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You should prioritize your husband and his feelings.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My father is 83 and has advanced dementia and Alzheimer’s. Because of the pandemic, I didn’t want to worry about him in a home somewhere, so I brought him to my home a little over a year ago. He is very conservative, and we have had our political battles over the years, but I have resigned to let all of those go and try to enjoy the time we have left together. But I live at home with my husband (I am gay). My husband has really been very tolerant and understanding of the situation, bless him. Every day, though, it feels like I am coming out again to my father. It never goes well.

My husband has graciously stowed all the wedding pictures and tries not to show physical affection, but I feel it is so unfair to him to have to go to those lengths. And without fail when my father pieces together that we’re married, there is a long bitter tirade about homosexuality. I have tried support groups and his doctors, but they really don’t offer any solution other than to bear it for just a little longer. Am I making a mistake in letting my husband help out in the way that he has, or should I find a way, any way, to make it through the final time my father has left?

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Re: You should prioritize your husband and his feelings.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2021
    Dad definitely needs to go elsewhere.  Also, I think LW is worrying too much about dad 'figuring it out'. 

    But this is just not sustainable and LW should really be kissing their H's ass over how wonderful they've been about all this. You shoved him back in the closet and put an ailing and toxic person in your home.  That's...a lot.  There  are relationships that wouldn't be able to make it through a lesser situation. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If the reality right now is that Dad constantly forgets what is going on but is not forgetting that he's homophobic then this is going to be Groundhog Day for all of them.  

    The son should seek the care of his dad's physician and figure out what the long term plan of care can be.  Likely this will also involve an attorney so the proper documentation and financing can be arranged (because the cost is no joke!).  The husband has been more than understanding but it's time that dad goes to a place more suited to his care.

    Also, I understand the original mindset in early covid that the nursing homes and assisted living homes were breeding grounds for covid infection but with vaccines now this is likely mitigated.  Furthermore, there are likely more activities that will stimulate the LW's dad that he's probably not getting at home.  
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Get Him vaccinated and get him out
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