Wedding Woes
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Classic Prudie: You don't. Your husband should.

I have a 5-month-old baby. My mother came to help out when he was born, and my husband and I are grateful to her for that. But we both began to notice while she was here that she would disparage my ability to breast-feed. I didn’t think that much of it, even though my husband felt she wanted to be holding our son more than I did. Now when she visits she routinely says that my son is “making do” with the mother he has, that it’s unfortunate for him that she isn’t around us most of the time. On her last visit she pointed out that she was a stay-at-home mother and I am not, so I need to have more of a routine in order to be a good mother. When she comes, I feel constantly judged, which is making me feel more distant from her. I think that she is jealous that I have a baby because her days of being a young mother are long past. I don’t know if I should bring any of this up to her. She is a very touchy person and I’m not sure it would do any good.
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Re: Classic Prudie: You don't. Your husband should.

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    Next time LW's mother brings up about being a SAHM, LW could say "lucky. Things have changed so much and it's not an option. Plus I enjoy my job"

    My mum comments about how I work when she either was SAHM or worked nights, but in the sense of she didn't want me to quit. My mum didn't like her job so she left when she found an opportunity.
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    It’s not so much the SAHM comments - because yeah a simple “times have changed stfu” should do… but the “he’s making do with the mother that he has”.  Ewww.  I’d just have her visits less and less frequent.  Or my mom and I are pretty close that I can tell her what I’m thinking on that. 

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    I don't know why you can't say, "Mom, that's extremely rude and demeaning, I don't want to hear you make a comment about me being an inadequate or inferior mother ever again. If you cannot be here without trying to make me feel small, you will be invited here far less." Even if you think it won't change her attitude, I think it's important to set that boundary.
    Agreed! Your mother is criticizing your parenting and life choices.  The time to speak up is now OR you can wait until your kid says, "Why do you tell my mom that she's doing it wrong so much Grandma?" 
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    It’s not so much the SAHM comments - because yeah a simple “times have changed stfu” should do… but the “he’s making do with the mother that he has”.  Ewww.  I’d just have her visits less and less frequent.  Or my mom and I are pretty close that I can tell her what I’m thinking on that. 
    Or reply with, "I'm not too worried.  Look how great your son turned out, with the mother he had."

    But really, the H needs to have a serious conversation with his mother that these are terrible, unfair, and hurtful comments that she is making to his wife.  That his wife is a wonderful partner and mother and the comments need to stop.  Or she'll be asked to go back to her hotel and visits will become fewer.
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    It’s not so much the SAHM comments - because yeah a simple “times have changed stfu” should do… but the “he’s making do with the mother that he has”.  Ewww.  I’d just have her visits less and less frequent.  Or my mom and I are pretty close that I can tell her what I’m thinking on that. 
    Or reply with, "I'm not too worried.  Look how great your son turned out, with the mother he had."

    But really, the H needs to have a serious conversation with his mother that these are terrible, unfair, and hurtful comments that she is making to his wife.  That his wife is a wonderful partner and mother and the comments need to stop.  Or she'll be asked to go back to her hotel and visits will become fewer.
    Wait is this LW’s mother or hubby’s?

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    It’s not so much the SAHM comments - because yeah a simple “times have changed stfu” should do… but the “he’s making do with the mother that he has”.  Ewww.  I’d just have her visits less and less frequent.  Or my mom and I are pretty close that I can tell her what I’m thinking on that. 
    Or reply with, "I'm not too worried.  Look how great your son turned out, with the mother he had."

    But really, the H needs to have a serious conversation with his mother that these are terrible, unfair, and hurtful comments that she is making to his wife.  That his wife is a wonderful partner and mother and the comments need to stop.  Or she'll be asked to go back to her hotel and visits will become fewer.
    Wait is this LW’s mother or hubby’s?
    it's LW's mother!
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    Casadena said:
    It’s not so much the SAHM comments - because yeah a simple “times have changed stfu” should do… but the “he’s making do with the mother that he has”.  Ewww.  I’d just have her visits less and less frequent.  Or my mom and I are pretty close that I can tell her what I’m thinking on that. 
    Or reply with, "I'm not too worried.  Look how great your son turned out, with the mother he had."

    But really, the H needs to have a serious conversation with his mother that these are terrible, unfair, and hurtful comments that she is making to his wife.  That his wife is a wonderful partner and mother and the comments need to stop.  Or she'll be asked to go back to her hotel and visits will become fewer.
    Wait is this LW’s mother or hubby’s?
    it's LW's mother!
    Oh s**t!  I didn't read that correctly.  I thought this was the LW's MIL.

    Huh.  That puts a slightly different slant for me.  I wonder if her mom was always this negative with her. 
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    Talk about the makings of PPA or PPD!  The child "making due" with the mother he has - I mean what's LW suppose to say "would you prefer your grandchild be put it up for adoption"?!?!  GM sounds like either early stage dementia (signs before the signs) or a wench, or both...  
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    MesmrEwe said:
    Talk about the makings of PPA or PPD!  The child "making due" with the mother he has - I mean what's LW suppose to say "would you prefer your grandchild be put it up for adoption"?!?!  GM sounds like either early stage dementia (signs before the signs) or a wench, or both...  
    Can you stop with the armchair diagnosing? Disparaging comments don’t “cause” PPA or PPD. And where is the dementia? MIL just sounds like a complete ass. You should hear the shit my mom’s MIL has said to her. 


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    levioosa said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    Talk about the makings of PPA or PPD!  The child "making due" with the mother he has - I mean what's LW suppose to say "would you prefer your grandchild be put it up for adoption"?!?!  GM sounds like either early stage dementia (signs before the signs) or a wench, or both...  
    Can you stop with the armchair diagnosing? Disparaging comments don’t “cause” PPA or PPD. And where is the dementia? MIL just sounds like a complete ass. You should hear the shit my mom’s MIL has said to her. 
    As someone who was actually diagnosed with anxiety after have a child I really appreciate you saying this. 
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    LW, stand up for yourself and your family now.  Your mother's comments will not change on their own.  You don't want to be 17+ years into parenting and have your kids exposed to your mom's bullshit for years before you step in and really address it.  Your mom is rude and out of line.  If she can't be a supportive mother or at least keep her thoughts in her head, then she doesn't deserve to spend time with you.  You and your H have this without this kind of 'help'.   
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