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Maybe he's shy? Maybe you intimidate him? Maybe he feels your judgment over his 'manners'?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My adult daughter, grandson, and I live together. Her boyfriend of six months is very quiet around the family. I know little about him. When he comes to our house, he never greets me or uses my name. It’s as if he pretends I don’t exist. This is my idea of bad manners. I’m educated and friendly. My other kids’ friends don’t behave like this ever. Help.

— Invisible Grandma


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Re: Maybe he's shy? Maybe you intimidate him? Maybe he feels your judgment over his 'manners'?

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Exactly @VarunaTT

    Also, this is something that LW should address with their daughter.  Furthermore, the tone of the letter makes me wonder if LW is resentful of their living situation.  
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I’m thinking shy too?  Or maybe he doesn’t know if he should make convo.  I’m the type of person that will talk to people but only if spoken to. If i feel like the other party wants conversation, then goahead. otherwise I feel like I’m “intruding”.

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My H HATES small talk, especially in our house. If we were in that situation he’d hate having to “chat” every time he came to see me. LW needs to back off. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Huh I find it wildly rude and unacceptable to not say “good morning Susan” or something. But I think the solution is talking to adult daughter about expectations for guest behavior in your home. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Tenth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    If he's coming over for something that involves you (everyone having dinner together, for example), I agree that it is strange of him not to acknowledge you. But if he's shy, you may need to be the one who engages him. Not everyone is great at initiating conversation. If your attempts to engage him are met with silence, then perhaps you should talk to your daughter about your concerns.

    But if he's specifically coming over to spend time with your daughter, and their time together doesn't involve you - sure, it would be nice if he at least said hello, but he isn't obligated to engage in small talk with you. I'd say in that case, it isn't worth taking any sort of action and you need to let it go.
    image
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    STARMOON44 said:
    Huh I find it wildly rude and unacceptable to not say “good morning Susan” or something. But I think the solution is talking to adult daughter about expectations for guest behavior in your home. 
    That’s true.  I missed her complaining about a greeting.  I was thinking she wanted small talk or something.  Yeah, you gotta say “hi” at least

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    CharmedPam said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Huh I find it wildly rude and unacceptable to not say “good morning Susan” or something. But I think the solution is talking to adult daughter about expectations for guest behavior in your home. 
    That’s true.  I missed her complaining about a greeting.  I was thinking she wanted small talk or something.  Yeah, you gotta say “hi” at least
    Agreed.  But, I also picture LW being like my FIL, whom you usually just can't say 'hi' to.  I am guilty of staying in the house when he comes over here and stays outside talking to DH.  If he comes in the house, I do say hi to him.  But I've also learned how to deal with his ass after almost 20 years, ha.

    If BF is entering the home and LW is there, he should say, "Hi Jane" at the very least.  But there also seems to be very little self-awareness on LW's part regarding why he may not be comfortable. 

    I still stand by the fact that LW may be projecting feelings about her living situation on to this very small issue of not being greeted by daughter's BF.   I'm more interested in that situation, how it came to be, and why it may not be going well.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd want more details on this.  Is he just not using her name?  Is he saying, "Hi" and waving but not making small talk? 

    Are the daughter and her child living with the LW in the LW's home?   Is it the opposite?  Is this some mutually beneficial living situation?    When I was in HS and beholden to my parents' rules as a minor any dates I had needed to come into the home.  But if things were different and I'm 41 and on my own?  No - mom's not owed anything especially if we're running out the door. 

    Also, "I'm educated," reeks of some aspect of resentment and being snide in comments.  Mom and adult daughter are both adults here.   

    The only thing I'd say is, "Hey I'd like to get to know your dude.  How about bringing him over and we can chat?"  

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    CharmedPam said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Huh I find it wildly rude and unacceptable to not say “good morning Susan” or something. But I think the solution is talking to adult daughter about expectations for guest behavior in your home. 
    That’s true.  I missed her complaining about a greeting.  I was thinking she wanted small talk or something.  Yeah, you gotta say “hi” at least
    Agreed.  But, I also picture LW being like my FIL, whom you usually just can't say 'hi' to.  I am guilty of staying in the house when he comes over here and stays outside talking to DH.  If he comes in the house, I do say hi to him.  But I've also learned how to deal with his ass after almost 20 years, ha.

    If BF is entering the home and LW is there, he should say, "Hi Jane" at the very least.  But there also seems to be very little self-awareness on LW's part regarding why he may not be comfortable. 

    I still stand by the fact that LW may be projecting feelings about her living situation on to this very small issue of not being greeted by daughter's BF.   I'm more interested in that situation, how it came to be, and why it may not be going well.  
    I agree! H does this with the grandmas sometimes when they come to watch the baby. He’ll say hi if he’s down with they come in, but he’s not one for small talk and add in a night of little sleep and super busy work day? Yah he sneaks up stairs before the come sometimes. My mom cannot just say hi. It’s 5 minutes at least. Usually 10. 

    If he’s never acknowledging LW that’s wrong- if he’s not stopping to have a long conversation each time he comes to see the daughter I think LW needs to let it go. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My weird thought is, is LW addressing this person or just assuming they should open up to her?
    Because if LW isn't saying "Good morning" then why should the boyfriend say it? Especially because he's new.
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