Wedding Party

Disappointed I was asked to be a Personal Attendant for my brother's wedding

nadiarosexonadiarosexo member
First Comment
edited October 2021 in Wedding Party
Hey guys! I really wanted to make a post to see if I'm out of line in my thoughts and how I've been feeling concerning this situation. I've been second guessing myself and keeping everything in because I don't want to ruffle any feathers.

My brother and his fiancé got engaged at the beginning of this year and will be getting married in a few months, so they're quickly getting things in order, and I was so excited to find out their upcoming wedding date.

My brother and I are very close... I'm his only sibling and we used to talk about everything together, and we've always gotten along so well. My brother came over last month to let my family and I know he was he'd like my husband and I to be in the wedding party. I was completely honored already, and he told me my future SIL had to just figure out the color scheme and pick out dresses and then they'd like to formally ask us over dinner.

Fast forward, a couple of days ago my husband and I attend a dinner with them and I am excited for this time with them. I also couldn't wait to hear more of the details about their wedding. My brother starts and turns to my husband and asks him to be one of his groomsmen in such a sweet way and my husband happily accepts. Then there's a loooong pause lol. My Future SIL turns to me and says "I'd like you to be one of my personal attendants". I didn't know what that was. My heart sank. She then proceeded to say the color she'd like me in and I could pick "whatever", which ok that's cool. Unfortunately, I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid, and she proceeded to excitedly show me the bridesmaid dresses which were beautiful. I really just wanted to get out of there so I could google what a personal attendant was lol.

We end the dinner and thank them for their time and having included us. I get to the car and I'm pretty disappointed, and to add to that disappointment... I google "personal attendant at wedding". I was in tears. I felt like it was a consolation prize because I clearly was not in line to be a bridesmaid.

I do want to say, I in no way would ever want to tell people who they should have in a wedding party or what they should have their wedding be like. I've been distraught because I assumed I would have been a bridesmaid or groomsman. Now, I have been silent on this and keep feeling so awful thinking my husband, whom my brother hardly knows, and the bride's only brother will also be a groomsman. And I'll be a personal attendant?

Please let me know your thoughts, and if I'm overreacting. I feel a bit disappointed in my brother and I don't even know if I'm justified. I'm just feeling extremely hurt.

Thanks guys!

Re: Disappointed I was asked to be a Personal Attendant for my brother's wedding

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You're not over reacting and you aren't wrong to be hurt. It's pretty well known that personal attendant is a crap position for people you don't like but are being pressured to put in your WP. It's a garbage job and is humiliating. 

    You don't have to do it just because he is your brother. It's pretty unfortunate that he decided not to ask you to be a GW, but that's his decision. At this point, the most graceful thing you can do is tell the bride that you'd rather just attend as a guest and then let it go. 
    nadiarosexocharlotte989875Jen4948MesmrEwe
  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited July 2021
    Hey guys! I really wanted to make a post to see if I'm out of line in my thoughts and how I've been feeling concerning this situation. I've been second guessing myself and keeping everything in because I don't want to ruffle any feathers.

    My brother and his fiancé got engaged at the beginning of this year and will be getting married in a few months, so they're quickly getting things in order, and I was so excited to find out their upcoming wedding date.

    My brother and I are very close... I'm his only sibling and we used to talk about everything together, and we've always gotten along so well. My brother came over last month to let my family and I know he was having his best man be a friend that's a girl (a girl I used to be friends with). I was a bit shocked as they didn't know each other for very long, but I quickly overlooked it seeing as how it's his wedding! He also got me excited by saying he'd like my husband and I to be in the wedding party. I was completely honored already, and he told me my future SIL had to just figure out the color scheme and pick out dresses and then they'd like to formally ask us over dinner.

    Fast forward, a couple of days ago my husband and I attend a dinner with them and I am excited for this time with them. I also couldn't wait to hear more of the details about their wedding. My brother starts and turns to my husband and asks him to be one of his groomsmen in such a sweet way and my husband happily accepts. Then there's a loooong pause lol. My Future SIL turns to me and says "I'd like you to be one of my personal attendants". I didn't know what that was. My heart sank. She then proceeded to say the color she'd like me in and I could pick "whatever", which ok that's cool. Unfortunately, I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid, and she proceeded to excitedly show me the bridesmaid dresses which were beautiful. So I awkwardly went through the bridesmaid dresses with her on her phone. I really just wanted to get out of there so I could google what a personal attendant was lol.

    We end the dinner and thank them for their time and having included us. I get to the car and I'm pretty disappointed, and to add to that disappointment... I google "personal attendant at wedding". I was in tears. I felt like it was a consolation prize because I clearly was not in line to be a bridesmaid.

    I do want to say, I in no way would ever want to tell people who they should have in a wedding party or what they should have their wedding be like. I've been distraught because I assumed I would have been a bridesmaid or groomsmen. Now, I have been silent on this and keep feeling so awful thinking my husband, whom my brother hardly knows, and a girl I used to be friends with will be at his wedding as groomsmen and best man... kicker, the bride's only brother will also be a groomsmen. And I'll be a personal attendant?

    Please let me know your thoughts, and if I'm overreacting. I feel a bit disappointed in my brother and I don't even know if I'm justified. I'm just feeling extremely hurt.

    Thanks guys!
    You're definitely allowed to be disappointed by being asked to do that; it isn't considered an honor. It's a job that could be part of what a day-of-coordinator would be paid to do.

    I turned down a similar offer a number of years ago when a friend was getting married. I told her that I'd rather be there as a guest and would enjoy seeing her and her fiance get married on their wedding day. I was hurt not to be asked to be a bridesmaid as the rest of the friend group was, but I also preferred to sit out than accept the consolation prize. I'm sure I saved myself some stress. 

    nadiarosexocharlotte989875MesmrEweshort+sassy
  • Thanks doll! That's definitely the way I viewed it, and I will heed your advice.

    Thanks so much again :) 
  • maine7mobmaine7mob Maine, USA member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments First Answer
    I answered you in the other forum, but yeah, I would politely decline.
    nadiarosexo
  • Hi! I would be just as upset as you! You are the sister, and I feel like regardless of relationship status you deserve to be in the wedding. I am not close with my fiances sister, as well as one of my sisters, but i think you should be standing up there with your only brother. Hope you're feeling better about it!
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