Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Pre-wedding Parties
Pre-wedding Parties
New Discussion

Shower guest list surprises

jentranxdjentranxd member
in Pre-wedding Parties
My FMIL and my FH's aunts are throwing me a bridal shower, that I didn't really want but am going along with. They are planning everything. However, my FMIL just gave me the guest list (after already sending out shower invites) and on the list are ~60 people we barely know and did not originally plan to invite to our wedding.

Our wedding limit is 75 people total (including us!), and we really can't accommodate more than family and very close friends. We planned our wedding guest list extensively to be within these limits. I was led to believe the shower would be very small and just family. 

Do I now have to send wedding invites to these 60 women and their families (some of which neither I nor my FH know) when we cannot accommodate any of them coming?

I know proper etiquette says yes, so I'm in a rough spot. Our wedding is in a different state, so it's possible none of these surprise shower guests could come. In that case, should I send them late invites and hope they can't make plans in time??

I'm a people-pleaser and hate being rude, so this is giving me a lot of stress. My FH got very angry with my FMIL but I'm staying out of that. It would be different if the shower invites hadn't already been mailed...
Report Reply to Post

Re: Shower guest list surprises

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2021
    I think you need to tell your FMIL ASAP that while you're grateful for the shower, she needs to uninvite the extra guests since you won't be able to accommodate them at the wedding. Hopefully she won't be defensive about this, but if she is, you'll have to be firm about it. I would allow your FH to stand with and support you when you discuss this with his mother.


    Report Reply
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with both PPs that you should 1) request that you FMIL un-invite the extra guests to the shower and if she doesn't 2) it is on her to explain to them why they aren't invited to the wedding. This mess is her fault not yours! Good for your FH to stand up to her on your behalf, as well he should.
    Report Reply
  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I don't think you should ask your MIL to uninvite people, but make it clear to her that they cannot be included at your wedding. If she's anything like my former MIL, she'll just hold a party for you a week or two after the wedding, and invite all of the people she wants. 
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    maine7mob said:
    I don't think you should ask your MIL to uninvite people, but make it clear to her that they cannot be included at your wedding. If she's anything like my former MIL, she'll just hold a party for you a week or two after the wedding, and invite all of the people she wants. 
    This is where I am.  Asking her to uninvite people is committing a faux pas as well.

    BUT, I think she can call those guests (and the FI in this case should tell his mom) "You need to tell them that you made a mistake and while you'd love to host them at the shower you knew that the wedding was going to be small and they wouldn't be invited." 

    It at least gives the guest the option to attend and makes the MIL issue the mea culpa now.


    Report Reply
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm also team "uninviting them is rude and you shouldn't feel pressured to invite them to the wedding"...  I would ask though that FMIL make it clear to these guests that they aren't invited to the actual wedding so there's no "surprises"..  

    IMO, if a friend of mine is inviting me to a shower for their kid, I'm likely going to understand that unless there's a really close relationship to the kid, or the wedding is more of a community social event, I'm probably not going to be invited to the wedding, but would accept the invitation to attend with full disclosure especially this year with all things covid and limits on event size in many locations still taking place.  
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MesmrEwe said:
    I'm also team "uninviting them is rude and you shouldn't feel pressured to invite them to the wedding"...  I would ask though that FMIL make it clear to these guests that they aren't invited to the actual wedding so there's no "surprises"..  

    IMO, if a friend of mine is inviting me to a shower for their kid, I'm likely going to understand that unless there's a really close relationship to the kid, or the wedding is more of a community social event, I'm probably not going to be invited to the wedding, but would accept the invitation to attend with full disclosure especially this year with all things covid and limits on event size in many locations still taking place.  
    I can see that but if this is an extended family situation OR these friends have been previously invited to the weddings of each other's children then this can get mixed.

    And if this is a somewhat intimate wedding of 75 (depending on the family it can be intimate!) then those guests may be truly surprised to find out that they were invited to the shower and not the wedding.  
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards