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My bridesmaid / sister is changing her appearance right before my wedding.

Knottie079972bede2b7bfdKnottie079972bede2b7bfd newb
in Wedding Party
My sisters are my bridesmaids because we have a small family and it just made sense. One of them I'm close with and the other one I'm not super close with but we still talk regularly. With that said I love them both and would never want to hurt anyones feelings so I need some advice. We are 4 months away from my wedding and my sister, who im not close with, has decided to pierce her septum, wants to dye her hair red before the wedding, and wants to start a sleeve tattoo now too. It's all catching me a bit off guard as she knows I'm pretty conservative when it comes to appearance and she has not made any significant changes to her appearance in many years. I would understand if this was something she always did but its not, and it's a lot all at once and I dont know how to feel. I would really appreciate it if she held off on any major physical changes until after my wedding but is that even something I can even ask her? I dont know if I should feel like a jerk for thinking this or feel like a pushover for not asking her to please hold off just a little longer (since she has gone over 35 years without any big physical changes). This wedding stuff is stressful enough as it is, but I dont want to be a bridezilla and maybe I'm just being over emotional? *quick note - she likes to push my moms buttons and this would upset her too this close to the wedding but I'm trying to be optimistic that this isnt why she is making these changes*
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Re: My bridesmaid / sister is changing her appearance right before my wedding.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie079972bede2b7bfd said:
    My sisters are my bridesmaids because we have a small family and it just made sense. One of them I'm close with and the other one I'm not super close with but we still talk regularly. With that said I love them both and would never want to hurt anyones feelings so I need some advice. We are 4 months away from my wedding and my sister, who im not close with, has decided to pierce her septum, wants to dye her hair red before the wedding, and wants to start a sleeve tattoo now too. It's all catching me a bit off guard as she knows I'm pretty conservative when it comes to appearance and she has not made any significant changes to her appearance in many years. I would understand if this was something she always did but its not, and it's a lot all at once and I dont know how to feel. I would really appreciate it if she held off on any major physical changes until after my wedding but is that even something I can even ask her? I dont know if I should feel like a jerk for thinking this or feel like a pushover for not asking her to please hold off just a little longer (since she has gone over 35 years without any big physical changes). This wedding stuff is stressful enough as it is, but I dont want to be a bridezilla and maybe I'm just being over emotional? *quick note - she likes to push my moms buttons and this would upset her too this close to the wedding but I'm trying to be optimistic that this isnt why she is making these changes*
    This is definitely not something you can ask her. It’s her body to do what she wants with when she wants to. You can’t ask her not to do it or to delay it. 

    Take a step back and ask yourself why this bothers you. If this makes her happy why is it a problem for you? You love your sister, it shouldn’t matter how she looks. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie079972bede2b7bfd said:
    My sisters are my bridesmaids because we have a small family and it just made sense. One of them I'm close with and the other one I'm not super close with but we still talk regularly. With that said I love them both and would never want to hurt anyones feelings so I need some advice. We are 4 months away from my wedding and my sister, who im not close with, has decided to pierce her septum, wants to dye her hair red before the wedding, and wants to start a sleeve tattoo now too. It's all catching me a bit off guard as she knows I'm pretty conservative when it comes to appearance and she has not made any significant changes to her appearance in many years. I would understand if this was something she always did but its not, and it's a lot all at once and I dont know how to feel. I would really appreciate it if she held off on any major physical changes until after my wedding but is that even something I can even ask her? I dont know if I should feel like a jerk for thinking this or feel like a pushover for not asking her to please hold off just a little longer (since she has gone over 35 years without any big physical changes). This wedding stuff is stressful enough as it is, but I dont want to be a bridezilla and maybe I'm just being over emotional? *quick note - she likes to push my moms buttons and this would upset her too this close to the wedding but I'm trying to be optimistic that this isnt why she is making these changes*
    How should you feel? You should feel happy for your sister that she is empowered to finally make the changes to her physical appearance that she's probably been too afraid to make for years. Society can be pretty cruel to people who don't conform to certain physical appearances, but we're finally progressing forward to shake off some of that old crap. 

    You should probably also do some soul searching about why you think her appearance has anything to do with you or your wedding. Do you just want to control her, or is it bringing up some other feelings that maybe you too wish you had the courage to change your appearance?
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You don't get to control your sister's appearance and especially not just because she's in your wedding. In the grand scheme of things, this won't matter. Why does her appearance have any effect on your wedding? 
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    To ditto PPs, it isn’t up to you to decide what anyone does with their body.  
    Plus, if this is some attempt your sister is making to piss you off (though I doubt it) wouldn’t the best response be to not utter a word about? So she wouldn’t get the reaction she wanted?
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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    If this were, say, 1982, and she had decided to do this, yeah, I'd ask her about it. I'd wonder what was going on that made her want to do something so out of character.

    But today, it is perfectly normal to be tattooed and to dye one's hair a color not found in nature. So if you're worried about her standing out, you can stop now. Literally no one will care or think that she looks odd. Let your sister be herself and get on with your planning. It'll be just fine.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The piercing and the red hair - meh - the only request you maybe could get away with would be that if it's possible for her to swing it for her to have both professionally done so she looks great instead of the risks of a DIY box kit if coloring her hair is not something she normally does.  Starting a sleeve tattoo can get a little tricky because of healing time and progression steps (each requiring healing time), so the type of personality if you were to bring that part of things up and suggest "it's not your call to make as the bride/sister, but just a thought" she plan things such that she's comfortable and not peeling from healing, you never know when that'd get her to hold off until the week after the wedding to start her sleeve because sometimes the process can take a while and nsjs, obviously it's her call but half-done work vs. finished can take quite a while for a number of reasons.  The big reveal for having the sleeve would be tapered by not having it completely done/healed in time for the wedding and something like that should get it's "reveal"...  Or - hey - how about getting some kicker "Before" pictures at the wedding!  (and your BM gift to her could be a gift certificate towards her artist!)..  

    As for how you should feel, there's nothing for you to feel, this is a change she's vocalizing making, not you.  Maybe suggest a shade for the red hair that coordinates with the BM gowns?!?!  The "Meh" response or a "push the image in her mind farther than she thought you were going to!" will likely throw her off right now more than an "OMG NOOOOOOOOO!"..  The important aspect is that she's there, whether she's wearing a dinosaur costume or her hair falls out from a DIY kit, having her there with you is the most important part!
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP I really really don't want to be insensitive to how you feel - weddings make people overthink EVERYTHING.  But literally, this is the dumbest thing ever to be worried about.  As long as she's there in the dress on your wedding day, great!  
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She will be the person of your sister on your wedding day. That person, whom you presumably love, and who presumably loves you, will be looking however she feels best, and will be present and happy for you as you get to marry someone else. Focus on that.

    Because nope, this is not an ask you get to make. Nor is it something you should spend more energy worrying about.
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