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Groomsman Driving me crazy!

knottief947f9676ad7400dknottief947f9676ad7400d member
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in Wedding Party
Okay, I hope this doesn't sound bridezilla-ish as I have one month until the wedding, and dealing with everything COVID related.

Some back story so you know where I am coming from. My fiance has a groomsman that we have been really good friends with for a long time. He has been unemployed for two years, occasionally working a temporary job in the summers. And he has known about this wedding for the past year and a half, because that is how long we have been planning this wedding, and he was asked within the first month of us getting engaged. 

At our engagement party two months ago, he let us know that he is working his temporary job and has to ask for time off, and he will let us know. We said okay, it is very important for us to know because he is in the wedding party and the wedding is a couple months away. He has been working this job for over a month now, and has not let us know anything. My fiance has checked in with him many times, always starting a conversation first, then asking him the update. He always says he is renting the suit in a couple days and hes "pretty sure" he will get the time off. I must add he also ignored my fiance for a while saying he was busy working while we watched him and his girlfriend travel on social media.

Well my fiance is so tired of trying with him he let me handle it. I sent him a message a week and a half before all RSVPs for my wedding is due saying i saw he didn't rent his suit yet(we can see online), and if he knows about the time off so we can make proper accommodations since he is in the wedding party. I told him my fiance and I HAVE to know by the RSVP date or else we may just assume hes not coming in general. He of course, did not respond. 

I have a lot of emotions because he is a really great friend of ours, and i feel like my fiance and i are trying everything with him, even checking in on how he is doing with his job. 

Is it bad if I just cut him out of the wedding if i don't hear from him at a certain time? Our wedding is in a month at this point and I am a little at a lost of what to do while waiting around for him.  
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Re: Groomsman Driving me crazy!

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    banana468banana468 member
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    knottief947f9676ad7400d said:
    Okay, I hope this doesn't sound bridezilla-ish as I have one month until the wedding, and dealing with everything COVID related.

    Some back story so you know where I am coming from. My fiance has a groomsman that we have been really good friends with for a long time. He has been unemployed for two years, occasionally working a temporary job in the summers. And he has known about this wedding for the past year and a half, because that is how long we have been planning this wedding, and he was asked within the first month of us getting engaged. 

    At our engagement party two months ago, he let us know that he is working his temporary job and has to ask for time off, and he will let us know. We said okay, it is very important for us to know because he is in the wedding party and the wedding is a couple months away. He has been working this job for over a month now, and has not let us know anything. My fiance has checked in with him many times, always starting a conversation first, then asking him the update. He always says he is renting the suit in a couple days and hes "pretty sure" he will get the time off. I must add he also ignored my fiance for a while saying he was busy working while we watched him and his girlfriend travel on social media.

    Well my fiance is so tired of trying with him he let me handle it. I sent him a message a week and a half before all RSVPs for my wedding is due saying i saw he didn't rent his suit yet(we can see online), and if he knows about the time off so we can make proper accommodations since he is in the wedding party. I told him my fiance and I HAVE to know by the RSVP date or else we may just assume hes not coming in general. He of course, did not respond. 

    I have a lot of emotions because he is a really great friend of ours, and i feel like my fiance and i are trying everything with him, even checking in on how he is doing with his job. 

    Is it bad if I just cut him out of the wedding if i don't hear from him at a certain time? Our wedding is in a month at this point and I am a little at a lost of what to do while waiting around for him.  
    Don't cut him out of the wedding itself.  That's what he's doing.  

    What I'd say is the truth on the things that are costing you money.  Tell him that you understand if he's not able to attend but you absolutely need an answer by X date so you can advise all the vendors impacted by this (caterer, florist, etc.).  Let him know you'd love for him to attend and you need an answer so you can advise if you need that extra plate of food, boutonniere,  favor, etc.   Let him know that you'll miss him if he's not coming and you hope to see him after the event. 

    With Covid among other issues don't be mean about it.  Just be factual.  If he can't make it then he's a groomsman in absentia. 
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    knottief947f9676ad7400dknottief947f9676ad7400d member
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    banana468 said:

    Don't cut him out of the wedding itself.  That's what he's doing.  

    What I'd say is the truth on the things that are costing you money.  Tell him that you understand if he's not able to attend but you absolutely need an answer by X date so you can advise all the vendors impacted by this (caterer, florist, etc.).  Let him know you'd love for him to attend and you need an answer so you can advise if you need that extra plate of food, boutonniere,  favor, etc.   Let him know that you'll miss him if he's not coming and you hope to see him after the event. 

    With Covid among other issues don't be mean about it.  Just be factual.  If he can't make it then he's a groomsman in absentia. 
    Totally! Unfortunately we are out some money since we bought him his bowtie because he was low on money, and bought him a small groomsman gift, BUT you're right especially with the floral. I have a final appointment with my florist and may give him that date. Thank you for the advice!  
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    knottief947f9676ad7400d said:


    Well my fiance is so tired of trying with him he let me handle it. I sent him a message a week and a half before all RSVPs for my wedding is due saying i saw he didn't rent his suit yet(we can see online), and if he knows about the time off so we can make proper accommodations since he is in the wedding party. I told him my fiance and I HAVE to know by the RSVP date or else we may just assume hes not coming in general. He of course, did not respond. 


    WTF? Your FI is tired of dealing with his own friend so he got you to deal with it? He needs to act like a grown man and deal with his own friends. 

    Your FI, not you, needs to pick up the phone and get an answer. This is not your problem and it's not fair for him to just dump it in your lap. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Your FI should really be the one dealing with his friend, not you. 

    It sucks you're out money. I'd have your FI stress to him again that you at the minimum need to know if he's attending because you need a headcount. 

    Other than that, if he doesn't get his suit, he's not in the wedding. Not the end of the world. You'll still be able to get married. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    FWIW, the gift should be given anyway.  Hopefully you can get $ back if he doesn't attend for the tie. 

    I do agree that your FI should really be doing this but if you already started it you're in it.  
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    banana468 said:
    knottief947f9676ad7400d said:
    Okay, I hope this doesn't sound bridezilla-ish as I have one month until the wedding, and dealing with everything COVID related.

    Some back story so you know where I am coming from. My fiance has a groomsman that we have been really good friends with for a long time. He has been unemployed for two years, occasionally working a temporary job in the summers. And he has known about this wedding for the past year and a half, because that is how long we have been planning this wedding, and he was asked within the first month of us getting engaged. 

    At our engagement party two months ago, he let us know that he is working his temporary job and has to ask for time off, and he will let us know. We said okay, it is very important for us to know because he is in the wedding party and the wedding is a couple months away. He has been working this job for over a month now, and has not let us know anything. My fiance has checked in with him many times, always starting a conversation first, then asking him the update. He always says he is renting the suit in a couple days and hes "pretty sure" he will get the time off. I must add he also ignored my fiance for a while saying he was busy working while we watched him and his girlfriend travel on social media.

    Well my fiance is so tired of trying with him he let me handle it. I sent him a message a week and a half before all RSVPs for my wedding is due saying i saw he didn't rent his suit yet(we can see online), and if he knows about the time off so we can make proper accommodations since he is in the wedding party. I told him my fiance and I HAVE to know by the RSVP date or else we may just assume hes not coming in general. He of course, did not respond. 

    I have a lot of emotions because he is a really great friend of ours, and i feel like my fiance and i are trying everything with him, even checking in on how he is doing with his job. 

    Is it bad if I just cut him out of the wedding if i don't hear from him at a certain time? Our wedding is in a month at this point and I am a little at a lost of what to do while waiting around for him.  
    Don't cut him out of the wedding itself.  That's what he's doing.  

    What I'd say is the truth on the things that are costing you money.  Tell him that you understand if he's not able to attend but you absolutely need an answer by X date so you can advise all the vendors impacted by this (caterer, florist, etc.).  Let him know you'd love for him to attend and you need an answer so you can advise if you need that extra plate of food, boutonniere,  favor, etc.   Let him know that you'll miss him if he's not coming and you hope to see him after the event. 

    With Covid among other issues don't be mean about it.  Just be factual.  If he can't make it then he's a groomsman in absentia. 
    I think it's especially important to stress this, though coming from your FI.

    I suspect your all's friend either can't afford to rent the suit or can't get the time off work or both.  He knows he can't be a groomsman anymore and feels really bad about it, so he has avoided telling you all.

    Your FI should try to meet up with him or at least get him on the phone and have a conversation.  As long as your FI can have this conversation in a caring and not angry or judgmental way.  But he needs to give his friend that opening and the reassurance that, if he can no longer make it or can no longer be a groomsman, that it's okay!  He won't be mad.  He knows what a tough year it has been job and money-wise.  But that you all do need to know by X date, in order not to incur additional costs.
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