the reason why we’re mailing out invitations to our handful of adult guests. We didn’t want her spreading the lie that we didn’t invite her. It’s that kind of situation.

  
  

  I had someone tell me yesterday that they would be hurt if their child picked a location knowing they couldn’t afford to fly there. We’re not talking about thousands of dollars, a passport, visa, Covid test expenses, etc. We’re talking about maybe $400-700 for a flight and hotel together. I’m not one to wallet or budget watch, but my fiancée did say her mother can afford the things she wants to afford.
  
  I’ve had several people coming at me like I was the sole decision maker, and my fiancée has had to come to my defense to quell that notion. Their whole stance is, “Why is it happening in her state and not here?” They are acting like it was done with some bias and favor towards my family. 

  
  

  Now, it has reached the point where my fiancée has picked up on her overall lack of enthusiasm and has decided she won’t be discussing any further details with her. I get it. She’s disappointed about not being there due to finances, but she’s now being excluded from any discussions and wedding talks. I’m sure she’ll make a big deal out of that and let everyone know we’re leaving her out. It’s crazy how she paints herself as a victim. Sadly, I’ve heard about this behavior and witnessed it as recently as Resurrection Sunday.
  

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• banana468 member

  

  June 2021

  For something like this, I think it really depends on the relationship you have with the parent. 
  
  Ex: My parents both have the $ but are not in the physical shape to get on a plane now.  So if my engaged brother picked a DW my parents would not be there.  However he and his FI are going to work with places that are local so it's a non issue.
  
  So this seems to boil down to finances and your FI's understanding of her mom.   There are other options in there such as looking for flights and offering to split costs, calling the flight/accommodation a gift in itself ("Mom this is two Christmases and two birthdays!") or calling her bluff.  Only your FI can decide if her mom is the spoon in the pot stirring up drama or if her mom has a point. 
  
  But the bottom line is that you're right: It was either a DW for her side or your side or a complete DW for everyone.  And if the FI's mom has been offering her thoughts but no financing then sadly those thoughts are worthless. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  June 2021

  You and your FI are not selfish to plan the wedding where you all want.  As long as you all are understanding about the fact that people...even VIPs (though doesn't quite sound like FMIL falls in that category!)...may choose not to come.  And it sounds like you all do understand that and aren't pushing anyone to make the trip.
  
  Like other PPs have mentioned, however you all slice it, one person's "side" would have to fly.  It's a bummer, but not unusual.  Though I realize, even for your Louisiana family, they would have to drive down to NOLA and rent hotels.  But, again, it's okay for you and your FI to choose where to get married and at least some of the guest list won't have to fly for it.
  
  As an aside, I live in NOLA and appreciate your all's love of the city!  Though I got married in my hometown in CA because my immediate family is there and the vast majority of our guest list either already lived there.  Or would have had to fly either way.  If you haven't already chosen a venue, I went to a wedding at the Columns Hotel on St. Charles.  It is a stunningly gorgeous venue.  As a bonus, my friend (the bride) said she was shocked it was one of the more reasonably priced places they'd visited (though that was many  years ago).  

  

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