Stop going to your mother's and work out a schedule with your wife.

mrsconn23 · July 2021

Dear Prudence,

I have had to start working nights. Often 10-hour shifts. My wife and I have a six-year-old and a six-month- old. I need sleep. My wife instantly wants help as soon as I come home when my shift ends. I am bone-tired and bleary-eyed. She hates it when I fall asleep on the couch rather than doing chores or taking care of our son. I love my son but he wakes me all the time. We have argued about this for weeks. She thinks I am not pulling my weight as a father and am sleeping too long. Spending a few hours together in the evening isn’t enough since after dinner I have to get ready for work. After almost getting in an accident at work, I have started going to my mother’s to sleep instead. My wife sees this as a betrayal since she and my mother do not get along. I can’t see any other choice—I can’t sleep at home consistently, and I am the sole provider here. My wife had to quit her job when she had the baby.

How do I get my wife to understand?

— Sleepless

CharmedPam · July 2021

Yeah going to your mom’s wont help. Actually this is a case of marriage Counceling to me. Someone needs to be a third party and help her understand and get a schedule together

mrsconn23 · July 2021

Having a spouse on night shift with a family that is on 'day' shift is very difficult. It was one of the hardest/darkest times for DH and me when he was on nights for about a year. It literally feels like time we 'lost' sometimes. We have a friend on nights and it's definitely a struggle for him and his family.

But LW is being a giant baby about this. They actually sound super bitter about the nights AND their wife's SAHM status (along with the wife vs. mom relationship). I'm not saying their wife is being entirely reasonable, however LW is the one who wrote in. There are options for squelching noise and blocking out light so LW can get the sleep they need. But LW needs to set up a schedule, with their wife's input, that gives them both the opportunity to get their rest and be an active parent and partner. Also if being a one income household isn't working, then maybe that needs to be reevaluated as well. Running to mommy's house is not the way to resolve this.

They probably do need marital counseling, but baby steps. LOL

MyNameIsNot · July 2021

Quit going to your mother and talk to your wife.

I think the theme of today's Prudie letters is people who don't know how to use their words.

charlotte989875 · July 2021

How long are you sleeping during the day? Like all day or just a few hours? If you’re working 8-6 then coming home and sleeping until 6, eating dinner then leaving again? Yah that’s not okay. You’re not pulling your weight.

Maybe you come home and sleep from 7 to 3, take the kids until dinner so your wife gets a break. You’re exhausted but so is she and reminding her she in any financially earning money and bailing out to your Moms isn’t the answer.

short+sassy · July 2021

The LW and his wife need to put together a fair schedule. One that includes 8-hours of sleep for him. With the rule being he is not allowed to be awakened during that time and that includes his days off. In return, he needs to be a present father and husband during the rest of the time he is home. But the wife needs to be fully onboard with this and it doesn't sound like she is. But, totally agree with everyone else, hiding out at his mom's is not the answer at all and I'm sure has exasperated the situation.

It also sounds like the wife needs more support! They should have that discussion, as well. She's the 24/7 taking care of the kids and house. She probably NEVER gets a break, which is probably why she isn't more sympathetic to what he has been going through. What does she need and want to lighten her load and also get a break. My first thought is, on his days off except when he is sleeping, he takes charge of the household responsibilities. Childcare, cleaning, cooking, and all the misc. other stuff.

Stop going to your mother's and work out a schedule with your wife.

Re: Stop going to your mother's and work out a schedule with your wife.

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